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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Perception is not Reality

A few days ago, I was talking with a submissive friend about some struggles I have experienced lately, Struggles that seem to come to life only in my own head. Namely, how I have been reacting negatively to things that didn't even happen. Seeing the worst possible scenario instead of the best or even neutral. Putting undue strain on my relationship with Sir and generally making me miserable, What was her answer to this? She said not to be too hard on myself because after all,  "Perception is Reality" and that should justify my bad behavior..

I think that is bullshit, I think it is nothing but an excuse for bad behavior.

Perception is NOT Reality and faulty Perceptions Create a World of Lies.

This overused phrase, "Perception is reality" is a blatant lie. The way we see ourselves, our bodies, situations, and the world around us is skewed by our own biases and insecurities. The way we view life is simply not real. It doesn't accurately reflect what is. Instead, it is past experiences, personal insecurities, and previously formed opinions and beliefs that heavily impact how we see the world while altering our ability to clearly see what is true. It makes me think of this quote from C.S. Lewis.

“What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.”

Two different people who hear the same statement or witness one event can easily step away and reflect two completely different views. No two people will perceive something identically which is often the cause for many disagreements.

Our personal perceptions mostly cause us to be more judgmental of ourselves than anyone else. Whether it's about our appearance, our intellect or our strength in submission, we are our worst critics and consequently our own worst enemies as well. 

It would serve us all well to keep in mind what Lewis is saying in his quote. The way we see ourselves and the world is directly effected by where we are in our lives, past experiences, and inborn insecurities or biases. Life would be easier and I am thinking that we would be much happier if we remembered that most of what we believe we see and hear is simply not reality.

I will allow that disagreeing with the concept of "perception is reality" may have some negative results like constantly second guessing ourselves or perhaps even thinking we're going crazy part of the time but it is the truth. None of us are able to absorb anything exactly as it is because our perceptions alter it as soon as it enters our brain. Knowing this can maybe help us to not be so hard on ourselves and others around us.


I don't have any answers to solve all the chaos this creates but it makes me feel better just to be aware that it exists. I am very thankful that Sir is so patient with me and makes it safe for me to fumble and recover but I hate disappointing him. I hope he knows I will never stop striving to be a more evolved submissive and person in general.

Friday, July 11, 2014

An Orgasm Interupted

 I have been lying here in a daze for the last 20 minutes. My submission to Sir has reached yet another new level or maybe it just needed this opportunity to show me just how deep it has become. Either way, it was one of the most amazing things that ever happened with my body.

The day started with Sir choosing my outfit and telling me not to wear panties. The scene was set to star one horny bitch! 

Later that afternoon, we discussed plans and we were both a little frustrated by the circumstances preventing us having alone time. When balancing work, family, friends and other women, our connection may not take priority. It's always there and always important but when time is scarce, we need to work on things that could disappear without out attention. I understand that but wanted to make sure we never lose that. 

He takes concerns I have seriously and talks calmly and respectfully to me about them no matter how ridiculous or trivial they may seem. I can honestly say I always feel better after talking with him. He has a very reassuring manner in times of emotional upheaval and of the many things I appreciate about him, this is one of the biggest. 

When he understands me in that way that only he can, my submission grows and I get hornier. So, that evening, it's safe to say, my pussy was clenched and aching!

We didn't get too far in figuring out how we were going to fit in alone time. Both of us had pressing things to deal with throughout the weekend and Sunday we were going to spend some time with A who definitely needed some TLC.  

When I got finally got home about 8:30, my pussy was tight, wet and aching. I could not stop thinking about him controlling me. His strong grip, his firm, commanding voice turning me into putty in his hands and most of all, his huge 8 inch cock ramming me and bringing more orgasms than I can count.

Finally, when I couldn't take much more, I texted him saying I was frustrated and of I could please have permission to cum. 

He wanted to know if so was frustrated with him which I was not. I was frustrated with the roadblocks postponing this  deeply ingrained need to serve him. That along with my brain and pussy pressuring me for a release, I was in a bad way.

He said I may have 5 orgasms in the next 30 minutes. Pleasure flooded my body instantly and I set the alarm for 30 minutes in the future. 

The first one came instantly almost spontaneously. I could feel the oxytocin flood my body and I sense of peace came over me.  I started thinking about focusing on threesome when a text I received a text from A. She seemed to think just she and Sir were going to meet on Sunday and that she hoped her and I get together soon. I was confused and a little thrown off and we texted back and forth a few times. 

