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Thursday, August 28, 2014

Late post

I forgot to post to my blog yesterday. I thought about it several times over the last couple days but in the end I forgot.

I have no excuse. No explanation. It hit me today that I completely spaced it out. The realization shot through me like lightening. I hate disappointing him. More than anyone in the world.

I didn't mention it to Sir when I realized it and I didn't mention it to him when I saw him this evening. I feel like I fucked up so much in the last couple months and I didn't want to ruin our time together. This was also not right. He is the one who brought it up. I feel terrible about it. I could go through the all the excuses about why but none of that matters. I was required to do it and I didn't. End of story. 

There will be consequences and I will gladly accept my punishment.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Contentment is a matter of where I focus my attention

Life is awesome. So many things to do, people to meet and places to go. The possibilities are endless really.

Unfortunately, it is also busy, mundane, full of responsibilities and aggravations all which can lead to a big giant bag of stress.

I know Sir has had some stress and annoyances lately (unfortunately,some of that was caused by me!) and it got me thinking. Submission is not just about obedience and doing what you are told. It is also about serving and bringing pleasure to the the one to whom you submit. By focusing on his needs without letting one's own insecurities and vanity get in the way. 

I have come across some submissive's who seem to focus an awful lot on their own needs, including myself at times. I've been guilty of focusing on how I'm feeling and what am I getting out of this. Of putting my 
wants, physical  and emotional, above his. Basically having the attitude "What have you done for me lately?"

Wow, is that so not submission or what?  

So, what is the result when I have this self centered focus? Two things. First and most importantly it puts added stress on Sir because he needs worry about things he should not have to. When he has to deal with my doubts and varying degrees of tantrums, I'm pretty sure he isn't getting much pleasure.

The second result is that it can make me feel downright miserable! At best it feels wrong, foreign, kind of like wearing clothes that don't fit and at its worst it is beyond distressing. 

This realization recently hit me like a bolt of lightening but it is really quite simple. When I think about what would please Sir and act on those intentions, I feel good. I have a deep sense of satisfaction. It just feels right. When my attention is on me and my various frivolous demands, I don't feel so good.

Before you think I'm some kind of Zen Goddess, that is always at peace and puts others needs above my own, let me tell you that is not the case. In most areas of my life, I don't have a problem doing what I need to do to get my needs met and even fight hard for what I think, right or wrong, that I deserve. Like many people, I spend a fair amount of time thinking about my needs, wants and desires and what I can do to make myself feel good. I think that is fairly normal.

It's different with Sir though. When I focus on what he wants and what would bring him pleasure, it makes me incredibly happy and content. I feel like I literally beam when he tells me I have pleased him.

While some may take advantage of that, Sir does not. He shows me respect and appreciation in return and feels good when he makes me happy as well. I know not every submissive gets that and I realize how lucky I am to have found him.

This has really started to sink in over the last week or two and I feel like I am rapidly overcoming a very difficult hurdle in submission. I always knew this in theory but never really put it together with the shift in my mood and sense of contentment. When I focus on pleasing him, I feel good when I focus on my vanity and getting what I can, I don't. 

I want to thank him again and I hope he knows how much I appreciate his patience with me. He inspires me to push through the hard stuff and my perseverance is always rewarded by a sense of  accomplishment and pride.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Six Years

