An Orgasm Interupted

 I have been lying here in a daze for the last 20 minutes. My submission to Sir has reached yet another new level or maybe it just needed this opportunity to show me just how deep it has become. Either way, it was one of the most amazing things that ever happened with my body.

The day started with Sir choosing my outfit and telling me not to wear panties. The scene was set to star one horny bitch! 

Later that afternoon, we discussed plans and we were both a little frustrated by the circumstances preventing us having alone time. When balancing work, family, friends and other women, our connection may not take priority. It's always there and always important but when time is scarce, we need to work on things that could disappear without out attention. I understand that but wanted to make sure we never lose that. 

He takes concerns I have seriously and talks calmly and respectfully to me about them no matter how ridiculous or trivial they may seem. I can honestly say I always feel better after talking with him. He has a very reassuring manner in times of emotional upheaval and of the many things I appreciate about him, this is one of the biggest. 

When he understands me in that way that only he can, my submission grows and I get hornier. So, that evening, it's safe to say, my pussy was clenched and aching!

We didn't get too far in figuring out how we were going to fit in alone time. Both of us had pressing things to deal with throughout the weekend and Sunday we were going to spend some time with A who definitely needed some TLC.  

When I got finally got home about 8:30, my pussy was tight, wet and aching. I could not stop thinking about him controlling me. His strong grip, his firm, commanding voice turning me into putty in his hands and most of all, his huge 8 inch cock ramming me and bringing more orgasms than I can count.

Finally, when I couldn't take much more, I texted him saying I was frustrated and of I could please have permission to cum. 

He wanted to know if so was frustrated with him which I was not. I was frustrated with the roadblocks postponing this  deeply ingrained need to serve him. That along with my brain and pussy pressuring me for a release, I was in a bad way.

He said I may have 5 orgasms in the next 30 minutes. Pleasure flooded my body instantly and I set the alarm for 30 minutes in the future. 

The first one came instantly almost spontaneously. I could feel the oxytocin flood my body and I sense of peace came over me.  I started thinking about focusing on threesome when a text I received a text from A. She seemed to think just she and Sir were going to meet on Sunday and that she hoped her and I get together soon. I was confused and a little thrown off and we texted back and forth a few times. 

I looked at the clock and saw that I just wasted over 10 minutes of my orgasm time. I asked myself what the fuck was I doing wasting this very generous opportunity from Sir and immediately got my head back in submission mode.

I had my second one and then brought out the porn. I know exactly what to watch to make me cum quickly. It did not disappoint and I soon had two more.

As I lay there looking for a new clip, I glanced at the clock. 3 minutes left! I started to panic and clicked on a spanking tube video with a cute young blonde girl who broke a rule and was going to be punished with several implements. I forwarded through talking and several other scenes looking for the good stuff. Finally, I got to the part where she was over his knee and between blows on her cute red ass and her cries, he rubbed her wet pussy while she moaned. That did it! I could feel the orgasm rise and a split second later, the alarm went off.

Immediately, it just stopped. It didn't slow down. It stopped completely. My pussy was completely relaxed. Not a trace of the intense spasm that was taking of just a millisecond before.

I sat up. I couldn't  comprehend what just happened. How could an orgasm just disappear once it started? I would like to take credit for stopping it because I am so obedient to Sir but I can't. It happened so quickly that I didn't even have time to makes that choice. 

I know my submission is deep but I had no idea it was this deeply ingrained. It's so amazing what the mind and body can do when you are dedicated to a goal and preserve even when things get difficult.

Being the best submissive bitch I can be

I'm not a fan of being vulnerable to people. In fact, I can count on one hand (ok maybe two) the times in my life that I really let myself be wide open to possible hurt. However on my quest to become the most submissive being possible for Sir and to experience the maximum amount of pleasure, I must be open 100% to the pain.

 

I went to see Sir last night and we had a particularly intense exchange complete with tears brought on by both by physical and psychological pain. Later that night when I got home, I started thinking about the different types of pain. I was curious to which kind of pain he prefers to give so I sent him a text to which he replied "Both".

 

I started to think about myself and what kind of pain I needed to reach that place in my head where I am completely possessed by him. Did I need both? As torturous as they both can be, the answer was unequivocally, yes.