I looked at the clock and saw that I just wasted over 10 minutes of my orgasm time. I asked myself what the fuck was I doing wasting this very generous opportunity from Sir and immediately got my head back in submission mode.

I had my second one and then brought out the porn. I know exactly what to watch to make me cum quickly. It did not disappoint and I soon had two more.

As I lay there looking for a new clip, I glanced at the clock. 3 minutes left! I started to panic and clicked on a spanking tube video with a cute young blonde girl who broke a rule and was going to be punished with several implements. I forwarded through talking and several other scenes looking for the good stuff. Finally, I got to the part where she was over his knee and between blows on her cute red ass and her cries, he rubbed her wet pussy while she moaned. That did it! I could feel the orgasm rise and a split second later, the alarm went off.

Immediately, it just stopped. It didn't slow down. It stopped completely. My pussy was completely relaxed. Not a trace of the intense spasm that was taking of just a millisecond before.

I sat up. I couldn't  comprehend what just happened. How could an orgasm just disappear once it started? I would like to take credit for stopping it because I am so obedient to Sir but I can't. It happened so quickly that I didn't even have time to makes that choice. 

I know my submission is deep but I had no idea it was this deeply ingrained. It's so amazing what the mind and body can do when you are dedicated to a goal and preserve even when things get difficult.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

New friends

Sir and I had an eventful week with two different lady friends. As I mentioned last time, we had a lovely lunch with A last week. We decided to plan a more intimate gathering which is exactly what we did this past Sunday.
 
Sir wanted her to get there first so her and I could get more comfortable with each other before he arrived. He encouraged foreplay. We were both a little nervous but soon decided we would answer the door naked and then proceeded to strip down to our panties. As you can imagine, Sir was quite pleased.
 
The encounter went surprisingly  smooth and I don't think anyone felt left out. I know it was the first time I didn't feel left out, upset or jealous in a threesome situation. I was more worried about the other woman's pleasure for a change. I think this was key to controlling any negative feelings I may have  otherwise had. She was soft and sweet and it was interesting to touch her and feel the feminine energy she radiated.

While I appreciated her femininity, I am largely, although not entirely, straight. My sexual energy was largely pulled to Sir. I found that the  biggest difference when I have someone else there is that I am in control of myself 90% of the time instead of being 100% under Sirs control. It just confirmed once again that sex is do much better when left under his command.

I hope it doesn't sound like I didn't enjoy myself though because I definitely did! I had four orgasms. Who would like that? He had given me permission to have as many as I wanted but I found myself so distracted by focusing on her pleasure that I didn't take full advantage. That isn't a complaint just an observation. It was a beautiful, erotic, exciting experience. Just different from what I am used to. 

I was excited to learn had A has a submissive streak and I hope to build on that. I want to see what it is like once we are all more comfortable. I suspect it, like with Sir, it will only get better :)

I did have one concern though. I began worry that I would lose my one on one time with Sir. That is where my submission is reinforced and grows the most. The thought of stifling that process makes me incredibly sad. I brought it up to Sir before I let myself get too upset about something that hadn't even happened and he quickly reassured me that would I need not worry. As usual, he helped calm my fears immediately. He is so good that way.

The other woman we met us Angela. I've met with her 3 times and Sir and I met together with her twice. She is a really nice woman and we all three seem to get along  exceptionally well. We are planning to see each again next week. Hopefully it makes for a hot blog post!

So as you can see, our journey has taken us to yet more new and exciting places places this week. I am not sure where it will go next but I know if it involves Sir and I together it's going to be interesting!

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Sharing a woman

On Saturday, Sir and I will once again share a woman. I am excited, apprehensive, turned on and many other emotions. Many I can't even identify.

She, I'll call her A, answered an ad I put on Craigslist. She is cute, sweet, naive and very young. About as young as you can legally get. She likes a lot of communication which isn't always the case in these situations. She is attentive and amazingly mature for someone so young.

We met her for lunch last Sunday and I found myself attracted to her. I thought about how it would feel to touch her soft skin and large round breasts. I even went as far as thinking that it may actually be nice to taste her sweet pussy. That I might not just tolerate it but actually enjoy it.

While there are many things I am looking forward to experiencing, like feeling the curves and softness of a women, I do worry about some things. Mostly logistical things. How do condoms work? Sir and I don't use them but he does elsewhere. What happens when he goes back and forth? Or does he just do one then the other?

