Being the best submissive bitch I can be

I'm not a fan of being vulnerable to people. In fact, I can count on one hand (ok maybe two) the times in my life that I really let myself be wide open to possible hurt. However on my quest to become the most submissive being possible for Sir and to experience the maximum amount of pleasure, I must be open 100% to the pain.

 

I went to see Sir last night and we had a particularly intense exchange complete with tears brought on by both by physical and psychological pain. Later that night when I got home, I started thinking about the different types of pain. I was curious to which kind of pain he prefers to give so I sent him a text to which he replied "Both".

 

I started to think about myself and what kind of pain I needed to reach that place in my head where I am completely possessed by him. Did I need both? As torturous as they both can be, the answer was unequivocally, yes.

I then began thinking about what it takes to truly submit to someone. Submission is something that cannot be done properly on a part time basis. At least that is the case for me. I knew pretty early on that I must live my submission in order for it to be successful. It needed to be right under the surface ready to serve at a moment’s notice and it does.

 

Recently, a woman reached out to me on one of the spinoff boards from Fetlife. She was fairly new to bdsm and was struggling. She was desperate to learn how to be a better submissive. I was flattered she asked my opinion and we chatted online quite a bit. Here are some of the attributes I shared with her. I believe they are vital for a successful submission. 

 

- Give 100%. This is something that many submissives fail to realize. Many believe it means giving only what you want to give or feel like giving. One thing it most definitely is NOT is manipulating the situation to get your way. True submission is acquiescing to his needs. It means going above and beyond...giving unselfishly until it hurts. Both physically and mentally.

 

- Check your jealousy at the door. When you decide to enter into a dominant/submissive relationship, you must learn to say goodbye to outward expressions of jealousy. Nothing can kill such a relationship faster. Your dominant may decide to have more than one submissive or even vanilla ladies he enjoys. If this is the case, you must learn to deal with it and realize that his relationship with another women does not take away from his relationship with you and may even enhance it. I know this is true for Sir and I. Knowledge of his pleasure from others has actually strengthened the our bond and deepened my submission. This frame of mind does doesn't come naturally. It takes a hell of a lot of work to achieve but I am proof that it is possible. I still struggle with it sometimes but I can usually figure out how to hold it together before too long. It's still a work in progress but I have no doubt I will triumph here.

 

- Obey your dominant. Nothing tells a dominant you care more than this. Obeying him tells him that you are willing to do anything for him. I have never refused Sir anything. I have hesitated and faltered but eventually I conquered or at least learned to manage my fear so I was able to go forth to please him. 

 

- Respect your dominant. One thing that most dominants will not tolerate is disrespect. No matter what the issue, you must always approach your dominant in a submissive manner and tone. It is fine to disagree or question something, but do it with respect. I am fairly good at this but it definitely took some getting used to. 

 

- Know your self worth. It you think poorly of yourself why should he think any different? You need a fairly high self esteem to be a submissive or else you are probably going to be miserable. I know what I am worth. I know I am a smart, caring, attractive, resourceful person with a lot to offer. I understand quite well that I have a thousand other options but this is what I have chosen for myself. My burning desire is to be dominated and used for his pleasure and I throw everything I am into serving him. 

Submission will test your self esteem and you need to be strong to endure it at times. Of course, make sure your Dominant respects you as a fellow human being before you put yourself in such a vulnerable position. I am fortunate in that Sir often reminds me that I am beautiful, smart and amazingly strong. I know he genuinely likes and respects me as a person. I trust him with my life and know he would never be careless with my submission. 

I am honored to serve him and all this makes me one lucky bitch :)

Why is it so hard to keep my legs uncrossed?

Last evening, Sir and I met at a lovely restaurant overlooking Eastlake Union. I know from being at nearby restaurants that the view is fantastic although in the darkness I could only see a few scattered lights. I arrived early as I always do for Sir. This is just  one of the many bad habits he has broke me of.

Just the anticipation of seeing him made me wet with desire. When he walked in, his commanding presence took my breath away as it always does. I was now in full submission mode or so I thought.

A few weeks ago, he informed me that there were going to be some new rules. One of these was that I am not to cross my legs or arms and must always keep my mouth open on his presence. He didn't specify why and while it is not ever my place to question him I suspect the thought behind this rule is to symbolize how I am to always be open and available for his use and to show submission.

I am having a horrible time following this rule and to be honest, until now, I haven't put much effort into it and it shows. At dinner, I crossed my legs 3 times! Needless to say, Sir was not pleased and informed me that there would be absolutely no orgasms until he decided I was punished enough for my discretion. I started to disagree with him and justify my actions but just one look from him was enough to stop me in my tracks.

I can't tell you how horrible I felt for disappointing him! I hate it! He is always fair and gives very clear cut instructions. Why couldn't I follow this rule? Why couldn't I stop crossing my god damn legs?

I know better than to give an excuse. There is none. I fucked up. He gave me simple instructions and I didn't follow them but the social scientist in me wanted to know the reason why. I knew it couldn't be that  unconsciously I wanted to disobey him because it brings me nothing but misery, both physical and mental and it my always goal to avoid that kind of pain, especially the mental anguish. I know some subs who like to act bratty and get off on the negative attention that follows but that is just not me. I take my commitment so seriously that I would never deliberately disobey just to get attention.

So what was it? I thought and thought about it and this is the conclusion I came to. Aside from Sir's natural dominant abilities which are far superior to any I have ever seen or or heard about, my ability to submit is largely successful because of my normally stubborn nature. I have set my mind to submit and therefore my will naturally follow suit. This along with his programing almost guarantees success, at least eventually. 