Sunday evening, Sir and I went out for a delicious dinner at Sullivan's Steak House. There were two reasons for this. The first was that I lost a bet about what date Mount St Helens erupted. He said it was May 18th, 1980 but I truly thought it was my birthday, May 17th. Turns out he was right, Damn! I am usually so good with dates! I didn't mind being wrong too terribly though because win or lose, I was going to be able to share a meal with Sir and enjoy his delightful company :)
We decided that August 10th would be an ideal night to go. The reason August 10th was so perfect was because on that day, six years ago, in a dark Bellevue park, Sir and I met each other for the first time. I don't think anyone could have predicted the course of our journey and in my wildest dreams, I never imagined it would take the twists and turns that it did.
He loves a good steak and since I want only the very best for him, I researched where to find an award winning steak in Seattle. This city is flush with outstanding restaurants but after talking with several people and reading reviews, I finally settled on Sullivan's.
Unfortunately, there was some stress earlier in the day but by the time we got in his beautiful, brand new car and drove to the restaurant, we were both in much better moods. Sir told the server it was our six year anniversary and they took a photo of us and put it in a card signed by the staff. It was a very nice touch.
It was so rewarding to celebrate this six year anniversary or what Sir with his wry sense of humor, calls  our non-anniversary or affairversary. I feel so lucky that our path's crossed. There has been no one I have been able to be so honest and vulnerable with and I believe he feels the same. It makes me feel so good that he knows he can share an idea or fantasy with me and that I will do what it takes to make it come true.
I also wanted him to know how much I appreciate how patient he has been with me. I have struggled A LOT this summer with various things and while he always holds me accountable, he also reassures me and helps me understand how I may better handle issues in the future. He inspires me to be not just a better submissive but a better person in general. We have worked together to strengthen my submission to him and have been rewarded with amazing success. 

One of the best compliments he ever gave me was that he expects more from me than anyone else. That statement fills me with enormous pride and has helped me push through some very difficult times. I will do what ever I must to make sure that doesn't change.
There were times that I worried I couldn't accomplish what he wanted but without many words, he reassured me and motivated me to push past what I thought I could do. He continuously inspired me and his faith in my abilities made it possible for me to accomplish what I once thought impossible. I have experienced things I never thought I would and when I conquered something, I came out a stronger and richer human being. He reinforced how rewarding perseverance, strength and devotion to something outside of myself can be. 
As someone who has always had trouble being vulnerable and sharing my emotions, he created a safe environment where I could be myself. He taught me it's ok to cry in front of someone and the cathartic power of sharing my tears. I have learned to open up and expose myself in ways I never knew I could.
Because of him, I have learned to disregard the societal norms that never really worked for me and instead to embrace my nonconventional desires. Through his example, I slowly learned to enjoy the moment. To not ruin the present by worrying about the past or what may or many not happen in the future. Although, I still struggle  with this sometimes, it is happening less and less. By making this attitude my own, I've seen a powerful change in the quality of my life. 
I could go on for pages about all the wonderful things about him and the joy of having him in my life but it comes down to wanting to say this:
Thank you Sir for being you. You  make the world a better place and I am a better person by having known you. You have had an enormous positive impact on my life and no matter what the future may hold, my respect, admiration and gratitude for you will never change. You are cherished.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Just what I needed

It's been a long couple weeks for both Sir and I for various reasons. Some because of miscommunication on my part regarding our d/a relationship but mostly stress due to unrelated trials and tribulations. 

I personally have been stressed, overworked, and tired of keeping so many of the areas of my life running smoothly in crisis.

I was exhausted by having to be in control at work, at home and now that I think about it, everywhere. On top of that there were so many changes happening and none of them I had asked for or particularly wanted.

So, when Sir texted me last Friday and told me to come over to serve him, a huge wave of euphoria and relief swept over me. I said I would be over within our two hour agreed upon response time. 

He told me I was not say a word unless asked a direct question. This only raised my excitement level up another notch.

I quickly jumped in the shower and got over there as fast as I could getting hornier by the second as the weight of real life pressures rapidly melted away.

He told me to bring my nipple clamps and come in which being the obedient little bitch I am is exactly what I did.

What came next was the most amazing and cathartic hour I can remember. The pain was beautiful and immediately morphed into that unique concoction of pleasure. I had what seemed like endless orgasms that came without effort as soon as he said the word.

The scent of his velvet skin was  intoxicating and it was all I could do to stay grounded in reality, I felt, I listened and responded, I obeyed every command as if on auto pilot.

it was pure Utopia. 

Afterwards, I got up, slipped on my dress and walked out into the night. 

I don't remember the drive home or even falling asleep. I do remember waking up sometime during the night wondering if it was real or just a dream. One touch of my battered nipples and pussy made it obvious that what had happened was indeed very real.