When Sir and I are together, we are completely focused on each other. I just feel I don't think. I am just a vessel for his desires. All  hear are his words. How am I ever going to focus on someone else? This concerns me. My main concern is are his needs. His pleasure gives me pleasure. My second concern is A's pleasure. She has had some bad experiences with threesome's and it is important to me that she has a good experience.

Another thought  that has crossed my mind is what am I supposed to do when he is fucking her? This is the hardest part. Not so much because of the jealousy but the awkwardness of having nothing to do. I hate that. It breaks my spell and makes me focus on reality.

These are just some of the thoughts in my head. Despite a few minor concerns, I am ready for this! I want to open up and truly experience the beauty of all those contrasts between the male and female forms. I want to feel the satisfaction of sharing this intimate moment with Sir and to beam with pride at knowing that together we found yet another fulfilling experience on our unique and special journey.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Deep throat or Bust!

This is it. No more excuses and lame attempts. I will do this. I am going to learn to deep throat.

A few days ago when Sir was over he wanted me to suck his cock and as usual, I had a very hard time doing it sufficiently. I am not trying to make excuses but he is way bigger than average. 8 inches to be exact. Believe me, getting his cock down my throat is no easy task!

Once again, I gagged and choked and nearly lost my dinner. I also struggle with opening my mouth wide enough so my teeth don't scrape his penis. I was so frustrated and so was he. 

To be fair, he has been very patient with me when it comes to this. Over the years, I have made progress and even get it down but only briefly and never consistently. It is time I figure this out, once and for all.

The main problem is with my gag reflex. I've read a lot about this and the one thing that is an absolute must to conquer this is practice. Not practicing once every week or two but daily, consistent practice on a cock.

Unfortunately, while I would love to suck his cock daily, this is not possible. So, I needed another way to get my daily practice and I found it at Lover's.

It is a flexible 8 inch life like cock. It is intimidating to look at much less thinking about stuffing it all the way down my throat but it is what he wants. So, that's what is going to happen. 

I asked Sir what he thinks a  reasonable amount of time would be to practice each day and a date he would like me to accomplish it by. He said he would consider and let me know. 

He also said there would be a consequence if I did not. This is not your average consequence either. It is a horrible, disgusting, soul sucking act that would most likely traumatize me for a long time, maybe forever.

It's so awful that I can't even bring myself to write it down.

No. There is no way I want that to happen. This is in my control and the way I see it, there is only one option here and that is to finally become the expert deep throating bitch that Sir deserves.



Wednesday, June 18, 2014

New Adventures Ahead

It's been awhile since Sir and I have shared a woman and I have been thinking about it a lot lately.
 
On the last two years, we have shared 3 women. It has gotten  easier every time. In fact, the last time, while I still had some jealousy and conflicting feelings, I actually found pleasure. Both for myself and him. I remember this surprising me at the time. I was experiencing every submissive's dream. Pain and pleasure.
 
That was last September. Since then we went off on other tangents. All fulfilling in different ways.For the last few months, I have been trying to find another submissive woman. One I explore my dominate side with and to train to please Sir. This is no easy task! I recently asked Sir if I could seek just a normal MFF threesome. I have been thinking about it a lot more recently and have found myself actually wanting it. He said I could seek that but to continue looking for a submissive woman as well.
 
Well, I don't know if it was the honey moon or what but the very next day, I got replies to both of my ads!

 I was so excited but have had enough experience with women to know that this was far from a done deal! Women are tricky. They require endless communication. You need to take sure they feel special and good about themselves. Even if you do all those things, there mood can change with the wind and it's over. 

I am proceeding cautiously yet optimistically.

The first one is very young. 18. That's strange on so many levels and I have made a mental note to check her ID before anything happens. At first I was put off by this. I mean she is just a kid! But the more I communicated with her, the more I like her. She is bright, sweet and more mature than people decades older than her. She reaches out first quite a bit and I don't feel like I need to coddle her until we meet. She would like to meet Sir and next weekend. I really don't think she will back out and that's more than I can say about a lot of women I have met.

She does not know we practice D/S so that part would have to be kept under wraps. It's not my preference but I think we will enjoy the experience for exactly what it is. 

The second woman seems like a fantasy come true. She is recently divorced from a man who didn't care to explore much. Meanwhile she would be having fantasies of women and threesomes. I've only seen a pic so far but from what I can tell she is gorgeous. Long dark hair, beautiful brown eyes and milky white skin.  She says she is interested in exploring her submissive side but had no experience yet. We are meeting each other Friday night for drinks and just to get to know each other. Sir is out of town until next week so it will just be her and I.

