Follow blog by entering your email here

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Feeling insecure

Ugh! I hate feeling this way! I can't shake this demoralizing feeling. I feel insecure, boring, insignificant, talentless, average and second best to name a few.

I just can't shake the feeling that he values his other partner more than me. She is younger, an artist and it would seem, way more appealing than I am. 

He has only known her 5 or so months yet he pushes her for more even when she runs away, introduces her to his friends and family and from what I can tell, spends more time with her. I wish I could be happy for him but I can't seem to get this fucking compersion concept down! I'm jealous God dammit!

He says it is not so and that he doesn't value her more than me but if that is really true, why can't I shake this feeling? Is my intuition really that far off? I hate to bug him again with my insecurities. He is really good about listening and reassuring me but I hate being so needy and whiny! I feel like that it will eventually turn him off. I thought if maybe if I just wrote about it I would feel better. 

I don't always feel this way and I know it won't last. It is just the last day or so I've been slipping into this funk. I feel so in the dark and wish I had more information. I'm frustrated and sad and definitely not living in the moment like I've been working very hard to do! 

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Respect

Recently, I was thinking about some of the ways that embracing my submission has made me a better woman. Not only am I happier and more content, it also forces me to carefully examine my thoughts, feeling and actions on a regular basis. Something that is always a healthy and productive thing. Most of the time I have no idea what the future holds but one of the greatest gifts finding this passion has given me is the ability to just let go and be.

  

I am all for feminism and strong, capable women. I believe every woman should be self sufficient, responsible for herself and have the ability to find her own way through life. There is no greater time in history to be a woman and the opportunities are endless. The only limitations are the ones put on her by herself. In summary, woman are awesome. 

 

That being said, I've noticed an increasingly disturbing trend that does not put women in the best light and it is something that must change. That is male bashing.

 

Somehow it has become acceptable in society to ridicule, belittle and put down men. This phenomenon has been creeping in slowly over the last couple decades and many times, I've seen how it ruin relationships and emasculate men.

 

It seems to run rampant in marriages and relationships these days and I see it all the time. Wives emasculating the very man they are supposed to love and conquer life with. There is clear there is an epidemic of disrespect of men, husbands and fathers.

 

Sometimes it is blatant and said with obvious disdain but more often it is said in a “joking” manner complete with sighs and eye rolls.

 

I find this very disturbing and not very funny at all.

 

It has even trickled down into the interactions between kids. I can't count how many times I've seen little girls with shirts that say such things as "Girls rule, boys drool", "Girl Power" or the most egregious of them all "Boys are stupid"! I did a double take the first time I saw that one. A major manufacturer really thought it was a good idea to put that on a shirt? Unbelievable. I can only imagination how little boys feel when he sees this shirt. The message that is slowly being indoctrinated is that males may be slower and stupider but will all be ok because fortunately there are women around to guide you, show you the error of your ways and fix your fuck ups.


So here these boys are being given messages that they aren't as good as girls and that they shouldn't trust their own judgment. Then we have the nerve to expect them to grow up into strong and respectable men who know how to treat women like gentlemen. How are they able to grow up to be strong capable men when they see so much male bashing going on in commercials, tv shows (think Kind of Queens and Something about Jim) and even in their own homes.

 

It’s not just words either. There is the passive aggressive behavior, withholding affection and sex, eye rolling and body language.

 

The ironic part of it is that women belittle men and then wonder why they can't find the strong dominant man that they crave. I saw the quote below and while I am not a religious woman, it really resonated with me.

 

“If you’ve spent any time around horses, you know a stallion can be a major problem. They’re strong, very strong, and they’ve got a mind of their own. Stallions typically don’t like to be bridled, and they can get downright aggressive—especially if there are mares around. A stallion is hard to tame. If you want a safer, quieter animal, there’s an easy solution: castrate him. A gelding is much more compliant. You can lead him around by the nose; he’ll do what he’s told without putting up a fuss. There’s only one problem: Geldings don’t give life. They can’t come through for you the way a stallion can. A stallion is dangerous all right, but if you want the life he offers, you have to have the danger too. They go together.”   —John Eldredge, Wild at Heart

 

That sums it up exactly.  Why are so many women slowly castrating men and then bitching and complaining that they aren't a stallion?

