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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

A crazy week

I've been thinking about the intangible connection you have to someone you have a special bond with. My father passed away a few days ago and the 12 hours beforehand were a nightmare for me. I was completely distraught about everything in my life. I couldn't stop thinking of all the things that were wrong both real and imagined in nearly every aspect of my life. 
I kept thinking a lot about my Dad during that time. Things I hadn't thought about in years. Like the time he built us a tree house or stayed up all night assembling bikes so they were under the tree when we woke up Christmas morning. I wondered if the reason I was thinking so much about him was because I knew he was dying. I later realized that I looked at the clock and thought about him at the exact time that he passed away.
He was a very kind and intelligent man who earned his degree in Engineering from Lehigh University. He and my mother were married for 34 years until her death in 2000. They were always very respectful of each other and that is something very important to me to model in my own life. I don't always succeed but it will always be a life time goal for me.
While he was a great man he wasn't perfect. He was very quiet and hard to get to know. He was always there physically but at time it was hard to connect on a deep emotional level. I never thought about it when I was younger. It was just the way he was. I know now this has made deep intimacy somewhat uncomfortable for me but if that was the worse thing that he did, I consider myself pretty lucky. Now that I am aware of why it makes me uncomfortable it helps when I struggle. Being conscious of it has also pushed me to look for  ways to be more open and vulnerable. Submission is the main place where I have done this. While it is terrifying to be vulnerable sometimes, the openness and release I have found by letting go of my walls has been life changing.
I don't think I would have ever been inspired to do this if I hadn't met Sir. He makes me feel safe and has a very calming effect on me when I'm upset. I've not come across someone who can make me feel better as quickly as he can. I should note that the calming effect does not apply to my sexuality. In fact it is the polar opposite! Just thinking about him turns me into a ball of sexual energy. You would think that after six years, the sexual chemistry would mellow out a bit but not with him! In fact, it is quite the opposite. Just when I can't even fathom it getting better, it does. I am one lucky bitch :)
We have been wanting to have someone video one of our sexual encounters along with full fledged domination. I have enlisted a friend who is very open and kinky herself to do that. At first I worried that maybe I would feel self conscious or shy while she was there but I soon realized that wouldn't happen! When he is touching and dominating me everything else becomes a blur then ceases to exist.  It's so hot! I am so excited to have our own "show" to be able to watch at a later time. Although, I know damn well I could never watch unless I had permission to cum :)
Despite the upheaval of the week, it has been very important to me to keep my obligations to Sir. I went to one yoga class last night and got up and went again at 6am since I know I will be out of town until Sunday. I am also writing my required blog post. This consistency and routine gives me a sense of stability that a lack anywhere else in my life.

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