Who knows how these scenario's turn out at this very moment, I feel like the world is full of endless possibilities!  There are so many people to meet and things to explore and I owe it all to Sir. He taken me to places I never dreamed existed and helped me unfold who I truly am. He is one of a kind amazing and I'll always be grateful I found him.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Guilt and Disappointment

 One of my reoccurring tasks is to post a blog entry every Wednesday. I have done this without fail since the start. It's important for me to always be above average when it comes to my submission to Sir. There is nothing worse to me than letting him down so when I realized on Thursday morning that I didn't actually publish it, I was a wreck!

I actually wrote the post a few days before. It was about recent additions to our rules so I wanted to start early so I would have the opportunity to go back and add more as I remembered them. It was as good as done and II should have just posted it early but I didn't and this was my first mistake.

On Thursday morning, I realized I forgot and immediately began to panic. I posted it immediately after I remembered but didn't tell Sir right away. Not because I hoped he wouldn't notice and that I would get away with it but because I was truly upset with myself. With anyone else, I probably would not have not even said anything. I probably wouldn't have even given it a second thought but not with him. To be truly submissive one must be transparent despite the consequences. For me, I need to do it 100% or not at all. I did tell him that evening and we both agreed that I must be punished. Unfortunately, I need consequences or I'll most likely see what I can get away with.

The next night I came to his place. Tired from traveling out east for business, he was lying up in bed. The physical and mental effect of the sight of him there hit me like like an explosion. I immediately lifted my dress and straddled him. I remember feeling my orgasm rise and willed myself to calm down a bit. The effect he has on me is mind altering and even terrifying at times. I feel out of control with the urge to devour him. The only way I can come down to reality is for him to take complete control over me which he easily does.

I sucked his cock and then we began fucking. He stopped for a second and told me he was going to let me have an orgasm but immediately after, I was to go into his closet to l get his riding crop so he could give me ten lashes with it. As soon as that sentence was out of his mouth, I came immediately. As I felt the energy rush out of my body, I forced myself up and got what he asked for.

I laid face down and he asked me why I was being punished. I answered that I broke a very clear rule. He told me I was to count the lashes. The first few were slightly painful but because I was completely lost in subspace, they actually felt pleasurable. He told me to look at him and I remember noticing that he was using more force than he ever had before. I felt proud that I could take so much for him and this made the next 4 or 5 joyfully tolerable.

I thought he was going to stop at 10 but he didn't. I remember saying "fourteen" after a searing pain shot through my body. At this point, I began to beg for him to please stop, something I've never done before. He gave me a few more and I continued to plead with him to stop.
This was pure reaction. I wasn't thinking about how that by attempting to get him to stop that I was ignoring his pleasure. This had now become about my needs.

He finally stopped but he was clearly not happy with me. He said it was obvious I wanted to be in control and he might as well just lie there so I could use him however I wanted to. I must have been a horrible turnoff to him. I told him that in no way, shape or form did I want that and I just wanted to bring him pleasure but he wasn't buying it. I apologized over and over and begged him to continue until he felt he got what he needed. He refused.

The distress I felt was off the charts. I had let him down. Again. Why is it that lately no matter how hard I try, I just can't get it right when I am in that oversexed frame of mind? Why should he have the same out of control urges for me as I do for him? I can't stop about thinking how if I could just be better, he would move mountains to sexually dominate me and I would be worthy of my submission to him. He says this is not true and he is still very much wants to fuck me but I just can't stop thinking that if I could just take more, flinch less, and stop getting so wrapped up in my own sensations then he would need it and crave it as much as I do. I know this is my own fault and that I am the only one who can fix it and I vow to keep trying until I do.

Ugh! He told me what he wanted and I didn't live up to his expectations. I ruined it for him. 

Guilt is defined as a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation. It's got to be one of the worse feelings out there.

A week later, I still have huge black and blue marks on my ass. I've never seen anything like it. He stepped it up but I did not rise to the challenge. I know my actions did not make me worthy to submit to him. Not this time. 

Fortunately, I don't accept defeat when it comes to something as important as submission. I am one stubborn bitch when I put my mind to something!

My latest failure just fuels my desire to do better. I refuse to accept mediocrity like I did that night. I can't change how much a disappointed him and ruined this particular experience but I am hopeful that he will gives me another chance so I can show him that I have learned my lesson.

I will figure this out! I have to...