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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

An awesome evening serving him

Life has been particularly time consuming and difficult lately especially for Sir. He has had a lot of stress and emotionally taxing situations going on. Because of the strength of my submission to him and the importance of his needs and well being to me, this makes me very sad. My brain is so wired to wanting his pleasure that when he is feeling bad, it is upsetting. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to help directly with his current issues but I can help by being a well behaved, low maintenance little bitch and that is exactly what I intend to do!

I invited him for dinner last night. I absolutely LOVE to serve him! It is so rewarding for me and it brings me so much pleasure to please him. We had such a nice time. It was hot, passionate, fun, relaxing, amusing, cathartic and many other epic emotions. It felt so good to reconnect. When I first let him at the door, I swear I felt my pussy just explode in delight! His smell seemed more intoxicating than ever. It never fails to make me swoon. I don't think I've ever "swooned" like that over anyone before but it's the one reoccurring word that comes to mind when I think about the effect of his natural scent. It's evokes this primal and animalistic reaction in me.

When we got upstairs, I continued    preparing dinner but that lasted all of 2 minutes before he summoned me over to him. It you had connected me to a voltage meter, I'm sure I would have blown the thing up! I was so fucking turned on!

I started to say how it had been so long and for this reason, he should give me a bunch of orgasms. As soon as it was out of my mouth, I realized that being demanding probably wasn't the right thing to do. He wan't happy about my presumptuous attitude and went on to tell me exactly how it was going to be. I quickly changed my mindset back to that of focusing on his pleasure. Only then did I truly feel at peace and back in the place where both he and I desire me to be.

I continue to be fascinated by this deep need to submit to him and only him. When he is in control and uses me exactly how he wants to, I feel a high like none I've ever known. Intellectually, this is very odd to me but it is who I am and what I desperately need. It is also interesting that as much as submission has become part of me, the thought of anyone else trying to dominate me is laughable at best and downright creepy at worst. It's a role that can be filled by only him. Something I accept but am also terrified by. To know he has that power of me is frightening yet magical. Life would have less meaning without it.

He was rough and dominating and fucked me hard. He told me exactly what was expected of me. I told him I understand and would be the obedient submissive bitch he needs. It felt so good and I loved how he was so tough on me. It was exactly what we both needed.  Despite my little slip in desperation earlier, he gave me many orgasms but only after warning me that I was never to demand or even suggest that he owes me orgasms or anything else for that matter. If I did, he would fuck me without letting me cum. Something that not once in six years has ever happened. I got the message loud and clear and trust me, that is a record I definitely don't want to break!

Afterwards, we both feel asleep for probably 5 or 10 minutes which doesn't happen all that often. At that moment, every fiber of my being was satisfied.

When we finally got up, dinner had cooled down but fortunately it was still salvageable. We went on to have great conversation during dinner. I love when he shares his unique perspective on things. He is funny, direct, charismatic and has this quirky, dominant personality that I find so appealing. He is who he is and makes no apologies about it. I do very well with his personality type and find it far more interesting than phony or passive types. I may not always like what he says but I almost always understand it. We work very well together and he is good for me. Not always easy, but definitely good :)


Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Such a Horny Bitch

have been terribly horny lately. Since I met Sir over 6 years ago, my sex drive  has been higher than average but in the last week it has risen to dangerous levels.

It's always starts out physical. A gnawing tightness in the muscles of my pussy causing me to flex my kegel muscles. Most times I don't even realize I am clenching but the moment I do, that's when the tingling starts, which in turn fires up my vivid imagination. 
 
This has been happening all day, everyday. It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing, I'm aroused.  

As if that wasn't intense enough, it literally explodes when I hear or see something sexual! At this point, I start to get antsy, uncomfortable and feel the need to move. I'm pretty sure this isn't normal but its become absolutely normal for me.
 
I have a few theories as to why I'm hornier than usual although I am not 100% sure. My life is finally back to a calmer, more stable state after months of upheaval. Maybe because I have less stress and distractions, my body wants to take advantage of this and take on more. 
 
My second theory is that I'm so horny because I haven't been able to fuck Sir in 3 weeks! That's an eternity to my pussy! It's no wonder I'm half crazy :)

Unfortunately, life circumstances have been making this near impossible for both of us. I really hope that changes soon!

He has been so patient with my multiple requests for orgasms as well as being very generous about giving me permission. I have been asking a lot  more than I usually do although I feel that it is only a fraction of what I want to ask for. Such a horny bitch.
 
Despite how crazy it makes me to be this horny all the time, I must say I get so much satisfaction knowing that this is under his control. I love that he finds pleasure in my suffering. Although, when he tells me how much it pleases him to know my cravings are so strong, it just makes me hornier!
 
