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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

A great night

I must say that Sir and I had a really great  evening tonight. I always enjoy being with him but I especially enjoyed it tonight.  I feel like we really were able to communicate effectively.

We talked about what is going on in our lives as well as our situation. It comes down to that we are both doing what we feel like we need to be. I As usual, he was candid and matter of fact. I know he doesn't like disappointing or causing me pain but knows he can be honest with me or at least I hope he does. I wouldn't want it any other way.

We talked about why we are who we are and why we are ok with that despite it not being the normal or easy. It also realizef that we are a lot more alike than I  thought yet also oddly complementary.

While things have been difficult, I told him that it doesn't change anything for me. I still want to do the things I commited to. I will continue to do them because I want to and it's important to me. It's my choice and it feels right to me at this moment in time. 

I understand that life can ebb and flow and I get so much satisfaction knowing that I can rise to the challenge of whatever may come, good or bad. 

Right now, at this very moment, I am happy and feel good about how things are. It's just another twist in our unique journey.


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Finding Peace

I am not a religious person, especially when it comes to organized religion but I go through phases of being somewhat spiritual. Recently, I've been trying to get back to that.

The last 6 months were tough being fraught with death, loss and unwanted change. Unhappiness, suspicion and irritability became my go to emotions. I wasn't always a very nice person and could even be downright mean. Sir, who has been dealing with struggles of his own, was getting exasperated with me and I seriously feared my intense need to control would drive him away. I got caught up in trauma and petty arguments. This was not normal for me and I didn't want it to be! I was pretty miserable. 

I guess I just got tired of being angry, resentful and worrying about things I had no control over. Something had to change. I started to read everything I could about finding a happier life for myself and learning how to let go of the outcome. It would be hard but living how I had been would be way worse.

As I started my quest for contentment one word kept coming into my mind. Peace. If I could figure "peace" out maybe I could be the happier, kinder, gentler person I want to be.

Peace is what? What is Peace? What Peace Is..

1. Peace is actively accepting what is happening. No comparing. No judging. No fixing. No living for the future or grasping for a different reality in a way that brings undue or unwise strain to your person…Because you are not any of these things.

2. Peace is an act of solidarity with oneself and with all beings and matter. I am not my thoughts or my circumstances, but I am part of all that is. Space and things and thoughts, all of these relate to each other as distinct realities but not separate ones. When I breathe air from the space around me and take it in, something is shared with me and I share something with it. WE are a collective harmony that sometimes is experienced as disharmony, and sometimes not, but we are a true tapestry. It is great gift to intentionally submit to this unity and mutuality, to be aware of it and to embrace it consciously. There is wisdom that flows from this intentionality and its fruit is peace.

3. Peace is more than acceptance and solidarity though. Peace is loving kindness for all beings and for all things FOR their distinctness and FOR their togetherness. True humanity is innately loving and can be found in this level of consciousness and skill alone. Until I can love all things for their freedom to be unique and for their ‘lack of freedom’ in their connectedness, I am always reacting out of something other than my true, highest nature, which is loving kindness. 

All that is not peace in me comes from living down to a lower impulse and it is this lower impulse-fear, hate, anxiety, too much of a good thing- that promotes fracturedness and uneasiness. Loving kindness brings me into harmony with my true self, with who I am and peace is the sign that love has made its home in me where it is destined to flower and grow. Where there is love, I am being my true, distinct self as part of the larger connectedness I share with all beings and all things. 

I'm not sure how much of that makes sense but it made sense to me as I was writing it. I would love to say that I've become this totally zen being who always sees the glass as half full but that wouldn't be true. I still struggle every day. Despite that, I'm starting to learn to chill out a bit. To think before I overreact or become defensive. I'm learning to forgive my mistakes and shortcomings. While I regret any pain they caused anyone else, I don't regret the pain they caused me. All of it made me who I am and led me to where I am today.  

And at for this exact moment in time, where I am is not a bad place to be. 