As we said goodbye in the parking garage I was one big horny, chemical mess! I always am it when I am near him. As soon as he touched me and I smelled his intoxicating scent, I was a goner. My pussy was throbbing and I lost all train of thought. I wanted to ravage him, drink in all his dominant energy, be consumed. Unfortunately, my body must have not gotten the memo about how much trouble I was in. He had to be quite firm with me, making me keep my hands to my side. I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust and with that he was gone.

I really didn't want to sit home and try to squelch my raging desire but I really didn't want to go anywhere else either. So, I paced the floors and tried all the tricks in my well stocked arsenal to try to calm myself. I managed to distract myself briefly but the urges always returned quickly. My cravings were both physical and mental. The most dangerous kind, I was frustrated but I also knew I couldn't blame Sir or anyone else for my predicament. It was my fault and my fault alone. Eventually I fell asleep exhausted but firm in my resolve to become a better submissive..

When my alarm went off this morning, I was horny immediately but then the reasons why came to me so I got up resigned to my fate and even a little proud to be suffering for Sir. Work was crazy from the start and if wasn't long before I noticed my legs were crossed. God dammit! What was my problem?  I grabbed two small pieces of tape rolled them up so the sticky part was on both sides and placed a piece on the outside of each thigh.

These pieces of tape did their job of reminding me to stop crossing my legs 4 times in the morning alone but by the afternoon it only happened twice and tonight while I was out with a kinky friend it didn't happen at all! I know I am not out of the woods yet though. I plan on using this tape until I go at least 24 hours without breaking the rule.

I am determined to get this!

 

A gathering of submissive women

Recently, I have been expanding my horizons in the bdsm world. I originally started becoming more involved in order to meet women that Sir and I could enjoy but I soon found it had the added benefit of strengthening my submission to Sir. 

I have become more active on Fetlife including attending some of the many events going on in the Seattle area. A few months back I met a very nice submissive woman who invited me to join her and other submissive ladies who occasionally get together and talk about both the ecstasy and the challenges of submission.

 

I have one particular roadblock that has been weighing on my mind lately and was hoping to get some advice from women that have the same burning desires as I do. Despite being very obedient to Sir  there has been one specific thing that when he asks me about it, I can't seem to acquiesce to immediately. He asks me if I would pleasure another man if he told me to and as recently as this past Saturday, I still stammered and showed contempt at the very mention of it. I never outright say no and eventually agree but we both know my submission is seriously lacking here. In most other realms, it has become instant, I don't think about what he desires, I simply comply. It may sound crazy and if I didn't trust him 100%, I might think it was pretty fucked up myself. But this has become part of my nature, especially recently. It is who I am and who I always wanted to be even though it took a long time for me to realize it.

 

Someone asked what has worked to strengthen my submission 

up to this point. I thought about it and this is what I came up with. 

 - Daily rituals. Well actually that would be ritual as I only have one that I do every single day and that is text when I go to bed. This ensures that it is last thing I think about on any given day. 

- Overwhelming horniness. My baseline is always horny anyway but I'm referring to that frenzied sexual energy that possesses me and I can think of nothing but all the amazing things he does to me. My symptoms become physical at this point as well. My pussy throbs and clenches uncontrollably and I get wet. At this stage I am usually waiting for him to grant permission for an orgasm or trying to delay asking him because I think it may be a bad time to bother him.

- My weekly report due every Sunday on the progress of my search for for another woman to play with.

- Hearing unexpectantly from him. Sometimes I hear from him out of the blue and he will text something he wants me to do or even better, something he has been thinking about that he would like to see happen for example, wear a sheer blouse or branding. He doesn't do this very often but when he does, my mind becomes fixated on whatever idea he has dreamed up and what I can do to ensure that this particular desire comes to fruition. Other times he surprised me by texting photos of himself, both sexual and non-sexual. This nearly puts me over the edge! My craving to submit and serve surges at these times.

- Having him choose my outfit. He asks me to take photos of myself in two different outfits and he then decides which I will wear that day. This also includes undergarments or even better, lack of undergarments. If he does decide I am not to wear panties, I am even more aroused all day which in turn reminds me of my dedication to serving him. 

- Serving him. I don't get the opportunity to this as much as I would like but a good example would be making and serving him dinner.

 

- Writing on my blog or Twitter. Also, reading about others kinky experiences. This fills my head lots of new and exciting ideas that I would love to try.

- Conquering a challenge he has given me. This is probably the number one thing that strengthens my submission. The pride I feel when I please him is overwhelming and to accomplish a difficult task just makes me want to do more to please. The ones that stick out in my mind are finding another woman and being alone with a woman. When I finally succeeded in my mission, the pride and satisfaction I felt was greater than words can describe.

So, needless to say, the girls were impressed with my journey especially because it was the first time in my life that I have done it. They could tell I take my submission very seriously but did have a few suggestions I hadn't thought of. Here are a few if them:

- Do more. More rituals. More serving. Basically more of everything I listed above. I love this idea and would gladly do anything he asked but ultimately it is up to Sir the frequency of any and all and activities. They suggested I tell him I can take as much as he can give. I am fairly certain he knows I would do just about anything to give him pleasure. I would hope he would never hold back in pushing me. I embrace and savor every single act of submission I have experienced for him and can't even imagine anything he asks being too much.