I don't mean to make it seem like I'm complaining, ungrateful or that it is even wholly a bad thing. It definitely has some benefits. Suffering and sacrifice are an important element of my submission. I feel such a sense of peace when he has me wait and trusting he knows exactly what is best for me. It makes me feel incredibly content and submissive.

Hopefully, our dry spell is over soon and I don't drive him crazy in the mean time with all my orgasm requests. 

Until then, I will wait submissively in this state of elevated arousal knowing that in good time, I'll once again know that amazing experience that words can't describe and is second to no other. 

Thank you Sir for being so patient and generous with your submissive bitch. I trust in you completely and will wait patiently to please you.




 
 
 

Friday, October 10, 2014

Feeling inspired!

The After a very long stressful week I had the much needed pleasure of meeting Sir for a drink after work. We met at The Islander in Mercer Island which is a pretty awesome place. He had me wear my blue dress with no bra or panties and by 5:45pm, I was a horny mess! As usual, when he walked in, he took my breath away and made my pussy come alive.

 

We had a nice time catching up about what was going on in our lives and then the conversation turned to how things were going when it came to the D/S aspect of our relationship. There were several things I have done in the last 6 months that resulted in consequences that I do not like but I know I only have myself to blame. Facing the fact I lost my composure and it was going to cost me brought on a feeling of hopelessness. This distressed me at first. A lot. But as I began processing what he was saying, I felt this strange, unfamiliar sense of peace come over me. Soon I began to feel strong and a deep fulfillment because I realized I just got a peek at a new level of submission. No, I didn’t get my own way but instead of moping about it and letting take on a life of its own, I chose to see it as a learning experience and a successful test of my boundaries.  

 

My only lingering concern while not nearly as strong as in was at first, is about not being challenged or becoming stagnate in my submission. Together we have come so far and I have experienced and conquered things I never dreamed possible. I feel an overwhelming anxiety when I think about losing that momentum but I trust him when he says there are many ways to foster growth and that it doesn't have to happen. Together we won’t let that happen.

 

I think what ultimately brought me to the feeling of peace is realizing that part of being a true submissive is accepting his decisions. Now, I know it sounds bad to blindly accept someone's decision but he is not just anyone and what we have is far from ordinary. I trust him in a way I have never trusted anyone and I know he cares deeply about me. He truly wants good things for me and it hurts him to see me in pain. Well, at least damaging, emotional pain :)

 

Despite, my worries about my growth being stunted, I woke up today feeling that my submission actually expanded. It was challenged and instead of shutting down or becoming upset or angry, I was  able to overcome my anxiety and insecurity to understand the bigger picture and the reasons behind his decision. My goal is to enrich his life not bring him the stress or misery which this thing has the potential to do. I realized that if it has that kind of destructive potential, I shouldn't want any part of it. Maybe someday he will feel I can handle it, but until then, I will respect his decision. I've experienced what it feels like to disappoint him and the word "traumatizing" comes to mind. I have made a commitment to myself to do everything in my power not to disappoint him or cause him undue stress and that is a commitment I intend to keep. 

 

It makes me feel so good about myself that I was able to pull it together and turn our discussion into something that in the end, strengthened my submission. It reminded me how I am strong, determined and will work tirelessly for a cause that is important to me. I eagerly do this despite obstacles that would  deter the average person because it means that much to me. 

 

I admit that for the first few minutes we talked about it, I did feel myself start to spiral into that horrible, scary place I hate to go. That ugly, dark place that tells me if I was just prettier, smarter, more interesting, a better person, etc. that these things would not be happening. I even felt myself start to shut down so I wouldn't have to feel the pain but to my surprise, these thoughts abruptly stopped. This was without any conscious effort on my part. It's hard to explain as I don’t quite understand it myself but this was definitely not a conscious act. My best guess is that because our bond and the commitment to my submission is so deep, my mind immediately knocked down any thoughts that would threaten that. I am so grateful that happened! I am sure disconnecting and putting up walls would have been a lot easier than letting myself feel discomfort, disappointment and pain but it is an inevitable death sentence with submission. I'll take the pain of growth over the feeling of nothingness any day. Holding back is a sure road to mediocrity and I'll never disrespect what we have by doing that.

 

I love how my submission always wins out in the end and fortunately for me it is happening faster all the time. This gives me less time to get myself into trouble :)

 

It's such a cool phenomenon. It is almost seems as if it has a mind of its own and a wisdom far beyond myself. It knew before I did, that if I start blocking out the hard stuff, that the amazing, life altering stuff would soon disappear as well. That is a horrible tragedy I never want to know. 