I then began thinking about what it takes to truly submit to someone. Submission is something that cannot be done properly on a part time basis. At least that is the case for me. I knew pretty early on that I must live my submission in order for it to be successful. It needed to be right under the surface ready to serve at a moment’s notice and it does.

 

Recently, a woman reached out to me on one of the spinoff boards from Fetlife. She was fairly new to bdsm and was struggling. She was desperate to learn how to be a better submissive. I was flattered she asked my opinion and we chatted online quite a bit. Here are some of the attributes I shared with her. I believe they are vital for a successful submission. 

 

- Give 100%. This is something that many submissives fail to realize. Many believe it means giving only what you want to give or feel like giving. One thing it most definitely is NOT is manipulating the situation to get your way. True submission is acquiescing to his needs. It means going above and beyond...giving unselfishly until it hurts. Both physically and mentally.

 

- Check your jealousy at the door. When you decide to enter into a dominant/submissive relationship, you must learn to say goodbye to outward expressions of jealousy. Nothing can kill such a relationship faster. Your dominant may decide to have more than one submissive or even vanilla ladies he enjoys. If this is the case, you must learn to deal with it and realize that his relationship with another women does not take away from his relationship with you and may even enhance it. I know this is true for Sir and I. Knowledge of his pleasure from others has actually strengthened the our bond and deepened my submission. This frame of mind does doesn't come naturally. It takes a hell of a lot of work to achieve but I am proof that it is possible. I still struggle with it sometimes but I can usually figure out how to hold it together before too long. It's still a work in progress but I have no doubt I will triumph here.

 

- Obey your dominant. Nothing tells a dominant you care more than this. Obeying him tells him that you are willing to do anything for him. I have never refused Sir anything. I have hesitated and faltered but eventually I conquered or at least learned to manage my fear so I was able to go forth to please him. 

 

- Respect your dominant. One thing that most dominants will not tolerate is disrespect. No matter what the issue, you must always approach your dominant in a submissive manner and tone. It is fine to disagree or question something, but do it with respect. I am fairly good at this but it definitely took some getting used to. 

 

- Know your self worth. It you think poorly of yourself why should he think any different? You need a fairly high self esteem to be a submissive or else you are probably going to be miserable. I know what I am worth. I know I am a smart, caring, attractive, resourceful person with a lot to offer. I understand quite well that I have a thousand other options but this is what I have chosen for myself. My burning desire is to be dominated and used for his pleasure and I throw everything I am into serving him. 

Submission will test your self esteem and you need to be strong to endure it at times. Of course, make sure your Dominant respects you as a fellow human being before you put yourself in such a vulnerable position. I am fortunate in that Sir often reminds me that I am beautiful, smart and amazingly strong. I know he genuinely likes and respects me as a person. I trust him with my life and know he would never be careless with my submission. 

I am honored to serve him and all this makes me one lucky bitch :)

Why is it so hard to keep my legs uncrossed?

Last evening, Sir and I met at a lovely restaurant overlooking Eastlake Union. I know from being at nearby restaurants that the view is fantastic although in the darkness I could only see a few scattered lights. I arrived early as I always do for Sir. This is just  one of the many bad habits he has broke me of.

Just the anticipation of seeing him made me wet with desire. When he walked in, his commanding presence took my breath away as it always does. I was now in full submission mode or so I thought.

A few weeks ago, he informed me that there were going to be some new rules. One of these was that I am not to cross my legs or arms and must always keep my mouth open on his presence. He didn't specify why and while it is not ever my place to question him I suspect the thought behind this rule is to symbolize how I am to always be open and available for his use and to show submission.

I am having a horrible time following this rule and to be honest, until now, I haven't put much effort into it and it shows. At dinner, I crossed my legs 3 times! Needless to say, Sir was not pleased and informed me that there would be absolutely no orgasms until he decided I was punished enough for my discretion. I started to disagree with him and justify my actions but just one look from him was enough to stop me in my tracks.

I can't tell you how horrible I felt for disappointing him! I hate it! He is always fair and gives very clear cut instructions. Why couldn't I follow this rule? Why couldn't I stop crossing my god damn legs?

I know better than to give an excuse. There is none. I fucked up. He gave me simple instructions and I didn't follow them but the social scientist in me wanted to know the reason why. I knew it couldn't be that  unconsciously I wanted to disobey him because it brings me nothing but misery, both physical and mental and it my always goal to avoid that kind of pain, especially the mental anguish. I know some subs who like to act bratty and get off on the negative attention that follows but that is just not me. I take my commitment so seriously that I would never deliberately disobey just to get attention.