- On the flip side of serving, is learning to wait patiently for him to lead. Dominants don't want to feel like they HAVE to communicate when they really don't want to. If a submissive tries using guilt or manipulation to serve herself by getting him to serve her, this is a turnoff which will in turn strain your connection and possibly even  sabotage submission. I was told several times that one of the most difficult but also most important skills a submissive can possess is to know when the dominant wants silence or solitude. Learn to respect this and more importantly learn to know without being told to simply lay low and be quiet for awhile.

- The last piece of useful advice I learned was to practice particularly difficult scenario's in your head until it becomes second nature. Several times a day, I am to imagine him asking me to suck another man's cock and picture myself agreeing immediately in a calm, peaceful manner, finding contentment in his pleasure of how I submit so completely to him.

It was a wonderful night and I really enjoyed myself. It is so nice to talk to people who understand my nonconventional desires. I look forward to incorporating these gems of wisdom into my never ending quest to strengthen my submission so I can give Sir exactly what he deserves.

 

 

Constant Cravings

I am constantly craving the opportunity to  serve Him. I can never get enough. The problem is that life is busy and serving him can’t always happen as often as I would like. This gets me so frustrated and distracted. I try not to complain or make demands on him but sometimes I just have no idea how to deal with it. A few times it has gotten so bad that I thought I might be crazy!

 

This feeling also creates this discordant state in my head. I mean doesn’t being submissive consist of me serving his needs, not the other way around? Does having my own agenda making me a lesser submissive? I have a hard time knowing where the line is. I know he cares that I am getting what I need and he an innate abililty to know just how far to push me. I guess I just get scared I will push and cross the line and we all know what happens at that point!

 

It is hard to believe that there was ever a time in my life that I had no interest in sex. Now I can’t get enough! I actually crave it like a drug and when I can’t get it, the withdrawals get increasingly worse until he takes me again. It is during these withdrawals that I usually get myself into trouble. I get irritable and have to fight the urge to demand it from him. It was almost easier when I thought that if I never had sex again, that would be just fine. Despite the fact that it was easier that way, I know I could never go back to that after knowing a passion such as the one Sir inspires.

 

Even though my struggle is as difficult as ever, I have recently learned to reign in my emotions. Well, at least of the manifestations that my emotions give birth to. I don't ignore them, I just don't let them make me irrational. I don’t whine or complain and I definitely don’t demand things from him. I do let him know in the most respectable manner I can that my need to serve is starting to become overwhelming. He already knows all too well that I always want to serve him and am constantly horny but he is good at sensing that it is worse than usual.

 

He has been slowly teaching me that I can take more than I think I can and that it is even possible to find pleasure in the waiting. We will see if I can truly master that skill. I have my doubts but then again, there is nothing he has wanted me to learn that I haven't.

My first girl on girl experience

Sir wanted me to find a girl to have a sexual experience. Alone.

 

I take his requests very seriously. In fact, there has never been one I have denied. I have always obeyed him 100%. But this one really made me freak out. I’m not exactly sure why. I mean I have been with women before and while it isn’t my preference, I have grown to appreciate the feminine form.  The difference is that it was always with Sir involved. When I am around him, my sex drive is always at 100 percent. It doesn’t matter where we are or who is around, if he is my proximity, I am desperate to fuck him. This doesn’t change when another woman is with us. His presence makes me insanely horny which in turn makes sexual acts with her better. But how would I feel without him there? I honestly had no desire at all to play with a woman by myself. I have never been able to get over the fact that in the end, I won’t get fucked and isn’t that the ultimate prize?

 

First thing was to find her woman. For some reason this wasn’t a huge concern. I figured there had to be a pretty large pool of lesbians and bisexual women to choose from. I won’t go into too much detail about my search but I did end up ruling out pure lesbians as I felt that they would not fully understand my plight.

 

Since I only had one week to do this, I thought someone I already knew would be my best bet. Last summer, I had met a woman named Jwho contacted me on OKCupid. In my profile, I identify myself as bisexual and seeking women only to basically have a threesome. We emailed and texted for a while and eventually met last summer at a Starbucks. I immediately found her very easy to talk to. She also was bubbly, attractive and as a Pilates instructor, she had a beautiful body. During our meeting she told me she was married but that her husband encouraged her to explore desire for women. Unfortunately, made it quite clear she did not want to me with other men or in a threesome. While I did like her, I was not interested in this at all so I pretty much blew her off. She tried several times to get together but if there was no chance I could bring her to Sir, I had no interest.

 

I got to her house about 10 minutes early so I sat in my car basically freaking out. After about 5 minutes, when I couldn't sit there for one more second, I went up and knocked on the door. 

She has a beautiful house out in a remote suburb of Seattle. It was neat and very nicely decorated and smelled delicious from the lasagna she was making. She offered me a glass of the merlot wine which I had brought which I took eagerly. I drank a little too fast because I was so nervous and I ended up having 3 glasses before the night was over.

 

To say the least, I was quite buzzed, which in this situation did not seem like a bad thing! I was eventually able to relax and enjoy our conversation. I again felt a slight shot of anxiety when I saw the romantic dinner setting. She had set up the formal dining room and used  the "good china". The lights were dim and she had candles on the table which she lit when we started dinner. Yes It was quite the romantic setting and I had to get my head around that the fact that this was not simply dinner with a friend. For all intents and purposes, it was a real live date. The only thing out of place was it was with a girl!

