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Thursday, December 12, 2013

Why is it so hard to keep my legs uncrossed?

Last evening, Sir and I met at a lovely restaurant overlooking Eastlake Union. I know from being at nearby restaurants that the view is fantastic although in the darkness I could only see a few scattered lights. I arrived early as I always do for Sir. This is just  one of the many bad habits he has broke me of.

Just the anticipation of seeing him made me wet with desire. When he walked in, his commanding presence took my breath away as it always does. I was now in full submission mode or so I thought.

A few weeks ago, he informed me that there were going to be some new rules. One of these was that I am not to cross my legs or arms and must always keep my mouth open on his presence. He didn't specify why and while it is not ever my place to question him I suspect the thought behind this rule is to symbolize how I am to always be open and available for his use and to show submission.

I am having a horrible time following this rule and to be honest, until now, I haven't put much effort into it and it shows. At dinner, I crossed my legs 3 times! Needless to say, Sir was not pleased and informed me that there would be absolutely no orgasms until he decided I was punished enough for my discretion. I started to disagree with him and justify my actions but just one look from him was enough to stop me in my tracks.

I can't tell you how horrible I felt for disappointing him! I hate it! He is always fair and gives very clear cut instructions. Why couldn't I follow this rule? Why couldn't I stop crossing my god damn legs?

I know better than to give an excuse. There is none. I fucked up. He gave me simple instructions and I didn't follow them but the social scientist in me wanted to know the reason why. I knew it couldn't be that  unconsciously I wanted to disobey him because it brings me nothing but misery, both physical and mental and it my always goal to avoid that kind of pain, especially the mental anguish. I know some subs who like to act bratty and get off on the negative attention that follows but that is just not me. I take my commitment so seriously that I would never deliberately disobey just to get attention.

So what was it? I thought and thought about it and this is the conclusion I came to. Aside from Sir's natural dominant abilities which are far superior to any I have ever seen or or heard about, my ability to submit is largely successful because of my normally stubborn nature. I have set my mind to submit and therefore my will naturally follow suit. This along with his programing almost guarantees success, at least eventually. 

As we said goodbye in the parking garage I was one big horny, chemical mess! I always am it when I am near him. As soon as he touched me and I smelled his intoxicating scent, I was a goner. My pussy was throbbing and I lost all train of thought. I wanted to ravage him, drink in all his dominant energy, be consumed. Unfortunately, my body must have not gotten the memo about how much trouble I was in. He had to be quite firm with me, making me keep my hands to my side. I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust and with that he was gone.

I really didn't want to sit home and try to squelch my raging desire but I really didn't want to go anywhere else either. So, I paced the floors and tried all the tricks in my well stocked arsenal to try to calm myself. I managed to distract myself briefly but the urges always returned quickly. My cravings were both physical and mental. The most dangerous kind, I was frustrated but I also knew I couldn't blame Sir or anyone else for my predicament. It was my fault and my fault alone. Eventually I fell asleep exhausted but firm in my resolve to become a better submissive..

When my alarm went off this morning, I was horny immediately but then the reasons why came to me so I got up resigned to my fate and even a little proud to be suffering for Sir. Work was crazy from the start and if wasn't long before I noticed my legs were crossed. God dammit! What was my problem?  I grabbed two small pieces of tape rolled them up so the sticky part was on both sides and placed a piece on the outside of each thigh.

These pieces of tape did their job of reminding me to stop crossing my legs 4 times in the morning alone but by the afternoon it only happened twice and tonight while I was out with a kinky friend it didn't happen at all! I know I am not out of the woods yet though. I plan on using this tape until I go at least 24 hours without breaking the rule.

I am determined to get this!


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