I turned over with a big smile on my face and drifted off to sleep
wondering how I ever got so lucky to find such an amazing, magical man as Sir. 

What a lucky bitch am I...

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

My recent struggle with submission and my quest to be a great lover with women.

No one ever said life as a submissive was an easy one. Most of the time submission to Sir comes so naturally to me. I want it. I crave it. I live it. I like to think I'm quite proficient with all things submissive but recently I have had some big hurdles to overcome.

I won't go into the details but recently when Sir and I were spending time with a new friend Angela, I behaved in a very unsubmissive way. In fact, my behavior was downright disrespectful to him. The short story is that there was some miscommunication and instead of talking about it in a calm, rational manner and remembering how Sir has never done anything to cause me genuine harm (only the good kind!), I threw a hissy fit. Not my finest moment
I have never been this disrespectful to him before and while I realized my mistake immediately and came back to my submissive state shortly afterwards, the damage was done. I was absolutely horrified.

I've had a lot of extra stress in my life outside of my submission lately. I am usually pretty good at compartmentalizing things and I don't like anything ruining my precious time with Sir. Lately, it has been a lot harder than usual to separate and leave my worries behind but I didn't think it was noticeable to anyone but me. I was wrong about that. Sir is an observant man and he knew I wasn't as carefree and focused as I usually am.

I won't go into the ugly details of my transgression but it was very bad and I've been in various stages of distress since. It's been almost 2 weeks and things still don't feel quite right. I would do anything to take it back but that isn't going to happen. It is going to take time to build back the faith he lost in me.

Even now, almost two weeks later, I can feel some lingering disappointment hanging over us like a black cloud. I hate it! I want him to see me like he did. I want to once again walk around in my usual spunky, horny and sexually charged state. Happy knowing he is proud of me and my dedication to submission. He said there will be a punishment which will be both emotionally and physically taxing on me. While this brings me some anxiety, I cannot wait to pay for the consequences of my actions. My hope is that it will finally end this dark chapter in our journey.

Sir had been quiet and hadn't asked me to do much of anything since this incident. He said he had never been so disappointed or furious with me before but assured me we were not over. I don't think I have never been so relieved to hear anything in my life! I appreciate him so much that words can't even begin to describe the deep respect and admiration I have for him.

As a true submissive, I love to serve him. There is nothing I have ever refused him so you can imagine how happy I was when he asked me to send photo's of outfits so he could choose one yesterday. I even got to go without panties! This instantly lifted my spirits and I found my happy horny self slowly begin to re-emerge. I knew I hadn't fully redeemed myself but I felt that this was progress. I even found myself actually contemplating asking permission to cum. I had only asked once in almost 2 weeks. I have NEVER gone that long! While my body still got physically aroused and was craving it, as soon as I thought about asking, it just didn't feel right. I didn't deserve orgasms.

Yesterday he texted me that I should work on pleasing the woman more when we are all together. He said I focus on him and don't do much with her. I didn't notice it while we were together but thinking back on it now, he is 100% correct.

My attraction to him is so strong. So strong, that I often have a hard time seeing anything else. It is like having a Kobe steak along with a side dish of Ramon noodles. Of course, I am going to want to devour the steak. Maybe I'll have a couple of bites of the noodles just to say I had some but I really just want to get back to that steak.

He said I need to work on at least appearing to be interested in the woman. It's not that I don't like them or find them unattractive. In fact, quite the opposite. Both recent woman are sexy, sweet and interesting but still every fiber of my being wants to fuck him! However, I understand what he is saying and while it will take some effort, I will get this down for him. I am so happy to be able to serve and please him again that there is no way I will mess this up.

I started thinking about how to best please a woman and make her feel special and adored. You would think that being a woman I would get it but it's tricky. Women all seem so different. I knew it would  take some specific tailoring depending on who it was but I eagerly set out to find the ultimate way to please a member of the fairer sex.

Here are some of the things I found that will be very helpful to remember.