Wednesday, December 3, 2014

The Joys of Self Exploration

Self-Play, or masturbation as it is also commonly called, is an avenue for self-discovery, self-pleasuring, experimentation, learning, and even acting out fantasies for your partner. It is the safest form of sex. It is also the least expensive (you don’t necessarily have to take yourself out on a “date” beforehand).  This is true even if you do buy yourself a nice, fancy toy to play with once in a while! It's all about you :)

Fantasies drive self-play. Watching porn or reading erotica can be the source of your fantasies or they can be from your own mind (especially if you have a vivid imagination like I do!) Even writing-out your own fantasies as stories can be very stimulating. Some people find that self-play is a great time to map out strange or unusual fantasies they have. I personally love to do this.
If you are interested in having a sex toy collection, that can be an endless source of erotic fun. There are so many different things out there. You just have to start researching and trying them out. Whatever it is that you decide on, it is important to keep them good and clean at all times. Silicone toys are by far made out of the best material for sex toys. They are non-porous and made of a completely bacteriologically inert material. They can be boiled up to 500-degrees Fahrenheit and any cleaner or disinfectant can be used on toys made of silicone, be it alcohol, bleach, or anything else. Because of their expense, buy silicone toys only after you’ve experimented with non-silicone, less-expensive versions of similar toys and know exactly what you like. The silicone versions you purchase later on will last you years, if not for many years to come!

Mild sensation-play additions such as nipple or clitoral clamps for mild S&M can be a lovely addition to your session of self love. For me, these touches add to the general atmosphere and excitement of self-play!  

Now you don't just have to use sex toys. I have found many everyday objects like kitchen utensils, small bottles, celery sticks, cucumbers or even lit candles have brought me amazing pleasure! The kinds of things you can come up with for inspiration are endless! 
Keep in mind that many objects or toys that are new to you may have a “learning curve” before you discover their full potential. Many purchasers of kegal or Ben-Wa balls for instance, report not really “getting it” until a few attempts. So, keep at something a few times, and really sensitize yourself to what other ways you can move/flex/position that toy to produce a different effect till you get that “aha” moment!

Sensual self-exploration and discovery is part of the rich potential that is inherent in self-play. Just keep trying different things that you suspect may be expressions of your fantasies, sensations that you haven’t fully explored, or new kinds of objects or toys – all should become members of your arsenal for bountiful adventuring!
To summarize, self-play is more than simply pleasurable, it is part of your exciting sexual journey. Take your sweet time. Set aside lots of time to really explore yourself and your body’s possibilities. You have millions of erogenous zones! Take time to visit several of them and good luck making it last!

Well, when you have permission of course :)

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Happy Thanksgiving

Every year we see emails, cards, commercials, billboards around this time reminding us to be thankful. Its easy to say, but it isn't always so easy to do. I know that it has been a challenging year for many of us as we have been a part of so many changes. For some of us, these changes involved moving on to new jobs, new housing, new relationships and new stages of life. There were goodbyes and endings just as there were hellos and beginnings. There was extreme elation and great depths of despair. 

I’m sure I’m not the only one who simultaneously felt sad as I had to say farewell to things which had been such an integral part of my life and yet also excited and optimistic about future opportunities.

I can say this, however. I am indeed thankful for so many things and even all of the people whose paths crossed with mine regardless if ours was a positive or negative interaction.The last year for me has been full of change, successes, failures, laughs, and tears. I’m thankful for them all. I’m thankful for the time with my family, the new experiences, my d/s relationship with Sir, the opportunities to grow, the jokes (sometimes at my expense), the friendships, and most of all I’m thankful for all of the memories. 

Our lives will continue to be full of change, some good and some bad, but we can always be thankful for the experiences along the way. Each one is a mile marker along the road of life. After all, those experiences are what makes us who we are and have brought us to this very moment.  

So this week while you gather around friends and family to share a meal and the things you are thankful for, remember all of those little moments. On their own they may seem like insignificant parts of everyday life, but they are the threads that make up the tapestries of our lives. Be thankful for every precious moment, be it small or significant. When I’m thinking about those things I’m thankful for this Thursday, all of these will be among them.

A very Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, my friends.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Dinner, sex and great company

The title says it all! Those are all the elements needed for a great night which is exactly what I had!

I finally got some much needed time with Sir. I invited him over for dinner which we enjoyed with a picture perfect view of Seattle, arguably one of the most beautiful cities in the world. 

He is still having a difficult time in some very important parts of his life and seems tired and worn out. I understand that everyone has hardships and rough terrain they must trudge though but it just makes me sad to see such a great human being, one that I care a great deal about, suffering. The only thing I can do  is just be there if he needs to talk and not put demands on him or add drama. He knows I would do anything for him but not unlike myself, he needs to muddle through in his own way and in his own time.

Despite the effects of the ongoing struggles in his mood, we had a great time. Even when is sad, depressed or just blah, he is still awesome company. He was as funny and charming as ever in that way that only he can be. As for the sex? That sex, that i never dreamed could be so great?  Well, I am happy to report that as always, it was legendary and left me euphoric and one satisfied bitch!