 

I know for most of history women have been put down, taken for granted and abused. I know that it still happens and it is horrible and 100% unacceptable but does that mean we have to swing the pendulum so far the other way? 


If someone doesn't respect you, you should walk away. That goes for both sexes who find themselves victims of a partner that belittles, manipulates or indulges in other hurtful behavior.

 

While I am not a man basher or hater of all things masculine, I have been known to make sexist, prejudicial remarks and showing irritation when men are being men. I never noticed it before Sir and I began exploring Dominance and Submission. It has made me very conscious of respect. I could never ridicule, put down or disrespect him without it causing me great distress. Nothing could ever make me withhold sex either! The thought of that is insane to me. It's laughable to think about ever denying him anything much less sex!


 I love to read blogs about submissive  women and am so inspired by the deep level of commitment and respect some have for their Dom. To me it is the ultimate act of submission. 


While this post addresses wonens respect towards men it of course this goes both ways. No woman should ever blindly give herself to a man who does not respect her in return.


I am so fortunate to have found Sir. He treats me with the upmost respect and is always careful and considerate with my feeling while still giving me the pain and humiliation I need. This couldn't work for me otherwise. It's a rare man that can successfully balance domination and respect. I know I am so fortunate to have someone who does it so easily.


My hope is that everyone, men, women and children can someday live with peace and respect.



Wednesday, September 17, 2014

A new friend

There is no doubt that my very high sex drive is back in full force! It was never gone but was scaled back to that of an average person this summer when I had some struggles and wasn't feeling deserving of many orgasms. That's all in the past now and that's where I'm determined it will stay. Living sexually charged and horny is such a better way to live!

I was just in line at Target when the woman in front of me laid a package of clothes pins on the conveyer belt. Immediately my nipples got hard and my pussy wet. I got this very intense craving to feel those on my pussy. When you are a horny bitch like I am, it obviously doesn't take much! Good thing I love to be horny :) I'm hoping Sir will allow me to use my clamps and cum later...

Yesterday, I met a really awesome woman interested in a threesome situation. I wasn't in the mood to go at first but I'm so glad I did! She was bubbly, funny and pretty heavily involved in the poly and kink scene. I forgot how much I love making new kinky friends especially people integrated in these communities. There are so many exciting things I want to see and do still.

She was cute but became even more attractive the longer I talked to her. I was in a great mood when I left. She definitely liked me too and went out of her way to make it known she was bisexual and that it is a very important part of what she is looking for in a threesome situation.

I told Sir about how excited I was about her.  I know he will enjoy her company. My only concern is that I am not 100% sure he will be sexually attracted to her. Even after all this time, I've been wrong a couple times one way or another about this. I'm hopeful he will though! I really want to start exploring this with him again..

I am in the process of setting up something up for us all to meet and I hope at this time next week, I have good need to report!

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

It's been a great week!

I'm feeling much better about my submission this last week. It has been a week of many orgasms and my normal hyper aroused self!

It started last Wednesday when around 10pm, he told me to stop what I was doing and cum five times. I was elated and after the first orgasm, I was able to watch porn and linger in my fantasies without fear of cuming too fast.

The following night, to kick off the start of a new NFL season Sir told me that every time the Seahawks scored points I could cum but when the Green Bay Packers scored, I must wear the nipple clamps for two minutes. The Seahawks were their usual awesome selves so I ended up getting five orgasms! Their legendary offense allowed the Packer's to score just 3 times but we didn't start until after the first touchdown so I only ended up wearing them for a total of 4 minutes. Good thing too! After putting them on the first time, I realized that I have not worn them in a long time and I definitely lost my tolerance.