Make her feel good- One of the best ways to please a woman is to make her feel good in your company. Help her with her problems and learn to comfort her when she is depressed or in a bad mood. The better she feels around you the more pleased she will be. I think I am already good at this but it is good to remember.

Compliment wisely- Another good way too make a woman feel good about herself is to compliment her when you feel she truly deserves it. Women are quick to pick up on fake compliments and would know when you are saying it just to make them feel good, so be sincere. I think I am good at seeing the good in people and already do this as well.

Don't start in the bedroom - Do little things to let her know you are thinking about her. Text sexual innuendos and tell her how sexy she is and all the things you want to do to her when you get together. Sir is an expert at this one. By the time I see him I can orgasm just by looking at him!

Those are excellent things to keep the energy going until you see he next. Now the time comes when you are lying in bed. This where it starts to get hard.

Relax her - It's  hard for women to orgasm or enjoy herself if she is stressed. Start with a massage. Then after she is relaxed keep touching her lightly all over, Her arms, legs, breasts, lips. Trace lightly and don't stop. This will hopefully turn her into putty just waiting to be molded in to pleasure,

Ignore the vagina - at first. Prolonged foreplay actually increases the chances of her cuming? Try kissing, caressing and touching her LONGER, you'll build the sexual tension and often the anticipation will be very powerful.

I learned the is such a thing as too much clitoris. I guess that once you have stimulated the clitoris for some time, a little thing called the clitoral hood will actually come out and cover the clitoris to protect it from further direct stimulation. I had no idea. So once the clitoris is fully stimulated, make sure you go on to pleasure the G-spot next, whether it be with your hand, tongue or a penis.
I still don't really understand what is the big deal with this G-spot is but it seems important to stimulate it to get a woman to cum. It kind of feels like the roof of your mouth and is located about 2 inches inside the vagina on the top side. (On the underside of her stomach.) The predominant way to pleasure the G-spot is by doing a "come here" motion with your fingers. I actually just recently learned this from both Angela and A. They both need this done to reach an orgasm. I personally don't like it and find it almost painful but knowing they need this, I now know exactly where to focus my attention.

So these are just some of the basic strategies I will apply the next time Sir and I share a woman. I am going to keep reading and studying until l make pleasing a woman second nature. 

I can't wait to show Sir how far I've come and how seriously I take his wants and desires.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Perception is not Reality

A few days ago, I was talking with a submissive friend about some struggles I have experienced lately, Struggles that seem to come to life only in my own head. Namely, how I have been reacting negatively to things that didn't even happen. Seeing the worst possible scenario instead of the best or even neutral. Putting undue strain on my relationship with Sir and generally making me miserable, What was her answer to this? She said not to be too hard on myself because after all,  "Perception is Reality" and that should justify my bad behavior..

I think that is bullshit, I think it is nothing but an excuse for bad behavior.

Perception is NOT Reality and faulty Perceptions Create a World of Lies.

This overused phrase, "Perception is reality" is a blatant lie. The way we see ourselves, our bodies, situations, and the world around us is skewed by our own biases and insecurities. The way we view life is simply not real. It doesn't accurately reflect what is. Instead, it is past experiences, personal insecurities, and previously formed opinions and beliefs that heavily impact how we see the world while altering our ability to clearly see what is true. It makes me think of this quote from C.S. Lewis.

“What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.”

Two different people who hear the same statement or witness one event can easily step away and reflect two completely different views. No two people will perceive something identically which is often the cause for many disagreements.

Our personal perceptions mostly cause us to be more judgmental of ourselves than anyone else. Whether it's about our appearance, our intellect or our strength in submission, we are our worst critics and consequently our own worst enemies as well. 

It would serve us all well to keep in mind what Lewis is saying in his quote. The way we see ourselves and the world is directly effected by where we are in our lives, past experiences, and inborn insecurities or biases. Life would be easier and I am thinking that we would be much happier if we remembered that most of what we believe we see and hear is simply not reality.