 

After about a half an hour of chatting, we had dinner, which was delicious. I was so nervous all day that I hadn’t eaten much so that I was hungry! I helped her clean up and while standing in the kitchen she leaned over and kissed me. It was really weird and I felt awkward to say the least but I kissed her back. Women are so much softer and more delicate. I can appreciate that but there is no doubt about it. I prefer it rough! After a few minutes we stopped kissing and she asked if I wanted to see her toy collection. I said yes.

 

We went upstairs into a spare bedroom as opposed to the bedroom that she shared with her husband, which I found interesting. She had all these sex toys  lined up on display on the dresser!!! Very strange but Ok. We talked and looked at them for about 15 minutes. She had texted me earlier asking me to bring my favorites so I showed her the jackrabbit vibrator that I had brought. She asked if she could try it on me. I couldn’t think of a reason to say no so which I laid down on the bed. I was wearing the beautiful skirt and top that Sir had given me for my birthday with a  matching black and red bra and panties which she absolutely loved. We both took off my panties together and I felt my anxiety begin to escalate.

 

I will admit the jackrabbit felt so good!!! I closed my eyes and tried to pretend it was Sir fucking me and how he sounded when telling me I must cum. Unfortunately, as soon as I started to get into it, she took it out so she could show me some power massager. The spell was broken and my anxiety returned.

 

Despite being somewhat intoxicated, I did have the where with all to know I should do something in return so I decided to take her shirt and jeans off. She had a really cute bra and panty set on too.  So we talked about the best place to shop. We also laughed about how strange it was to have the undoing of the bra issue just like teenaged boys. I sucked on her tits a bit which I actually kind of liked.  She had smallish breasts and her nipples were like half the size of mine but they were so soft and tender and I was fascinated. Interestingly, I briefly had the urge to bite one of them. I found that strange that I wanted to do that. Of course I didn't. I'm pretty sure that would have been the end of our rendezvous. She is not into pain, D/S ect at all!

 

She asked me to use this light blue motorized dildo on her to which I obliged. She moaned and writhed on the bed and I felt a bit awkward again. I really didn’t know what I was supposed to do. With Sir, I lose all control and am taken over by this animal like lust. There is never a moment where I feel awkward or am wondering what I should do. I don’t think, by body just reacts to him.  

 

I'm not sure how long she had been using the dildo but she pulled it out, looked me straight in the eye, kissed me and asked me if I would lick her pussy. 

Once again, it struck me how foreign this felt. I am used to eagerly complying to any request Sir has so it felt weird to be somewhere between nonchalant and ambivalent about licking her pussy. She has a slightly salty taste. Saltier than I remember from other women I have tasted. It was bad but it also didn’t inspire any real desire on my part.  After what seemed like forever, she finally tensed, stopped and rolled on her side. I’m not sure if she came or was just done but she seemed happy enough.

 

She began to talk a bit again about her toys. I panicked slightly when I thought we were done. I still hadn’t cum and I had to get that done for Sir. Otherwise, the night would have been in vain! I searched my mind for a way to get her to go back down on me. I brought up fantasies that have yet to be fulfilled. I told her that I was never able to cum by having a dildo and woman working on my pussy at the same time and that I was dying to do this. She just looked at me and smiled. She patted the pillow to tell me to lay back.

 

This was it. I had to cum. I knew this was my last chance. I thought about how Sir told me not to be a pussy and that I would do this because that is what he wanted. I pictured how happy he would be if I succeeded and how disappointed he would be if I failed. No, I couldn’t disappoint him. I hate that feeling more than anything. Failure was definitely not an option. Slowly, I felt that calmness that only he can inspire come over me. I closed my eyes as she put the jackrabbit in my pussy and turned it on. For a second, I thought she wasn’t going to go down on me which would have be a disaster but finally I felt her breath and lips on my pussy. I tried to define what I was feeling. I think she was pushing and pulling my pussy lips.

 

My mind wandered and I scolded myself in my head. I needed to concentrate. I needed to cum for Sir. There was no other option and I would be damned if I would leave her without accomplishing this! The sooner I came, the sooner I could end this girl on girl session. I closed my eyes. I tried to imagine the sensations I felt when Sir was fucking me, even though the dildo didn’t even come close to the size of him. I wanted it harder. None of this passive baby strokes like someone was petting a kitten. Ugh! I was going to need to use more imagination to compensate. I rocked my hips in short slow strokes trying to establish a rhythm. I pictured how his skin felt, how intoxicating his smell made me. The time he fucked me so roughly over the kitchen counter that I had bruises on my hip bones drifted in my head. I know it is crazy but I swear I could hear his voice in my head telling me to cum. It sounded just like he did during those times where he is losing patience and wanted immediate compliance. I briefly was interrupted by the sensation of her moving., probably to get comfortable because I was taking so long. I pushed that thought out of my head and focused on how good it felt to have that dildo in my pussy and how aroused I was because I was so close to accomplishing this task and how happy Sir would be. That’s when I felt it rising. I thought about the relief I felt when Sir finally allowed me to cum while fucking me and at that very point, that tingling sensation burst through and I soon felt a calmness fill me body.

 

I was drained. I wanted a minute to lay there and revel in the fact that I did it. I really did it! But J started rambling on about something and I kind of had to listen. To be honest, I just wanted to get out of there and I felt a little guilty about that. By this time, I had been at her house for nearly 3 plus hours! I wanted to go. I chatted for a few more minutes and just as things started to get awkward, I said that I had to work in the morning so I really should go. She walked me to the door and kissed me. She told me she would love to see me again and brought up going to the bisexual woman meetup she told me about earlier. I said sure and left.

