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Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Thoughts on polyamory

I was reading another submissive woman's  blog, 
A reluctant bitch, where she was writing about her struggle accepting a third in her bed and it got me thinking about my own struggles. 

My journey with open sex, threesomes and compersion has been a profound one. I have come a long way from that vanilla, monogamous girl that I have been for most my life. Although I would not change a thing in the story of my journey, I still struggle with understanding that sex isn't a competition. 

It's hard to wrap my head around that just because he wants to be with others it's not because I am just not good enough. Logically, I know that isn't true but it still creeps up on me at times. That ugly feeling that if I was smarter, prettier, thinner, worked harder than the next person that I would somehow win the prize.

In my mind, part of me still believes that if I am not better at all those things, than I should get nothing until I figure out it out. Not a super fun way to live but I'm working on it. Even as I write it down, I see how silly it is but despite having changed dramatically over the last few years, I have yet to reach a point of comfort. Maybe I never will. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe it's part of what makes the pain/pleasure combination so addictive.
I have always searched tirelessly for answers when I need a resolution. In my travels I ran across  The Ethical Slut by Dossie Eastman. It has helped me see polyamory in a whole new light. I feel more confident that I am following the right path for me and I have come to understand how wonderful and fulfilling it can be. It also helped me break through years of thinking there is only one way to something and you know what? I have tried the long term monogamous route and could never get it to work. I just don't think it's the answer anymore. For me at least.

So for now, I will keep exploring and experimenting. Brain wiring is hard to change and that prince charming crap we are fed as little girls does a lot more harm than good. Now, here I am years later still trying to get over a lifetime of brainwashing.
So as far as wanting to be the best. I think I will always be that way.That is just how I'm built. I mean who doesn't want to be the winner but this situation is not a competion. It is about using each and everyway I know to ensure his his pleasure. Whether that comes from me or someone else is irrelevant as long as it he gets what he needs. So, I will continue to work on figuring out how to get over this last hurdle.
Something that has helped me is thinking about the joy of multiple partners the same way I would think about  varieties of exotic food, friends, or even your children. For example, say you have two friends, Both of them are awesome, fun and a trusted confidant. Why should you have to give one up and just have one friend? Seems silly, doesn't it? Isn't your life enriched by the journey you take with both? Same with children. Does it seem logical to only love one and turn away the other because it is not ok to love two at once. Why shouldn't this apply to sexual partners or even others with whom you form strong romantic bonds with as well? I personally prefer to have sex with someone I like as a person, am physically attracted to and that I have an interest in seeing again. It doesn't always have to be that way and casual is not completely out of the question, but it’s always more fulfilling to me if I have a strong interpersonal bond. Maybe that is just the old fashioned girl coming out in me :)

In my opinion, living this lifestyle has made the bond with T even stronger because of the level of trust involved. Of course you are going to feel closer to someone when you feel free to say "Hey, he/she is hot and I would love to fuck her or go out and get to know them better." 

I should quite qualify that being open sexually doesn't have to mean fucking anything that will move. That holds zero appeal for me but instead knowing that I am free to explore whoever and whatever I would like. At the moment, my focus is on T and enjoying other women together and I am doing exactly that. Months or years may go by when you are just with one person and other times you may be dating 5 people at once and that is ok! Well, I should qualify that it is ok as long as you are not promising anyone that you are monogamous with them. I have been down that road and I don't want to go down it ever again. Its sneaky, dishonest and is probably going to end badly. If someone says you have to be with just me and no one else and I will leave you if you don't do the same, then it may not be the right person for you. It's better if you find this out sooner rather than later.

This story is far from over and I'm not sure what is going to happen but does anyone, kinky or monogamous, really know how it will all turn out?

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