So what was it? I thought and thought about it and this is the conclusion I came to. Aside from Sir's natural dominant abilities which are far superior to any I have ever seen or or heard about, my ability to submit is largely successful because of my normally stubborn nature. I have set my mind to submit and therefore my will naturally follow suit. This along with his programing almost guarantees success, at least eventually. 

As we said goodbye in the parking garage I was one big horny, chemical mess! I always am it when I am near him. As soon as he touched me and I smelled his intoxicating scent, I was a goner. My pussy was throbbing and I lost all train of thought. I wanted to ravage him, drink in all his dominant energy, be consumed. Unfortunately, my body must have not gotten the memo about how much trouble I was in. He had to be quite firm with me, making me keep my hands to my side. I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust and with that he was gone.

I really didn't want to sit home and try to squelch my raging desire but I really didn't want to go anywhere else either. So, I paced the floors and tried all the tricks in my well stocked arsenal to try to calm myself. I managed to distract myself briefly but the urges always returned quickly. My cravings were both physical and mental. The most dangerous kind, I was frustrated but I also knew I couldn't blame Sir or anyone else for my predicament. It was my fault and my fault alone. Eventually I fell asleep exhausted but firm in my resolve to become a better submissive..

When my alarm went off this morning, I was horny immediately but then the reasons why came to me so I got up resigned to my fate and even a little proud to be suffering for Sir. Work was crazy from the start and if wasn't long before I noticed my legs were crossed. God dammit! What was my problem?  I grabbed two small pieces of tape rolled them up so the sticky part was on both sides and placed a piece on the outside of each thigh.

These pieces of tape did their job of reminding me to stop crossing my legs 4 times in the morning alone but by the afternoon it only happened twice and tonight while I was out with a kinky friend it didn't happen at all! I know I am not out of the woods yet though. I plan on using this tape until I go at least 24 hours without breaking the rule.

I am determined to get this!

 

A gathering of submissive women

Recently, I have been expanding my horizons in the bdsm world. I originally started becoming more involved in order to meet women that Sir and I could enjoy but I soon found it had the added benefit of strengthening my submission to Sir. 

I have become more active on Fetlife including attending some of the many events going on in the Seattle area. A few months back I met a very nice submissive woman who invited me to join her and other submissive ladies who occasionally get together and talk about both the ecstasy and the challenges of submission.

 

I have one particular roadblock that has been weighing on my mind lately and was hoping to get some advice from women that have the same burning desires as I do. Despite being very obedient to Sir  there has been one specific thing that when he asks me about it, I can't seem to acquiesce to immediately. He asks me if I would pleasure another man if he told me to and as recently as this past Saturday, I still stammered and showed contempt at the very mention of it. I never outright say no and eventually agree but we both know my submission is seriously lacking here. In most other realms, it has become instant, I don't think about what he desires, I simply comply. It may sound crazy and if I didn't trust him 100%, I might think it was pretty fucked up myself. But this has become part of my nature, especially recently. It is who I am and who I always wanted to be even though it took a long time for me to realize it.

 

Someone asked what has worked to strengthen my submission 

up to this point. I thought about it and this is what I came up with. 

 - Daily rituals. Well actually that would be ritual as I only have one that I do every single day and that is text when I go to bed. This ensures that it is last thing I think about on any given day. 

- Overwhelming horniness. My baseline is always horny anyway but I'm referring to that frenzied sexual energy that possesses me and I can think of nothing but all the amazing things he does to me. My symptoms become physical at this point as well. My pussy throbs and clenches uncontrollably and I get wet. At this stage I am usually waiting for him to grant permission for an orgasm or trying to delay asking him because I think it may be a bad time to bother him.

- My weekly report due every Sunday on the progress of my search for for another woman to play with.

- Hearing unexpectantly from him. Sometimes I hear from him out of the blue and he will text something he wants me to do or even better, something he has been thinking about that he would like to see happen for example, wear a sheer blouse or branding. He doesn't do this very often but when he does, my mind becomes fixated on whatever idea he has dreamed up and what I can do to ensure that this particular desire comes to fruition. Other times he surprised me by texting photos of himself, both sexual and non-sexual. This nearly puts me over the edge! My craving to submit and serve surges at these times.