I am so glad we got to catch up and I absolutely love to serve him. I admit, I felt a little tense at first but that soon disappeared and we fell right back into our usual awesome dynamic. 

I hope I brought him a little sunshine even if just for a little while. He deserves that and so much more.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

A Horny Blogaversary!

This month is a blogaversery of sorts. I started this blog in May 2012 but only wrote sporadically for the first year and a half. 

November 7th, 2013 was the start of my required weekly blogpost and I've written 54 posts since! It's interesting to look back at the many adventures and struggles I've had over the last year. I conquered a lot of fears and difficult situations. Yes, I've also had my share of failures and setbacks and it was very difficult at times but I never gave up.

I'm grateful Sir enforces this writing rule. There have been so many times that writing helped me process my emotions  and I came out stronger and wiser because of it.  I'm proud of my progress and often don't give myself enough credit but I must say,  I am one damn tough and resilient bitch! I don't know many people who could take on all the deeply ingrained programming and work through the growing pains. I have Sir to thank for helping me get this far and look forward to seeing what else we can conquer together.

I've been super horny lately! It started with that huge gorgeous moon we had last Friday. Something about a full moon really turns me on. I've always loved when the moon was full anyway but now that I have this terribly high sex drive, it has taken on a whole new meaning. 

I often thought it was a metaphor for bringing lightness into the dark which is maybe why it makes me feel so good. Who knows? All I know is that it makes me one horny bitch!

Sir did allow me one orgasm this evening which I am so grateful for. I did try to get another but no such luck...

Fortunately, we have plans to get together soon. That's the only real cure for what ails me. I would taking fucking him once over 100 orgasms by myself!

What can I say? He is just too damn talented ;)

Wednesday, November 5, 2014


Things have been difficult lately. Dark, damp and moody much like fall in Seattle. This has been mostly true for Sir but for more so than usual for me as well. I've been on this earth long enough to know how life's positive and negative energy ebb and flow. Most of the time I can ride out the difficult times but other times... Well, not so much.

This morning I remembered that I had a post due. I felt a bit overwhelmed. I didn't have anything to say and it seemed a daunting task. I thought about just writing a generic article about some bdsm topic but my heart wasn't in it. I let this thought settle. It didn't settle well.

On a whim, I decided to ask if I could skip writing a blog post today. I wasn't going to skip all together. I just wanted an extension in hopes I would be inspired soon. 

As soon as I pressed "send" I regretted it. This was a horrible, terrible, tragic idea! This was a lethal dose of poison to something very important to me and something Sir and I have spent years trying to cultivate. If I missed writing this today, soon I would miss something else, then something else and before I knew it, I would be completely rewired to submit only when it was easy or convenient which as anyone knows, isn't submission at all.

This thought shook me. Hard. I NEVER stop just because something is difficult. At least when it comes to this. If I didn't write a post today, I might as well just hang up my nipple clamps and join team vanilla. Resign myself to a life of bland sex and wishy-washy roles. A life where in time I would most likely go mad because of the lack of boundaries and general malaise. I shudder to even consider it. 

I really started to panic when he simply wrote back "Skip tonight". 

No! That is not the answer! Patience and perseverance is the only answer. This was my mini battle to fight and my mama didn't raise no pussy. If I have a task due, nothing, especially self pity, should ever stop me from getting it done.

Fortunately, he finally told me this behavior just makes everything worse and turns him off. Now, as he himself said, that may sound harsh but it stopped me dead in my tracks and I could feel my attitude change almost immediately. Harsh or not, I respond best to someone directly stating the consequences of my behavior. If I don't like those consequences, I change my behavior. End of story. It's what I need. 

Of course, I am only human and I need compassion and empathy as much a the next person but not in this situation. I need to know that I have gone too far. I am grateful he still feels free to be that way with me. 

After, the adjustment in my thinking, It started to dawn on me that perhaps my submission was not stagnate after all. In fact, maybe it was being tested more than it ever had been before. That whether or not I could handle distance and inevitable periods of difficulty in itself was a test of my devotion. I had been looking at it all wrong. 

My challenge right now is not to see if I can take X amount of pain, grapple with compersion or see how horny I can get before I explode but to patiently and respectively lay low. To offer quiet assurance that he is safe to deal with what he needs to and process the difficult emotions he is feeling without any extra stress from me.

This has been a tough learning experience but I think I finally get it. My resolve has been renewed. I'm not saying it will be easy and that I won't ever struggle but I can now clearly see the bigger picture instead of getting hung up on one moment in a long journey. 

I'm going to work hard on this. He deserves the best I can give and I hope he never accepts anything less from me or anyone else.