Do I regret this? No. While I'm not that turned in by purely girl on girl action, I am incredibly turned on by submitting and serving Sir. 

 

 

Waiting in the Dark

To reward me for the Seahawks victory on Sunday, Sir promised to fuck me. As his submissive bitch, there is no greater gift I can receive from him. From the second I learned he would be using me in the very near future, my pussy had not stopped throbbing!

 

I was given explicit instructions to be waiting for beginning at 6pm sharp. Not just waiting but waiting naked in the dark with no distractions. No tv, no internet, no books, not even a light! I was to simply sit naked on my couch in the absolute darkness and wait for his arrival. He did not give me a time when he was to arrive. It would be when he was good and ready. His arrival time was irrelevant to my task anyway. I was to wait this way as long as it took.

My submission runs deep so of course, I did exactly as Sir said. I rushed home. At 6 pm, I stripped off my clothes, turned off the lights and sat on my couch waiting for him. 

I can't remember the last time I sat and did nothing. Seriously, I am always doing something. Access to endless information from my constant companion, the iphone, made time sitting alone with no distractions a thing of the past.

 
But this is what Sir wanted and what Sir wants, Sir gets.

So, I sat there for what seemed like an eternity! He later told me it was only about 1 hour and 15 minutes. I will admit it was just as hard as I thought it was going to be. My mind wandered from how horny I was for Sir to what he may do. I tried to focus on being able to take exactly what he wanted me to.

Finally, I heard the screen door open. This was it. I took a deep breath as the key turned in the lock. He said nothing. He poured a drink and turned in the kitchen light. 

I sat there motionless, not saying anything, just waiting for him to direct me.

He came over and took me by the hair and pulled me from the couch into the bedroom. He brought the whip he had previously instructed me to have available as well.

He commanded me to lie on my stomach to which I quickly complied he began to whip me on my ass, back of the thighs and back. I had prepared for this. I knew I deserved it for not disclosing vital information to him. I had pictured myself taking his lashes so despite the pain, I was able to take it for him.

I wonder now if he sensed that this might not be enough to break me because he then had me turn over on my back. He took out his beloved cock and I got even wetter just as the sight of it. I greedily search for it with my mouth as the whip game down on my tits and pussy. Hard! Soon, I began to feel severe pain especially in my pussy. This plus him shoving his huge 8 inch cock down my throat soon became downright difficult. All I wanted to do was please him. Give him all the pleasure he gave me but the whip just relentlessly biting into my pussy. I tried to cover my tits and twist to cover my pussy but he slapped my hands back down to my side. He did this several times and soon he was able to simply point as I moved my arms or legs and I immediately got back into his desired position.

He pulled my hair to position me to his preference and I fell to the floor. My head hit. It wasn't hard but it was enough to shake me up and start the tears. I didn't expect this. Once they started I couldn't stop. But unlike the last time, I didn't try to stop them. I just let myself cry. The pain and emotion I had been suppressing just came pouring out. Sir later told me that this was his plan. 

He asked if this was too much for me. I said no. He asked if I wanted him to leave said that we could be done if that is what I wanted. Panic rushed through my body. I shook my head and desperately said "No!". Please don't leave Sir! I'll do anything for you and take everything you want to do to me. I want that! I need that!” 

Sir went on to let me gave 7 orgasms that night! He really is so good to his horny bitch. I had no trouble cuming at his command not that I usually have much anyway. Tonight I felt like I reached a new level. My body wanted to please him as much as mind did so as soon as he said "cum" my body automatically started the process. No effort or concentration involved. It excites me so much that my brain is so deeply wired to his pleasure that when he tells me to cum, my body  simply obliges.

Sir also gave me some new rules
- I am to keep my lips open at all times.
- I m to keep legs and arms uncrossed at all times.

- I am to tell him where I am staying each evening.

- My tits are no longer mine, they are his. This means no touching or rubbing. I am a bit sad about this one since I love rubbing them to feel the soreness after he pinches or bites them. On the bright side, I may ask him for permission to play with them at any time.

Now for the big one.

He said I need to find a woman to lick my pussy AND that I needed to cum when she did this! 

I am terrified about this but I am determines to do this for Sir.

A man with his stature and abilities deserves to get whatever he wants, no matter the cost and this bitch will move mountains to make that happen.

Now, to find that woman...

Pain, pleasure and the Seattle Seahawks

Last Sunday, I had the most intense experience I have ever had watching a sports event and let me tell you it was thrilling! 

Sir is incredibly creative and I never know what kind of challenges he will come up with. He definitely knows how to keep me on my toes! I received the following text from him  that morning:

 

"Here are the rules. Every time the Seahawks score you must cum. Anytime the Bucks score you must weat the clips on your nipples or clit for 5 minutes. If Seattle wins then I will call on you to fuck me early this week. If the Bucks win, I will fuck someone else and deny you orgasms for two days."

 

My mind immediately started racing through the odds of the Seahawks winning. I had been craving to have Sir fuck me even more than usual and I really needed it! The Seahawks are a 7-1 team, playing at home in one of the loudest stadiums a visiting team could play in. The Buccaneers, on the other hand, are winless, playing in a different time zone and in general don't have much going for them. This might actually work out for me! I relaxed a bit and waited for the game to start.

 

My anxiety grew the closer to the starting time of 1PM it got. By the time the game actually started I was a nervous wreck. I was glued to the tv and every time I watched a play, my stomach did flip flops. The first quarter ended scoreless so I started to calm down a little bit.