 

Sir is such an amazing person with an uncommon wisdom he uses to subtly guide me just far enough to allow me figure it out on my own. He inspires my respect and devotion not by force, anger or guilt but by simply being the unique leader that his is. He makes me want to be a better person.

 

After we talked through everything and were winding down the evening. He told me to cum. I was surprised by this and asked "What?" He said "You heard me." It's amusing how people ask "What?" when they damn well heard what was said. I suppose it buys someone a little time to react. 

 

I got up and went straight to the restroom. Fortunately, no one was in there. I went into the back stall and leaned against the wall and started to rub my pussy with my whole palm and fingers. No penetration. I prefer a friction based orgasm using pressure as opposed to a finger or two. My clitoris is way too sensitive and direct stimulation can be painful. Between my long suffering horniness and my renewed submissive mindset it took maybe all of 45 seconds for me to cum. This just enhanced the lessons of the night. Something I have no doubt he knew it would do.

 

He walked me to my car and as soon as he touched me I turned into a pool of unrestrained molecules bent on one thing. As usual, I couldn't hold back the intense desire to have him devour me, use me and take me as he pleased. Fortunately, he has atleast 1000 times the self control I have or I am sure public indecency would have ensued! 

 

I have been painfully horny ever since. I asked him about having another orgasm. He said I could ask later but the answer would most likely be no AND that that I was to sleep naked! By 10:30pm, I thought I wouldn't be able to stand another second and asked again. 

 

The answer was still no.

 

My gut reaction was to panic but soon this feeling of deep satisfaction knowing that this was bringing him pleasure washed over me. Don't get me wrong, I was still painfully horny and still am as I write this but I have the unwavering motivation to be the good girl he deserves.


Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Why do I need submission and is it good for me?

For me, BDSM is as much about the mind as about the sex. I can't have one without the other.

I've thought a lot about why I crave submission. What makes me need it, why and should I be concerned that something is wrong with me?

One theory about why one may get pleasure from sadomasochistic sex is that some how orgasm gets been paired with a painful experience. I'm not sure exactlyhow this first got paired for me but undoubtedly they are now forever intertwined. The pain actually increases the endorphins released by the brain. This is because the endorphin system is triggered during both orgasm and intense pain.

Another chemical responses involved in bdsm is the neurotransmitter dopamine. It regulates the  reward system in the brain. Like heroin and opiates, bdsm is so addictive because it mimics this endorphin release which makes you want to do it again. This repetition over time leads to increasingly intense cravings. Brain scans of people who identify as submissive or dominate should sharp spikes in adrenaline when exposed to bdsm porn. These same results were shown in brains of drug addicts. It would seem that bdsm can be as addictive as drugs. For me, I have no idea this is true, 

So, I am pretty sure my brain would show all these things when exposed to bdsm porn and even more to thought or direct contact with Sir! But why?

It's hard to say really. Sometimes submission and domination is just in ones blood. You like it because it is who you are and to change it would just bring at the very least, less pleasure and in some cases, absolute misery. It would seem your fetish is part of your who you are whether you got there due to nature or nurture does not matter. It is most likely both anyway.

BDSM was once thought to be a deviant mental disorder but is now viewed as perfectly healthy and even a type of meditation. It alters the flow in the brain which leads to an altered state of consciousness like runner's high or yoga. I knew there was a reason I got so obsessed with yoga :)

Is it a fetish something you can forget about? Maybe but probably not for long. It would be like pretending you are no longer hetero or homosexual. It may be controlled or subdued for a while but it is never erased.

I agree with the idea that bdsm is s mixture of nature and nurture but does this make me some kind of freak? An inferior human being with mental issues?

Well according to many different studies, the answer to that is no. In fact I am not only perfectly normal, I may also be happier and well adjusted than my vanilla friends. 

A recent Australian health study shows that couples who indulge in bdsm activities were actually happier than their non bdsm counterparts.

Another common misconception is that people who enjoy bdsm were abused as children. I never was but some people were. Studies show that both kinky and non kinky people have similar rates of childhood abuse. It doesn't seem to be a factor in determining ones sexual proclivities and is definitely not pathological symptom of past abuse just a kinky sexual interest attractive to about 2% of sexually active people.

Another thing Ive heard is that bdsm participants are emotionally damaged and unable to connect sexually in a normal way. A 2009 study for that CONSENUAL bdsm showed that participants actual report increased bonding and have lower cortisol levels which is a physiological indicator of stress.

The Australian study I mentioned earlier also reported that people who indulge in bdsm are actually happier than those who do not. Perhaps this is being true to yourself and not just being a sheep who follows the herd so they "fit in" as society says they should. 