I will allow that disagreeing with the concept of "perception is reality" may have some negative results like constantly second guessing ourselves or perhaps even thinking we're going crazy part of the time but it is the truth. None of us are able to absorb anything exactly as it is because our perceptions alter it as soon as it enters our brain. Knowing this can maybe help us to not be so hard on ourselves and others around us.

I don't have any answers to solve all the chaos this creates but it makes me feel better just to be aware that it exists. I am very thankful that Sir is so patient with me and makes it safe for me to fumble and recover but I hate disappointing him. I hope he knows I will never stop striving to be a more evolved submissive and person in general.

Friday, July 11, 2014

An Orgasm Interupted

 I have been lying here in a daze for the last 20 minutes. My submission to Sir has reached yet another new level or maybe it just needed this opportunity to show me just how deep it has become. Either way, it was one of the most amazing things that ever happened with my body.

The day started with Sir choosing my outfit and telling me not to wear panties. The scene was set to star one horny bitch! 

Later that afternoon, we discussed plans and we were both a little frustrated by the circumstances preventing us having alone time. When balancing work, family, friends and other women, our connection may not take priority. It's always there and always important but when time is scarce, we need to work on things that could disappear without out attention. I understand that but wanted to make sure we never lose that. 

He takes concerns I have seriously and talks calmly and respectfully to me about them no matter how ridiculous or trivial they may seem. I can honestly say I always feel better after talking with him. He has a very reassuring manner in times of emotional upheaval and of the many things I appreciate about him, this is one of the biggest. 

When he understands me in that way that only he can, my submission grows and I get hornier. So, that evening, it's safe to say, my pussy was clenched and aching!

We didn't get too far in figuring out how we were going to fit in alone time. Both of us had pressing things to deal with throughout the weekend and Sunday we were going to spend some time with A who definitely needed some TLC.  

When I got finally got home about 8:30, my pussy was tight, wet and aching. I could not stop thinking about him controlling me. His strong grip, his firm, commanding voice turning me into putty in his hands and most of all, his huge 8 inch cock ramming me and bringing more orgasms than I can count.

Finally, when I couldn't take much more, I texted him saying I was frustrated and of I could please have permission to cum. 

He wanted to know if so was frustrated with him which I was not. I was frustrated with the roadblocks postponing this  deeply ingrained need to serve him. That along with my brain and pussy pressuring me for a release, I was in a bad way.

He said I may have 5 orgasms in the next 30 minutes. Pleasure flooded my body instantly and I set the alarm for 30 minutes in the future. 

The first one came instantly almost spontaneously. I could feel the oxytocin flood my body and I sense of peace came over me.  I started thinking about focusing on threesome when a text I received a text from A. She seemed to think just she and Sir were going to meet on Sunday and that she hoped her and I get together soon. I was confused and a little thrown off and we texted back and forth a few times. 

I looked at the clock and saw that I just wasted over 10 minutes of my orgasm time. I asked myself what the fuck was I doing wasting this very generous opportunity from Sir and immediately got my head back in submission mode.

I had my second one and then brought out the porn. I know exactly what to watch to make me cum quickly. It did not disappoint and I soon had two more.

As I lay there looking for a new clip, I glanced at the clock. 3 minutes left! I started to panic and clicked on a spanking tube video with a cute young blonde girl who broke a rule and was going to be punished with several implements. I forwarded through talking and several other scenes looking for the good stuff. Finally, I got to the part where she was over his knee and between blows on her cute red ass and her cries, he rubbed her wet pussy while she moaned. That did it! I could feel the orgasm rise and a split second later, the alarm went off.

Immediately, it just stopped. It didn't slow down. It stopped completely. My pussy was completely relaxed. Not a trace of the intense spasm that was taking of just a millisecond before.

I sat up. I couldn't  comprehend what just happened. How could an orgasm just disappear once it started? I would like to take credit for stopping it because I am so obedient to Sir but I can't. It happened so quickly that I didn't even have time to makes that choice. 

I know my submission is deep but I had no idea it was this deeply ingrained. It's so amazing what the mind and body can do when you are dedicated to a goal and preserve even when things get difficult.