 

That was to be a short lived calmness.

 

The first score of the game came at the beginning of  the second quarter and was a touchdown by the Buccaneers. On went the nipple clamps. I started the stopwatch on my phone so I was sure to wear them for the required 5 minutes. I was a tiny bit concerned but not overly so. It was only 7-0 and there was still a lot of time left.

 

My concern turned to mild panic as the Buccaneers scored again. I put the clamps back on. Now my nipples were on fire!

About 3 minutes into this session with the clamps, the Seahawks fumbled the ball and soon the Buccaneers scored yet another touchdown! I wasn't even going to get a chance to take the clips off. I added 5 more minutes to the stopwatch. During this time, I received a text from Sir telling me who it was that he would likely fuck. Now I was in pure agony not just physically but mentally. 

As much pain as I was in with the clips on, I was even more frightened about the intensity of the pain when I took them off!

 

Just when I thought I couldn't take it one more second, the alarm on my phone beeped. I removed the clamp on the right side first. Pain shot throughout my body and I gasped in pain. 

My hands were shaking as I gripped the remaining clamp trying to summon the courage to take it off. Finally, I took a deep breath and squeezed. I saw colors as once again the pain burst through every nerve in my body. It felt like I had 100 needles puncturing my nipples. I made a mental note to practice building up my tolerance to the cursed device of nipple torture.

 

At this point, I was quite distressed. The physical pain soon subsided but I couldn't stop thinking about how I may very well lose the desperately needed fuck from Sir and that was worse than any amount of pain that clamps or a whip could give ever me.

 

Sensing my despair, Sir told me not get too upset. He reminded me that there was still a lot of football left to play. I knew he has an amazing intuitive sense so this actually made me feel a little bit better.

 

Minutes later, Russell Wilson made a pass to Jermaine Kearse for a touchdown making the score 21-7. Maybe things weren’t going to be so bad after all. Finally, it was time for pain over pleasure! My first orgasm of the game and it I would soon find that it wouldn’t be the last.

 

Shortly after the second half of the game started, the Buccaneers got a field goal so back on went the torturer of nipples. They were so painful, I could barely see straight. I didn’t think I could take another session with them. Fortunately, I wasn’t going to have to.

 

The Seahawks proceeded to score a field goal and 3 more touchdowns to tie the score with the last one being with only 1:56 seconds left in the game.  The fourth quarter ended in a tie. Now, to add to the drama, the game went into overtime.

 

Overtime began and the Seahawks kicked a 27 yard field goal to win the game. Words can’t explain how elated I was! I won the golden prize and would soon be fucked by Sir. 

Life was all good for this happy, submissive 

bitch :)

 

My submission is truly ingrained in me

I've been thinking about how my submission seems to always be lingering right under the surface, just waiting to be triggered by his command. 

Last night I  texted him that I was going to bed which is one of the rituals of my submission. 

A few minutes later he texted back. "Good night...Why don't you sleep naked...You may cum twice when you awake."

 

Being the horny little bitch I am, I was estatic to hear of this bout of pleasure coming my way! It was also great motivation to get to sleep. In fact, I fell asleep faster than I have in a long time.

When my alarm went off early next morning, my body immediately knew what to do and I of course I did it :)

It just amazes me how before I was even fully awake, I was right on his given task. It kind of reminds me of one of Pavlov's dogs. I heard the alarm bell and immediately began to pleasure myself. No thinking, just instinct. He commands me to do something and my body goes on auto pilot. On an unyielding mission to do whatever it is I am told. 

As a girl who historically has always been in control of myself, it's a pretty cool phenomenon actually....

Lesson learned

Last week I was in an unusually aggressive and horny mood and was feeling quite rebellious. I am not sure if it was due to the full moon or some other unknown reason but I started demanding and expecting multiple orgasms. I even lashed out at Sir when he did not respond to me right away. I was not being the best submissive bitch I could be. Not even close.

 

I did not break the rules but I thought about it. I was really fucking horny! The irritable throbbing sensation in my pussy was relentless and I used it as an excuse to be demanding with Sir. That did not make me feel good at all. I was immediately remorseful and apologized but the damage had been done. I was so disappointed in myself and knew that I needed to be punished as well as reminded of my place.

 

Sir gave me the honor of serving him dinner on Sunday and trust me, I paid the price for my willful behavior! He reminded me that he is in control of me. I am not in control of him. At no time am I ever to demand things from him. I am also not in control of my orgasms nor am I entitled to them. Ever. I told him that I understood that this pussy is his, not mine. I may respectfully ask questions but must always wait patiently for his response then accept and obey all decisions. Sir used a kitchen implement that he had me choose as well as his paddle. I was one sore and sorry girl after he was done.

 

As usual, his punishment made me both sorry and horny and desperate to have him fuck me. It also made me wish to atone for my bad behavior. Despite my insubordination, Sir was quite generous with me, giving me so many orgasms that I lost count.

 

Even though I had thoroughly learned my lesson, I was still bothered by my actions. I wanted to do more to show him that I had learned my lesson. Sir had said I had too many orgasms last week, especially in light of my bad behavior and that I shouldn't expect that many this week. I agreed. To honor this, I refrained from asking him for permission to have an orgasm for 87 whole hours! I have never waited that long to ask before but I wanted to suffer for him and prove that I had learned my lesson. As the hours ticked by this week I became increasingly uncomfortable. I really wanted to cum but at the same time, felt oddly calm and at peace with my decision to deny myself.