Another study published in the journal of Sexual medicine found that people who practice  BDSM tend to be psychologically healthier and scored higher on certain important  indicators of mental health including:

- degree of neurosis
- security in relationships
- over all well being
- levels of extroversion
- openess to new experiences

The one thing they scored lower on is rejection sensitivity (which is a measure of how paranoid people are about others not liking them) 

We aren't sure exactly why BDSM practitioners seem to be psychologically healthier than the general public. Maybe because they are more in tune of their sexual needs which could translate to less sexual frustration. Another theory is that it takes a lot of psychological work to come to terms  with one's unusual sexual inclinations and this could translate to more positive mental health.

I was happy to find that nearly all the studies on the mental health of bdsm participants are positive or at the very least, are not negative.

It's good to know I'm not a total freak of nature :)

For once in my life, I am completely at peace with my sexuality. It is a integral part of who I am and I can't imagine ever living a satisfied life without it.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

A crazy week

I've been thinking about the intangible connection you have to someone you have a special bond with. My father passed away a few days ago and the 12 hours beforehand were a nightmare for me. I was completely distraught about everything in my life. I couldn't stop thinking of all the things that were wrong both real and imagined in nearly every aspect of my life. 
 
I kept thinking a lot about my Dad during that time. Things I hadn't thought about in years. Like the time he built us a tree house or stayed up all night assembling bikes so they were under the tree when we woke up Christmas morning. I wondered if the reason I was thinking so much about him was because I knew he was dying. I later realized that I looked at the clock and thought about him at the exact time that he passed away.
 
He was a very kind and intelligent man who earned his degree in Engineering from Lehigh University. He and my mother were married for 34 years until her death in 2000. They were always very respectful of each other and that is something very important to me to model in my own life. I don't always succeed but it will always be a life time goal for me.
 
While he was a great man he wasn't perfect. He was very quiet and hard to get to know. He was always there physically but at time it was hard to connect on a deep emotional level. I never thought about it when I was younger. It was just the way he was. I know now this has made deep intimacy somewhat uncomfortable for me but if that was the worse thing that he did, I consider myself pretty lucky. Now that I am aware of why it makes me uncomfortable it helps when I struggle. Being conscious of it has also pushed me to look for  ways to be more open and vulnerable. Submission is the main place where I have done this. While it is terrifying to be vulnerable sometimes, the openness and release I have found by letting go of my walls has been life changing.
 
I don't think I would have ever been inspired to do this if I hadn't met Sir. He makes me feel safe and has a very calming effect on me when I'm upset. I've not come across someone who can make me feel better as quickly as he can. I should note that the calming effect does not apply to my sexuality. In fact it is the polar opposite! Just thinking about him turns me into a ball of sexual energy. You would think that after six years, the sexual chemistry would mellow out a bit but not with him! In fact, it is quite the opposite. Just when I can't even fathom it getting better, it does. I am one lucky bitch :)
 
We have been wanting to have someone video one of our sexual encounters along with full fledged domination. I have enlisted a friend who is very open and kinky herself to do that. At first I worried that maybe I would feel self conscious or shy while she was there but I soon realized that wouldn't happen! When he is touching and dominating me everything else becomes a blur then ceases to exist.  It's so hot! I am so excited to have our own "show" to be able to watch at a later time. Although, I know damn well I could never watch unless I had permission to cum :)
 
Despite the upheaval of the week, it has been very important to me to keep my obligations to Sir. I went to one yoga class last night and got up and went again at 6am since I know I will be out of town until Sunday. I am also writing my required blog post. This consistency and routine gives me a sense of stability that a lack anywhere else in my life.
 
 

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Feeling insecure

Ugh! I hate feeling this way! I can't shake this demoralizing feeling. I feel insecure, boring, insignificant, talentless, average and second best to name a few.

I just can't shake the feeling that he values his other partner more than me. She is younger, an artist and it would seem, way more appealing than I am. 

He has only known her 5 or so months yet he pushes her for more even when she runs away, introduces her to his friends and family and from what I can tell, spends more time with her. I wish I could be happy for him but I can't seem to get this fucking compersion concept down! I'm jealous God dammit!

He says it is not so and that he doesn't value her more than me but if that is really true, why can't I shake this feeling? Is my intuition really that far off? I hate to bug him again with my insecurities. He is really good about listening and reassuring me but I hate being so needy and whiny! I feel like that it will eventually turn him off. I thought if maybe if I just wrote about it I would feel better. 