- Having him choose my outfit. He asks me to take photos of myself in two different outfits and he then decides which I will wear that day. This also includes undergarments or even better, lack of undergarments. If he does decide I am not to wear panties, I am even more aroused all day which in turn reminds me of my dedication to serving him. 

- Serving him. I don't get the opportunity to this as much as I would like but a good example would be making and serving him dinner.

 

- Writing on my blog or Twitter. Also, reading about others kinky experiences. This fills my head lots of new and exciting ideas that I would love to try.

- Conquering a challenge he has given me. This is probably the number one thing that strengthens my submission. The pride I feel when I please him is overwhelming and to accomplish a difficult task just makes me want to do more to please. The ones that stick out in my mind are finding another woman and being alone with a woman. When I finally succeeded in my mission, the pride and satisfaction I felt was greater than words can describe.

So, needless to say, the girls were impressed with my journey especially because it was the first time in my life that I have done it. They could tell I take my submission very seriously but did have a few suggestions I hadn't thought of. Here are a few if them:

- Do more. More rituals. More serving. Basically more of everything I listed above. I love this idea and would gladly do anything he asked but ultimately it is up to Sir the frequency of any and all and activities. They suggested I tell him I can take as much as he can give. I am fairly certain he knows I would do just about anything to give him pleasure. I would hope he would never hold back in pushing me. I embrace and savor every single act of submission I have experienced for him and can't even imagine anything he asks being too much.

- On the flip side of serving, is learning to wait patiently for him to lead. Dominants don't want to feel like they HAVE to communicate when they really don't want to. If a submissive tries using guilt or manipulation to serve herself by getting him to serve her, this is a turnoff which will in turn strain your connection and possibly even  sabotage submission. I was told several times that one of the most difficult but also most important skills a submissive can possess is to know when the dominant wants silence or solitude. Learn to respect this and more importantly learn to know without being told to simply lay low and be quiet for awhile.

- The last piece of useful advice I learned was to practice particularly difficult scenario's in your head until it becomes second nature. Several times a day, I am to imagine him asking me to suck another man's cock and picture myself agreeing immediately in a calm, peaceful manner, finding contentment in his pleasure of how I submit so completely to him.

It was a wonderful night and I really enjoyed myself. It is so nice to talk to people who understand my nonconventional desires. I look forward to incorporating these gems of wisdom into my never ending quest to strengthen my submission so I can give Sir exactly what he deserves.

 

 

Constant Cravings

I am constantly craving the opportunity to  serve Him. I can never get enough. The problem is that life is busy and serving him can’t always happen as often as I would like. This gets me so frustrated and distracted. I try not to complain or make demands on him but sometimes I just have no idea how to deal with it. A few times it has gotten so bad that I thought I might be crazy!

 

This feeling also creates this discordant state in my head. I mean doesn’t being submissive consist of me serving his needs, not the other way around? Does having my own agenda making me a lesser submissive? I have a hard time knowing where the line is. I know he cares that I am getting what I need and he an innate abililty to know just how far to push me. I guess I just get scared I will push and cross the line and we all know what happens at that point!

 

It is hard to believe that there was ever a time in my life that I had no interest in sex. Now I can’t get enough! I actually crave it like a drug and when I can’t get it, the withdrawals get increasingly worse until he takes me again. It is during these withdrawals that I usually get myself into trouble. I get irritable and have to fight the urge to demand it from him. It was almost easier when I thought that if I never had sex again, that would be just fine. Despite the fact that it was easier that way, I know I could never go back to that after knowing a passion such as the one Sir inspires.

 

Even though my struggle is as difficult as ever, I have recently learned to reign in my emotions. Well, at least of the manifestations that my emotions give birth to. I don't ignore them, I just don't let them make me irrational. I don’t whine or complain and I definitely don’t demand things from him. I do let him know in the most respectable manner I can that my need to serve is starting to become overwhelming. He already knows all too well that I always want to serve him and am constantly horny but he is good at sensing that it is worse than usual.

 

He has been slowly teaching me that I can take more than I think I can and that it is even possible to find pleasure in the waiting. We will see if I can truly master that skill. I have my doubts but then again, there is nothing he has wanted me to learn that I haven't.

My submission is truly ingrained in me

I've been thinking about how my submission seems to always be lingering right under the surface, just waiting to be triggered by his command. 

