The After a very long stressful week I had the much needed pleasure of meeting Sir for a drink after work. We met at The Islander in Mercer Island which is a pretty awesome place. He had me wear my blue dress with no bra or panties and by 5:45pm, I was a horny mess! As usual, when he walked in, he took my breath away and made my pussy come alive.
We had a nice time catching up about what was going on in our lives and then the conversation turned to how things were going when it came to the D/S aspect of our relationship. There were several things I have done in the last 6 months that resulted in consequences that I do not like but I know I only have myself to blame. Facing the fact I lost my composure and it was going to cost me brought on a feeling of hopelessness. This distressed me at first. A lot. But as I began processing what he was saying, I felt this strange, unfamiliar sense of peace come over me. Soon I began to feel strong and a deep fulfillment because I realized I just got a peek at a new level of submission. No, I didn’t get my own way but instead of moping about it and letting take on a life of its own, I chose to see it as a learning experience and a successful test of my boundaries.
My only lingering concern while not nearly as strong as in was at first, is about not being challenged or becoming stagnate in my submission. Together we have come so far and I have experienced and conquered things I never dreamed possible. I feel an overwhelming anxiety when I think about losing that momentum but I trust him when he says there are many ways to foster growth and that it doesn't have to happen. Together we won’t let that happen.
I think what ultimately brought me to the feeling of peace is realizing that part of being a true submissive is accepting his decisions. Now, I know it sounds bad to blindly accept someone's decision but he is not just anyone and what we have is far from ordinary. I trust him in a way I have never trusted anyone and I know he cares deeply about me. He truly wants good things for me and it hurts him to see me in pain. Well, at least damaging, emotional pain :)
Despite, my worries about my growth being stunted, I woke up today feeling that my submission actually expanded. It was challenged and instead of shutting down or becoming upset or angry, I was able to overcome my anxiety and insecurity to understand the bigger picture and the reasons behind his decision. My goal is to enrich his life not bring him the stress or misery which this thing has the potential to do. I realized that if it has that kind of destructive potential, I shouldn't want any part of it. Maybe someday he will feel I can handle it, but until then, I will respect his decision. I've experienced what it feels like to disappoint him and the word "traumatizing" comes to mind. I have made a commitment to myself to do everything in my power not to disappoint him or cause him undue stress and that is a commitment I intend to keep.
It makes me feel so good about myself that I was able to pull it together and turn our discussion into something that in the end, strengthened my submission. It reminded me how I am strong, determined and will work tirelessly for a cause that is important to me. I eagerly do this despite obstacles that would deter the average person because it means that much to me.
I admit that for the first few minutes we talked about it, I did feel myself start to spiral into that horrible, scary place I hate to go. That ugly, dark place that tells me if I was just prettier, smarter, more interesting, a better person, etc. that these things would not be happening. I even felt myself start to shut down so I wouldn't have to feel the pain but to my surprise, these thoughts abruptly stopped. This was without any conscious effort on my part. It's hard to explain as I don’t quite understand it myself but this was definitely not a conscious act. My best guess is that because our bond and the commitment to my submission is so deep, my mind immediately knocked down any thoughts that would threaten that. I am so grateful that happened! I am sure disconnecting and putting up walls would have been a lot easier than letting myself feel discomfort, disappointment and pain but it is an inevitable death sentence with submission. I'll take the pain of growth over the feeling of nothingness any day. Holding back is a sure road to mediocrity and I'll never disrespect what we have by doing that.
I love how my submission always wins out in the end and fortunately for me it is happening faster all the time. This gives me less time to get myself into trouble :)
It's such a cool phenomenon. It is almost seems as if it has a mind of its own and a wisdom far beyond myself. It knew before I did, that if I start blocking out the hard stuff, that the amazing, life altering stuff would soon disappear as well. That is a horrible tragedy I never want to know.
Sir is such an amazing person with an uncommon wisdom he uses to subtly guide me just far enough to allow me figure it out on my own. He inspires my respect and devotion not by force, anger or guilt but by simply being the unique leader that his is. He makes me want to be a better person.
After we talked through everything and were winding down the evening. He told me to cum. I was surprised by this and asked "What?" He said "You heard me." It's amusing how people ask "What?" when they damn well heard what was said. I suppose it buys someone a little time to react.
I got up and went straight to the restroom. Fortunately, no one was in there. I went into the back stall and leaned against the wall and started to rub my pussy with my whole palm and fingers. No penetration. I prefer a friction based orgasm using pressure as opposed to a finger or two. My clitoris is way too sensitive and direct stimulation can be painful. Between my long suffering horniness and my renewed submissive mindset it took maybe all of 45 seconds for me to cum. This just enhanced the lessons of the night. Something I have no doubt he knew it would do.
He walked me to my car and as soon as he touched me I turned into a pool of unrestrained molecules bent on one thing. As usual, I couldn't hold back the intense desire to have him devour me, use me and take me as he pleased. Fortunately, he has atleast 1000 times the self control I have or I am sure public indecency would have ensued!
I have been painfully horny ever since. I asked him about having another orgasm. He said I could ask later but the answer would most likely be no AND that that I was to sleep naked! By 10:30pm, I thought I wouldn't be able to stand another second and asked again.
The answer was still no.
My gut reaction was to panic but soon this feeling of deep satisfaction knowing that this was bringing him pleasure washed over me. Don't get me wrong, I was still painfully horny and still am as I write this but I have the unwavering motivation to be the good girl he deserves.