 

To my surprise and delight, he texted me this morning telling me I was to cum at 10am. I was absolutely beside myself with excitement! I did my best to work on the many things I needed to do but could not stop watching the clock. Finally, at about 10 minutes to ten, I jumped in my car and rushed the 4 blocks home. I took off my panties and lifted my skirt as I lied on the bed. I didn't touch his pussy since it was not yet 10am but I lightly touched the area around it as well as my tits. I watched one of my favorite porn clips about a very dominant man roughly fucking a submissive woman. I was just about to lose it when my alarm beeped telling me that it was 10am.

 

Finally, the time had come! I let me fingers explore my very wet and throbbing pussy. Within seconds, I felt the urge to cum so I jumped out of bed and paced back and forth until I felt back under control.

 

I started watching the video again and playing with my pussy when I felt the orgasm rising once more. I dropped the phone and once again stood up and paced until I calmed down.

 

I did this one more time then I knew I was at the point that couldn't stand it even one more second. I needed to set my orgasm free.

 

I began playing with myself once again and this time as I felt the orgasm rising, I surrendered myself to it. It felt absolutely amazing and it lasted much longer than the orgasms I had alone. I knew this was because I waited and proved to Sir that I was still 100% committed to my submission.

 

I will not soon forget that my place is to serve his needs and that I am his possession to use when and how he chooses.

 

Lesson Learned.

 

 

Surviving Orgasm Control

I have been so curious lately to talk with other submissives whose orgasms are under the strict control. I am always looking for creative ways to distract myself when I am so freaking aroused that I can't see straight but Ido not have explicit  permission to have an orgasm?

I especially have a hard time with this once my body and mind have been worked up into a sexual frenzy.  For example, many times when I am lying in my bed naked, something I also need permission for, he will text me that I am to touch myself.  Now,I don't ever do that unless given permission and it damn it feels so good!!!!  So, of course, I soon needed to ask if I could cum and he said not until I wake up in the morning. Needless to say, I did not fall asleep for awhile.  I got up and cleaned for about a half an hour, watched some boring tv and was finally able to drift off to sleep.  When my alarm went off this morning, my body and mind immediately remembered they were in a state of arousal and I was able to go on and have a very lovely orgasm. 

 

Here are a few things I use to distract myself while waiting for permission to cum:

 

- Physical exercise. Walking, running, lifting weights, or anything that gets me moving and my mind off my throbbing pussy. This has the added benefit of getting in shape!

 

- Cleaning

 

 Growing up as a decent looking girl, I never really needed to discourage or manage my horniness. I could either find a willing partner or take care of it myself.  So, this is a totally new phenomenon for me and let me tell you, I have a new respect for what teen aged boys go through!  My urges back then weren't one tenth of what they are now.  The lure of the forbidden, I suppose.

So, I am curious about what tips and techniques others might have used to squelch that overpowering urge to orgasm. Lately, my horniness seems out of control so I'll try anything for some relief! Please share :)

Thoughts on polyamory

I was reading another submissive woman's  blog, 

A reluctant bitch, where she was writing about her struggle accepting a third in her bed and it got me thinking about my own struggles. 

My journey with open sex, threesomes and compersion has been a profound one. I have come a long way from that vanilla, monogamous girl that I have been for most my life. Although I would not change a thing in the story of my journey, I still struggle with understanding that sex isn't a competition. 

It's hard to wrap my head around that just because he wants to be with others it's not because I am just not good enough. Logically, I know that isn't true but it still creeps up on me at times. That ugly feeling that if I was smarter, prettier, thinner, worked harder than the next person that I would somehow win the prize.

In my mind, part of me still believes that if I am not better at all those things, than I should get nothing until I figure out it out. Not a super fun way to live but I'm working on it. Even as I write it down, I see how silly it is but despite having changed dramatically over the last few years, I have yet to reach a point of comfort. Maybe I never will. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe it's part of what makes the pain/pleasure combination so addictive.

 

I have always searched tirelessly for answers when I need a resolution. In my travels I ran across  The Ethical Slut by Dossie Eastman. It has helped me see polyamory in a whole new light. I feel more confident that I am following the right path for me and I have come to understand how wonderful and fulfilling it can be. It also helped me break through years of thinking there is only one way to something and you know what? I have tried the long term monogamous route and could never get it to work. I just don't think it's the answer anymore. For me at least.

So for now, I will keep exploring and experimenting. Brain wiring is hard to change and that prince charming crap we are fed as little girls does a lot more harm than good. Now, here I am years later still trying to get over a lifetime of brainwashing.

 

So as far as wanting to be the best. I think I will always be that way.That is just how I'm built. I mean who doesn't want to be the winner but this situation is not a competion. It is about using each and everyway I know to ensure his his pleasure. Whether that comes from me or someone else is irrelevant as long as it he gets what he needs. So, I will continue to work on figuring out how to get over this last hurdle.
 

Something that has helped me is thinking about the joy of multiple partners the same way I would think about  varieties of exotic food, friends, or even your children. For example, say you have two friends, Both of them are awesome, fun and a trusted confidant. Why should you have to give one up and just have one friend? Seems silly, doesn't it? Isn't your life enriched by the journey you take with both? Same with children. Does it seem logical to only love one and turn away the other because it is not ok to love two at once. Why shouldn't this apply to sexual partners or even others with whom you form strong romantic bonds with as well? I personally prefer to have sex with someone I like as a person, am physically attracted to and that I have an interest in seeing again. It doesn't always have to be that way and casual is not completely out of the question, but it’s always more fulfilling to me if I have a strong interpersonal bond. Maybe that is just the old fashioned girl coming out in me :)

In my opinion, living this lifestyle has made the bond with T even stronger because of the level of trust involved. Of course you are going to feel closer to someone when you feel free to say "Hey, he/she is hot and I would love to fuck her or go out and get to know them better." 