Last night I  texted him that I was going to bed which is one of the rituals of my submission. 

A few minutes later he texted back. "Good night...Why don't you sleep naked...You may cum twice when you awake."

 

Being the horny little bitch I am, I was estatic to hear of this bout of pleasure coming my way! It was also great motivation to get to sleep. In fact, I fell asleep faster than I have in a long time.

When my alarm went off early next morning, my body immediately knew what to do and I of course I did it :)

It just amazes me how before I was even fully awake, I was right on his given task. It kind of reminds me of one of Pavlov's dogs. I heard the alarm bell and immediately began to pleasure myself. No thinking, just instinct. He commands me to do something and my body goes on auto pilot. On an unyielding mission to do whatever it is I am told. 

As a girl who historically has always been in control of myself, it's a pretty cool phenomenon actually....

Rituals you can practice to prove your dedication to your Submission

Rituals are very important when you are submissive. The repetitiveness keeps the brain wired to that habit. It also keeps you focused on serving your dominant. Here are a few ideas on how to prove just how dedicated you are to serving him.

 

Tokens of servitude - This can be a collar, jewelry or something that you can wear. These  items symbolize giving up control of your sexual being to him. Each day the you would be be required to wear something given to her by her Dom that symbolizes his ownership of you. It doesn't have to be just one item. As long as you are wearing something that was given to you by him each and every day, this would be sufficent. I believe this is an excellent reinforcement of submission. T has been so generous to his horny bitch which makes this ritual very easy for me. I have multiple necklace's, earrings, nipple ring, scarf, clothes and panties from him. More than enough to be able to wear at least one of them every day. The obvious idea behind this is that you are reminded that he controls you every time you see the item you are wearing.

Choosing your outfit for the day -  This can be either by having him choose between two outfits you to present him or if knows your wardrobe well, having him simply tell you "Wear_____ today."

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First thing in the morning and last thing before bed rituals - To many, this are the most important times to reinforce submission. They are designed so it is the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing your think about before going to sleep. One such ritual, we do is texting when I am going to bed. I have been a bit liberal about it lately and sometimes continue to do things after I have told him I am going to bed. As of this writing, I am making the vow to only text after I have done everything I need to do and I am going straight to sleep. Other such rituals include a morning text, chanting (kind of strange to me....), or a ritualized bedtime routine. Some other things that would only apply you lived together, are waking him every morning by sucking his cock or kneeling next to the bed each night and asking his permission to join him. Those last two make me especially wet when I think about them!

Menial tasks - This would include activities like cleaning, running errands or any pretty much any task your Dom may need done. Serving him dinner falls under this category and is one of my personal favorites. I have found this incredibly fulfilling to my need to serve even though it has been fairly difficult for me to pull off with much poise and grace! It requires me to concentrate during the absolute height of my horniness which is something I clearly need work on. Every time I have made dinner for him, I later remember of all the things I forgot or didn't get right and can't believe how scattered I had been all because I could not focus during my heightened state of arousal. Practicing and hopefully one day perfecting this would be a huge milestone in my goal to master self-control. My ideal would be able to concentrate long enough to present a whole meal to him flawlessly. I don't want to suppress my horniness though rather just manage it. Other ideas in this category could only be used if you lived with your Dom. Some examples would be bringing him breakfast or coffee in bed each morning, waking him in a unique and repetive way, drawing a bath etc

Research and write a weekly report on a new subject - Either the Dom or Sub would pick one subject per week (or month) that has something to do with domination, submission, sex, or other bdsm related topics.You would then write an informative report on it to present to him. The possible topics are endless. I like this idea mostly because the subject matter is of great interest to me and because I am a weirdo that likes to write reports! The paper would be due on the exact same day every week. This is a great opportunity to learn new ideas or fun things to do in the lifestyle. Buying, using and reviewing a new sex toy would be another variation on this.

Offering of Sub to others - Here the Dom reserves the right to give you to others to use as he sees fit. We have discussed this quite a bit lately and ithas caused me a lot of anxiety. It feels erotic and somewhat right to share T with a woman. There is something that really turns me on to think of him telling me exactly what I should do to her. If he says to kiss her, I would kiss her. If he says to lick her pussy, I would do so without hesitation as well as without promoting my own agenda. However, the thought of being with a man absolutely terrifies me. I can only imagine how awkward that would be. Again, not all Dom's like to share so if that is the case, this wouldn't be for you. This act holds a limited appeal to me but as the obedient little slut I am, if he decides to share me, be it with a woman or with a man, I will obey without hesitation or complaint.