Although I must admit, being the horny masochist I am, I did get turned on by wearing them! It is just the taking them off that I don't like. Especially without Sir there to distract me from the pain with his mouth... Yes, it is definitely time to get my tolerance back up!

It was really a great night! I felt so good and so submissive after my multiple orgasms and just the right amount of nipple pain. I slept better that night than I had in awhile.

Another thing that happened that made me realize I was on track happened on Saturday. I had been doing very unsubmissive things all morning when I had this overwhelming craving for pain, forcefulness and sex of course. I never don't want sex. That is a given! But the pain and desire to be taken and forced to his will permeated my whole being! I imagined him overtaking my complete essence and me being absolutely obedient to anything and everything he wanted. These thoughts overwhelmed me for a few minutes. My pussy was wet and I couldn't focus on even the smallest task.

I soon brought myself back to reality but couldn't shake that need for physical and mental domination and my concentration was seriously interrupted by deviant thoughts for the rest of the day. By around 11:30pm I was so horny and wound up and I needed to cum. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't. I texted Sir and was so relieved when he told me to cum twice!

Then. yesterday morning as I was settling into work, he texted one work "cum". I can't even begin to explain the chemical reaction in my body. It was like bring jolted by electricity. I was on a mission and nothing was going to stop me. I quickly ran to my car but there were too many people around and I didn't want to get arrested! So I went back inside and went into the bathroom. By that point, I was wet and my pussy was aching! I barely had time to fantasize when I came. Hard. Luckily no one came in :)

So, as you can see, it was quite the stimulating week!

I feel revitalized in my submission. I'm feeling it more mentally and physically now. It makes me realize how detrimental my actions in July were. It is just now finally back to normal and I'm so happy!

The only way this week could have been better was if I could have fucked Sir. But that is for him to decide when and where. I know it's not my place to demand things. In the past, I would have gotten anxious and irritable but I now feel at peace and confident knowing that when the time is right he will have me come to him. I've come along way in this aspect of my submission and the sense of serenity I feel is almost spiritual.

As for my ad requesting ideas and fantasies? I must have received 75 responses and they are still trickling in. The first thing I noticed was how many people asked about and offered things totally irrelevant to my ad. Mostly propositions. I reread my ad and I did not, in any uncertain terms, say that I was looking to hook up with any one. About 90% of the responses were about how I could write about all of the very graphic things after they did them to me. Some of them were very off putting especially ones about domination. I can't and don't want to imagine anyone dominating me but Sir. In fact, the thought of it is downright repulsive to me. The most enjoyable responses were the ones where they told a general story as opposed to telling me what they would do to me.

I also learned how lucky I am when it comes to finding women to share with Sir. So many people out there have trouble finding a threesome! I admit it is probably the most difficult type of person to find and to actually form some kind of relationship with but Sir and I have done it many times. Not that it was always easy. I remember the incredible stress and anxiety it caused me in the beginning and there were many times I thought it would never happen. The more experienced and confident I got, the easier it was to find willing ladies. This is most likely because I no longer give off the air of desperation. My attitude is that if something with any given woman works out that's great. If not, it kind of sucks, but I just go on to the next one. I heard from people who have been trying for a long time and never even found a single unicorn and hoped I would help. That's sad but sorry, it's not going me.

I thought it was interesting that Sir and I already have fulfilled many of these fantasies that I heard about including the following:

- Rape/break in
- MFF threesome 
- exhibitionism like at a sex club
- outdoor sex
- Orgasm on demand . Boy did I have trouble with that at first now it's so ingrained that it requires no thought or effort on my part. It just happens. So amazing!
- Orgasm control and denial 
- sex with threat of getting caught (this makes me nostalgic for his old car...)
- piercing and tattooing as a sign of submission.

We are very compatible and our kinks match up nearly perfect. He often has this sixth sense of what I need and just how far to take me. Much to my amazement Recently I realized that I can't hide my emotions with him as much as I like to think I can. He can read me quite well. Maybe even better than anyone. I'm not sure how I feel about that this....