I should quite qualify that being open sexually doesn't have to mean fucking anything that will move. That holds zero appeal for me but instead knowing that I am free to explore whoever and whatever I would like. At the moment, my focus is on T and enjoying other women together and I am doing exactly that. Months or years may go by when you are just with one person and other times you may be dating 5 people at once and that is ok! Well, I should qualify that it is ok as long as you are not promising anyone that you are monogamous with them. I have been down that road and I don't want to go down it ever again. Its sneaky, dishonest and is probably going to end badly. If someone says you have to be with just me and no one else and I will leave you if you don't do the same, then it may not be the right person for you. It's better if you find this out sooner rather than later.

This story is far from over and I'm not sure what is going to happen but does anyone, kinky or monogamous, really know how it will all turn out?

My new Kegel Balls

After reading Bonnie's hot experience bonniegetsspanked.blogspot.com with Kegel balls, I couldn't stop thinking about trying them out for myself. I mentioned to Sir how this turned me on and he encouraged me to go out and get some.

 

Of course, the next day I rushed right out to the closest sex store and bought some. It came with two of them in the package. One with one ball and the other with two. It also came with an extra ball with nothing connected to it. I'm still not quite sure how that works...

 

Since I would never use them without permission, I went on with my day getting increasingly horny until I couldn't stand it anymore and texted Sir a picture of my new purchase. 

 

He said I was free to play with them and have one orgasm as long as I sent pictures. Sounded like a great deal to me!

 

I tried the one ball first. It wasn't too bad but didn't give me a lot of pressure. Then I tried the one with two balls and that was awesome! I love the full feeling and how it constantly reminds me to use my kegel muscles.

 

I quickly took some interesting pictures and was able to orgasm immediately. Sir said he will soon have me go out and about while using them. I can't wait! Thanks again for the idea Bonnie!

Ten Minutes to cum twice

Last night when I texted T that I was going to bed, I didn't see his follow up text telling me to send two outfits so he may choose what I was to wear the next day. So when I finally saw it this morning, after I had already arrived at work, I felt a rush of panic sweep over me.

I immediately texted him and told him about this unfortunate over site and that I fully expected repercussions for my carelessness. I asked if it would be ok to go home at lunch and take photos so he could choose. He texted back that this would be acceptable.

Around 11:30, I went into the restroom and took a picture of myself in the black top and tan skirt I was wearing and sent it to him with a text promising another outfit shortly. I only live a few blocks away from work so I headed home and soon I had photo of a second outfit which was the one he later chose for me. 

Sometimes he allows me to go pantiless in this situation so I texted him up ask, hoping he would allow it but his answer was no. So, back to the office I went. 

I should preface this by saying that my normal, baseline state, without any stimulus is horny. I wake up horny, am horny all day and horny all the way up to bedtime. Hell, I'm sure I am even horny while I'm sleeping! Whenever I hear from T, it immediately skyrockets. This combined with wearing what he chose for me and I was starting to feel very distracted.

I finally was getting back into my work when the following text came in.

"Go fuck yourself now... You may cum twice in the next 10 minutes if you can manage... Keep underwear off"

All of the sudden everything just melted away and all I could think about was having two orgasms and how I could get this done! I texted him back thanking him profusely, set the timer on my phone, grabbed my keys and practically ran to my car. I drove the 4 blocks home and as if a guardian angel was looking after me, I even found a parking spot right out front.

I rushed in, slamming the door behind me, pulling my panties down as I bounced back onto the bed. I was so turned on but I also was anxious knowing  that time was ticking down. Orgasms are such a precious commodity and it causes me great distress to waste even one. I concentrated very hard. I thought about how it would feel if he was fucking me right now, twisting my nipples and grabbing the flesh on my inner thighs. That's all it took, my first orgasm came hard and fast.

As I lie there, recovering, I remembered the second orgasm. I had to have it. I couldn't let it just disappear into oblivion. I started tensing my body and letting my imagination run wild. I thought about the time he had me restrained on his closet door, ball gag in my mouth and a stick holding in my legs apart with strict instructions not to let it drop. God! The sex after that was simply amazing! 

I could feel the orgasm rising fast and just  as I could feel its presence seconds away, the alarm on my phone started beeping.

This had to be a joke. The thought crossed my mind to just keep going. I would only need a few more seconds but as quick as the thought popped in my head, it disappeared. My body shut down. That was it. He said I could cum twice only if I could do it in 10 minutes but I couldn't, so that was it. I say up dazed and pulled up my skirt. 

What a strange sensation I was feeling. I had a desperately needed orgasm and felt that beautiful, relaxing feeling but by immediately getting getting myself riled up again without release, my body was confused.  I walked back to the car exhilarated. Feeling like I had been zapped with 100 volts of electricity. The afterglow balanced out my horniness on the rise. 

As I walked into the office, a coworker looked at me with curiosity and asked:

"Why are you so happy? You look like you just won the lottery! Hey, weren't you wearing something different earlier?"

I just smiled and walked away. I am one lucky bitch.