Learn the art of body massage - One submissive woman I met, just recently signed up for a class on this and told me it was not too late to register if I was interested. I would enjoy learning massage because it such a sensual act and would be so relaxing for him. The benefit of this is that not only would it  be an act of serving but it would also require me to practice extreme restraint, something I consistently struggle with. Simply seeing him makes me lose immediate control of any sexual restraint. To have to strategically massage him without losing my focus and without attempting to manipulate him into fucking me immediately would be horribly difficult! I was told that massage is very task oriented when you know what you are doing. It’s not just rubbing anywhere for however long you feel like it but a process that requires time and precision.

 Gifts to your Dom - This includes either things or people to play with. I personally love other women and would love to find a long term relationship with one to compliment my relationship with T. Because of the time and effort involved as well as intimacy and acceptance needed, this is a very strong reinforcement of submission. Included here would be progress report. It helps me stay organized and keep track of the where iI am in the process of wooing any given woman. I know that not everybody has an open relationship and would never dream of sharing your Dom with other women but for those who do, it shows how seriously you takes his pleasure and the lengths that you will go to find him a plaything or even better, a new ongoing relationship for you both.

 Watching your Dom fuck someone - This would also include knowing that D is fucking someone and processing all the details. This has been a huge adrenaline rush for me and has expanded both my pain and pleasure thresholds. I been with T when he fucked someone but the it is the times he texts me moments before he is going to fuck someone surprisingly invokes more emotion. This may be due to being deprived of being fucked myself which causes wrenched envy or just a case of my deviant imagination running wild and my body responding to it. Whatever the cause, I have learned an incredible amount about myself from both scenario's. I desperately would like further opportunities to experience this mind altering experience as I know the room for my personal growth is still enormous in both situations. I am looking forward to taking it a step further and seeing him out with someone, then leaving knowing that he will be fucking her shortly. Simply seeing a picture of the woman he was going to be with stepped up the reaction \quite a bit so it will be interesting to see what physically seeing both of them together in person will be like. I also think about what it would be like to see him fuck someone in person who didn't know I was there while I must sit by quietly and watch. If we wanted to add a step before that, I could try this while watching remotely by camera as well.

These are just a few ideas's you can try to cement your submission but the possiblities are really never ending especially when you have deviant minds like T and I do :)

Crying during an intense sexual experience

I actually cried during an intense sexual experience. There it is, in black and white for anyone to see. I still am not 100% sure why I was moved to tears during one of most intimate encounters you can have with another human being but I am starting to understand it little by little. I do know that something emotional was shaken loose at this time even though its exact definition and cause are still vague.

I should start by saying that I am not a crier. Especially not in front of anybody else. In my family or with anyone who knows me, I have always been seen as the strong one and I take a certain amount of pride in that. It's part of my identity.

For years, I was in a relationship where it wasn't safe to express negative emotions. No frustration, no anger, no sadness. If I did, it was met with either disappointment, shame, ridicule, or down right anger. I am not one to naturally express these emotions much anyway but soon I stopped almost completely.

As if losing the capacity to express such vital human emotions wasn't bad enough, I began to lose the positive emotions like passion and elation as well. I was even keeled all the time. I never let go enough to fully feel either pain or pleasure. I  lived my life simply doing what I needed to do. 

It is only in the last few years have I begun to recognize that this has been a long time problem for me. I tended to avoid anger, minimize injustices, hide myself away when I am depressed, refuse to ask for help, and would rarely reveal when I was hurt or scared. I shunned anything that could be portrayed as weak.

After years of living like this, it isn't any surprise that it would all eventually blend together, building and building until it finally burst. The end of that relationship came quickly. I had reached the point of no return. I was done and to this day,  I honestly believe that leaving saved my very essence as a human being.