This was a very special week not only because it was filled with light-hearted, sexy fun and perpetual arousal. It's because for the first time in awhile I didn't feel bad or guilty or regretting something I had done wrong or to disappoint him. I feel so much sexier, submissive and fulfilled this way. Both Sir and I deserve happiness and a life overrun with positive drama and I plan on doing everything in my power to make sure it stays like this! 

Thank you Sir for bringing happiness and sexual electricity to my week.I am honored to submit to you and appreciate you more than you know :)





Wednesday, September 3, 2014

In need of a little help

I have been recently afflicted with a writer's block of sorts. In fact, when it comes to my blog, for the last two weeks I have had trouble thinking of even one thing substantial enough to write about. That has never happened before and as you can imagine, it is causing me quite a bit of anxiety.

During the last 3-4 months I have had a lot of upheaval and change in my non submissive life. I know this had me off my game somewhat a couple months ago but I don't think it stifled my creativity at all. Things have largely calmed down since then so I'm perplexed to why I am having this problem now when I have actually have much more mental space for my submission.

I thought that maybe it was the lingering guilt and disappointment about my failures this summer. I know that has effected Sir's confidence in my ability which if you are a submissive, you know it is one of the worst things that can happen. 

I have done what I can to make amends  but I still occasionally feel its effects and it makes me feel lost sometimes. I know I can't change the past and all I can do is put in safeguards to make sure it doesn't happen again, something I have worked very hard to do. I have prepared myself mentally over and over to respond the appropriate way. I have done research have come to  understand that feelings and frustrations are fleeting but the negative effects of losing my composure and overacting last forever.....  

Things have pretty much returned to normal except that I haven't been punished yet and I have noticed that he has stopped telling me things that could possibly upset me. Things that I could be learning to conquer and embrace. Things that would deepen my submission. Who can blame him? I definitely don't! Why would he risk having to deal with me freaking out? He hates that kind of drama and so do I. It is time consuming, draining and destructive. Yes, it is 100% my fault that this part of my training has faltered and I know I must wait for him to feel comfortable again before I can show him I can will and be successful. 

Those are just some possible factors that crossed my mind but I'm really not sure what the reason is. It could very well be none of those things. Honestly, I don't spend a lot of time focusing on my past mistakes anymore. Sir told me not to worry about it and I have obeyed this command as I have all the others. Plus I truly believe I will have it under control in the future. I am just patiently waiting for the opportunity to prove it. 

So, whatever the reason, the fact remains that I am having trouble writing. 

In my frustration, I asked Sir for help and as usual he came up with an innovative idea. He said I should ask for help from other kinky people out there. I could post an ad on craigslist asking for topics or fantasies that may inspire me to write. Why didn't I think of that? I guess that is why he is the Dominant!

So I posted the following ad in several sections of Craigslist:


I am a submissive woman on the look out for fantasy and adventure. I have been writing a blog for about two years now and recently have had a bad case writer's block. I am at a total loss about what to write! I usually write about exciting experiences I have had as well as the challenges, struggles and oh so amazing triumphs on my journey as a submissive.

I am in need of  some help from like minded people. I  would love to hear about your fantasies or ideas about domination and submission. I especially enjoy hearing about threesomes and about a female sub training another female sub on how to please her Dominant man.


So, far I have received about 20 responses. The majority are from men or couples thinking I am looking for someone to hook up with. I am definitely not looking for that! Well, unless you are a single, bisexual and submissive woman looking for a threesome. I've received a few interesting fantasies that I will definitely be writing about! I am keeping all the emails in a folder (even the overly graphic, creepy ones) and at the end of the week I will choose the one that inspires me most.

This has been such an exciting experience so far! It's interesting to hear ideas and fantasies from other pervs like me. I am definitely feel more in harmony with my submission, not to mention horny!