I don't always feel this way and I know it won't last. It is just the last day or so I've been slipping into this funk. I feel so in the dark and wish I had more information. I'm frustrated and sad and definitely not living in the moment like I've been working very hard to do! 

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Respect

Recently, I was thinking about some of the ways that embracing my submission has made me a better woman. Not only am I happier and more content, it also forces me to carefully examine my thoughts, feeling and actions on a regular basis. Something that is always a healthy and productive thing. Most of the time I have no idea what the future holds but one of the greatest gifts finding this passion has given me is the ability to just let go and be.

  

I am all for feminism and strong, capable women. I believe every woman should be self sufficient, responsible for herself and have the ability to find her own way through life. There is no greater time in history to be a woman and the opportunities are endless. The only limitations are the ones put on her by herself. In summary, woman are awesome. 

 

That being said, I've noticed an increasingly disturbing trend that does not put women in the best light and it is something that must change. That is male bashing.

 

Somehow it has become acceptable in society to ridicule, belittle and put down men. This phenomenon has been creeping in slowly over the last couple decades and many times, I've seen how it ruin relationships and emasculate men.

 

It seems to run rampant in marriages and relationships these days and I see it all the time. Wives emasculating the very man they are supposed to love and conquer life with. There is clear there is an epidemic of disrespect of men, husbands and fathers.

 

Sometimes it is blatant and said with obvious disdain but more often it is said in a “joking” manner complete with sighs and eye rolls.

 

I find this very disturbing and not very funny at all.

 

It has even trickled down into the interactions between kids. I can't count how many times I've seen little girls with shirts that say such things as "Girls rule, boys drool", "Girl Power" or the most egregious of them all "Boys are stupid"! I did a double take the first time I saw that one. A major manufacturer really thought it was a good idea to put that on a shirt? Unbelievable. I can only imagination how little boys feel when he sees this shirt. The message that is slowly being indoctrinated is that males may be slower and stupider but will all be ok because fortunately there are women around to guide you, show you the error of your ways and fix your fuck ups.


So here these boys are being given messages that they aren't as good as girls and that they shouldn't trust their own judgment. Then we have the nerve to expect them to grow up into strong and respectable men who know how to treat women like gentlemen. How are they able to grow up to be strong capable men when they see so much male bashing going on in commercials, tv shows (think Kind of Queens and Something about Jim) and even in their own homes.

 

It’s not just words either. There is the passive aggressive behavior, withholding affection and sex, eye rolling and body language.

 

The ironic part of it is that women belittle men and then wonder why they can't find the strong dominant man that they crave. I saw the quote below and while I am not a religious woman, it really resonated with me.

 

“If you’ve spent any time around horses, you know a stallion can be a major problem. They’re strong, very strong, and they’ve got a mind of their own. Stallions typically don’t like to be bridled, and they can get downright aggressive—especially if there are mares around. A stallion is hard to tame. If you want a safer, quieter animal, there’s an easy solution: castrate him. A gelding is much more compliant. You can lead him around by the nose; he’ll do what he’s told without putting up a fuss. There’s only one problem: Geldings don’t give life. They can’t come through for you the way a stallion can. A stallion is dangerous all right, but if you want the life he offers, you have to have the danger too. They go together.”   —John Eldredge, Wild at Heart

 

That sums it up exactly.  Why are so many women slowly castrating men and then bitching and complaining that they aren't a stallion?

 

I know for most of history women have been put down, taken for granted and abused. I know that it still happens and it is horrible and 100% unacceptable but does that mean we have to swing the pendulum so far the other way? 


If someone doesn't respect you, you should walk away. That goes for both sexes who find themselves victims of a partner that belittles, manipulates or indulges in other hurtful behavior.

 

While I am not a man basher or hater of all things masculine, I have been known to make sexist, prejudicial remarks and showing irritation when men are being men. I never noticed it before Sir and I began exploring Dominance and Submission. It has made me very conscious of respect. I could never ridicule, put down or disrespect him without it causing me great distress. Nothing could ever make me withhold sex either! The thought of that is insane to me. It's laughable to think about ever denying him anything much less sex!


 I love to read blogs about submissive  women and am so inspired by the deep level of commitment and respect some have for their Dom. To me it is the ultimate act of submission. 


While this post addresses wonens respect towards men it of course this goes both ways. No woman should ever blindly give herself to a man who does not respect her in return.


I am so fortunate to have found Sir. He treats me with the upmost respect and is always careful and considerate with my feeling while still giving me the pain and humiliation I need. This couldn't work for me otherwise. It's a rare man that can successfully balance domination and respect. I know I am so fortunate to have someone who does it so easily.


My hope is that everyone, men, women and children can someday live with peace and respect.