So, there I was. Free at last. Despite my new found freedom, I  know damn well that I had years upon years of stuffed anger, frustration and resentment were corked deep within me. Years of none of my needs being met quite the way I needed them to; my emotional, physical, social, intellectual, and spiritual needs unattended, even my freedom of self-expression has been squelched. Despite all of the positive effects that came from choosing to fully live my own life has brought me, I still had a deep rooted fear of all this pent up negativity. I feared that if I gave in to it, I would lose my mind; have a nervous breakdown, or explode in ball of fury. I knew I needed a safe way to release it. I needed a safe avenue to explore my need to serve and please without being suffocated

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If is safe to say that when it comes to relationships, everything I tried up to this point has been a miserable failure. Wasn't I supposed to be happy in some long term, monogamous, vanilla relationship? Why couldn't I be content marrying a rich doctor, moving to Mercer Island and attending endless cocktail parties and tennis dates? Scheduling missionary sex for every other Saturday night? Wouldn't my life be better that way? Perhaps in theory it should be, but unfortunately not for me. I now know, unequivocally, that I need more.

Today, as I control and manage my own life. I can't even begin to count how many balls I juggle at any given time or I just may drop them all. I do know that the only person I can truly count on is myself. Good or bad, that us the way it is and I am comfortable that way.

But no man is an island and my submission is one of the few places that I don't need or even want this control. I love how that while I am in this head space, I become this base creature, only experiencing the physical pleasure and pain of what he has decided will be. I exclusively follow his plan and his agenda. Who  could have guessed the unmatchable high and the libido that would rival any teenage boy out there!

This journey has freed me in so many way despite how counter intuitive it sounds. How can submitting to another, giving up control and blindly obeying, free someone? Strange as it may seem, submission has taken me on a journey through the darkest parts of the sexual beast that is me: my hunger ,my lust, and my desire to connect with my darker hidden self through the flesh of another.

I have found a satisfaction in submitting than is rivaled by nothing else. I have even discovered that I  take pride in my own debasement. By  surrendering my will and ego to him, I have become liberated. in a way that is almost spiritual. I once read that pain and other emotional trauma can advance spirtual/pyschological causes. I thought that was just the rambling of one of those crazy, new age types but I've come to understand.

This is not to say it has been an easy journey. In fact, at times it has been down right painful, both physically and emotionally. Now before anyone gets distressed let me make clear, that while I have felt pain, it's a great pain, and I like suffering for great results
.

I have learned to be vulnerable. I know that he has the capacity to destroy me but I completely trust him not to. He did not get my submission by force, manipulation or by crushing my will but instead by inspiring respect and obedience. He inspires a passion that makes every encounter is a rush, with a range of emotions that astonishes me. After I am with him in a sexual situation, the release is so great that I am exhausted, often for days, and need to sleep.

So, the other night, during a rather intense encounter and without warning, I broke down and cried.
I am still tying to pinpoint exactly why the tears started flowing. On this particular night, I had quickly  reached the state, where instead of being buried deep, down inside like they usually are, my emotions lingered right at the surface.

As we were in bed,  he brought up a subject that has been very difficult for me to accept. He asked once again if I would suck a man's cock if he told me to. I felt the disgust well up on me at the thought of this repugnant act. I broke his gaze and instinctively pulled ever so slightly back without answering his question. This is when I felt a sharp slap land square on my left cheek.

The tears began to fall immediately. In retrospect, I can see now that this was the very moment signaling my complete handover of control.

Emotion seemed to pour out of every cell in my body. I was completely caught off guard by this. My very first thought was that my tears were due to the pain of a slap but I had taken that and more many other times without a second thought.

My next thought was about how my hesitation and lack of immediate compliance much have disappointed and frustrated him so. He does not like to have to tell me something twice, nor should he have to. We had been over this subject more than once and I knew better than to hesitate like that. What the hell was wrong with me? Hadn't I been warned repeatedly that resistance when discussing this subject would not be tolerated?  My anger at myself just made the tears come faster. I hated disappointing him.

Then, came the horrifying realization that I was actually crying! Right here in the middle of this most amazing sex, I was bawling like a baby. Who had I become?

He asked me what was wrong but I honestly wasn't sure. He suggested that maybe I was crying because the slap hurt? Yes, it had hurt but I was fairly certain that wasn't why I was crying. Was it his disappointment in my lack of instant compliance? I figured this had to be why but deep down, I wasn't completely convinced.