I am so glad I asked Sir for his help, He always seems to have a good solution :)

UPDATE - Once again Sir knew just what a horny bitch needs! He told me to  stop what I am doing and immediately cum 5 times. I was in submissive heaven! I have been a
horny all day wearing an outfit he picked out and reading about one of my favorite subjects, domination and submission. 

Yes, this horny bitch needed it and Sir made sure all the submissive thoughts of the day were seared in my brain with those 5 orgasms. I fantasized  about about all the ways I wanted to serve his needs along with all the ways he dominates and controls his bitch with such ease and finesse.

It  has been such a good day for my submission and I am reminded once again how truly lucky I am to have found someone who gets me like only he does.



Thursday, August 28, 2014

Late post

I forgot to post to my blog yesterday. I thought about it several times over the last couple days but in the end I forgot.

I have no excuse. No explanation. It hit me today that I completely spaced it out. The realization shot through me like lightening. I hate disappointing him. More than anyone in the world.

I didn't mention it to Sir when I realized it and I didn't mention it to him when I saw him this evening. I feel like I fucked up so much in the last couple months and I didn't want to ruin our time together. This was also not right. He is the one who brought it up. I feel terrible about it. I could go through the all the excuses about why but none of that matters. I was required to do it and I didn't. End of story. 

There will be consequences and I will gladly accept my punishment.


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Contentment is a matter of where I focus my attention

Life is awesome. So many things to do, people to meet and places to go. The possibilities are endless really.

Unfortunately, it is also busy, mundane, full of responsibilities and aggravations all which can lead to a big giant bag of stress.

I know Sir has had some stress and annoyances lately (unfortunately,some of that was caused by me!) and it got me thinking. Submission is not just about obedience and doing what you are told. It is also about serving and bringing pleasure to the the one to whom you submit. By focusing on his needs without letting one's own insecurities and vanity get in the way. 

I have come across some submissive's who seem to focus an awful lot on their own needs, including myself at times. I've been guilty of focusing on how I'm feeling and what am I getting out of this. Of putting my 
wants, physical  and emotional, above his. Basically having the attitude "What have you done for me lately?"

Wow, is that so not submission or what?  

So, what is the result when I have this self centered focus? Two things. First and most importantly it puts added stress on Sir because he needs worry about things he should not have to. When he has to deal with my doubts and varying degrees of tantrums, I'm pretty sure he isn't getting much pleasure.

The second result is that it can make me feel downright miserable! At best it feels wrong, foreign, kind of like wearing clothes that don't fit and at its worst it is beyond distressing. 

This realization recently hit me like a bolt of lightening but it is really quite simple. When I think about what would please Sir and act on those intentions, I feel good. I have a deep sense of satisfaction. It just feels right. When my attention is on me and my various frivolous demands, I don't feel so good.

Before you think I'm some kind of Zen Goddess, that is always at peace and puts others needs above my own, let me tell you that is not the case. In most areas of my life, I don't have a problem doing what I need to do to get my needs met and even fight hard for what I think, right or wrong, that I deserve. Like many people, I spend a fair amount of time thinking about my needs, wants and desires and what I can do to make myself feel good. I think that is fairly normal.

It's different with Sir though. When I focus on what he wants and what would bring him pleasure, it makes me incredibly happy and content. I feel like I literally beam when he tells me I have pleased him.

While some may take advantage of that, Sir does not. He shows me respect and appreciation in return and feels good when he makes me happy as well. I know not every submissive gets that and I realize how lucky I am to have found him.

This has really started to sink in over the last week or two and I feel like I am rapidly overcoming a very difficult hurdle in submission. I always knew this in theory but never really put it together with the shift in my mood and sense of contentment. When I focus on pleasing him, I feel good when I focus on my vanity and getting what I can, I don't. 

I want to thank him again and I hope he knows how much I appreciate his patience with me. He inspires me to push through the hard stuff and my perseverance is always rewarded by a sense of  accomplishment and pride.