As I desperately searched for an answer, he told me to get off of him. Fear spread throughout my body like poison. I was embarrassed and my body quickly filled with a self loathing I have rarely experienced. He held me while I tried to stop crying but to my horror, the  harder I tried to stop, the harder I cried. I cursed myself. I was stronger than this. All my worse fears rose to the surface. I had freaked him out by acting like a silly little girl. I could tell he was surprised at my reaction. Maybe it was my own paranoia but I felt him pull away. I was mortified.

We talked. I explained how I hated to disappoint him. He wanted an answer to why I was crying and so did  I. I now know it wasn't just one event that precipitated my reaction. It was the culmination of the past, my fear of failure, the raw intensity of the situation and my unyielding dedication of my submission to him.

I have since learned that my reaction was a positive thing. At that moment, I evolved as a person and a sexual being more than I ever dreamed possible .This journey has taught me more about life and myself than maybe anything ever has. I don't know what the future holds for me and for the first time in my life, it doesn't even matter. For now, I will embrace my life and the beauty and wonder it holds. Giving my submission to someone who seems to always innately know just how to play me has made this experience the stuff legends are made of and for that, I will be forever grateful to my Sir.

Why Some Strong Women Crave Sexual Submission

Sexual submission is a topic that was once taboo; it was only discussed by those “in the know” in
certain fetish groups and online communities. Recently though, with the popularity of the “Shades
of Grey” series of books, more women are looking at submission as a way to add spice to their sex
life. Women now whisper about submission with their girlfriends, or mention these fantasies to their
significant others. When the mainstream media sees a new trend it pounces on it and BDSM seems to be the new flavor of the month.

Surprisingly, there are more strong career-minded women who are sexually submissive than many
people think. Many of these women spend all day making the calls in the boardroom, or working as
doctors, lawyers or in other high-profile positions. During the day, they make their employees tremble
with a sharp word or look. So, why are things different in the bedroom?

Much of human's enjoyment of sex is fantasy. Women who are strong and commanding during the
day may wish to give up this power at night and spend time letting someone else make the calls.
Submission with the right partner allows a woman to give up control, in a safe way. Those who haven't
experienced the act of full submission in the bedroom may not fully understand, but it takes away the
need to think and question every move. A submissive is not worried about her enjoyment, because that enjoyment comes from fulfilling that special dominants wishes. She simply does as she's told and “enjoys the ride.”

Submitting to a partner is a fantasy of many women, whether one they voice or choose to keep
internalized. The important thing to remember is that fantasizing, or even acting on these fantasies with
a safe partner, doesn't make a woman any less strong and able. I believe it is the opposite actually. A woman needs to be secure and in touch enough with herself to even begin to explore this lifestyle. She needs to be able to understand that feminism is a woman's right to choose what makes her happy and if being dominated by a strong man in the bedroom is what gets her juices flowing then that is what she should seek out. Exchange of power scenarios are simply another way to explore sexual energy and emotions between a couple. As long as it is safe, sane and consensual that it is a beautiful thing.

As for me, in all other realms of my life, I am painfully in control. I carefully plan and orchestrate everything from paying my bills to planning a vacation. I purposefully take on lots of responsibility because it is just the way I've always been. Honestly though, it is stressful and a lot of pressure! Although I never realized it before, I needed an outlet! Being submissive to the man who I trust explicitly and who has been my lover or friend in some capacity for almost four years now has been incredible. I have reached heights in both my body and mind that I never could have imagined. I have become a more confident and satisfied woman.

There is no one way to be submissive and I love the endless creativity it provokes. I have given him complete control of my pussy or as we both refer to it now, "his pussy". I don't not play with it and most definitely do not have an orgasm without his expressed permission. Many days he also decides my dress and whether or not undergarments should be worn. As crazy as it sounds, this makes me insane with desire! He has also given me many unique challenges over the last few months, including orgasming in public, learning to deep throat, and pleasuring myself in front of virtual stranger at a BDSM club. These are definitely things that never would have crossed my mind that anyone would do, much less me! Even though we stumbled into this lifestyle together, he is so proficient that you would think he has been doing it for years.

I don't know what the future holds with T and part of this dominant/submissive relationship is not trying to control or worry about it. I find a lot of solace in that. I now think about what it would be like to have a normal, vanilla, sexual relationship now and I'm not sure I could go back to that. The heights of excitement have been set pretty high.

A Challenge from Him: Learning to Deep Throat

One of the great myths of being a sexually submissive woman is that you cannot or will not think for yourself. I for one, can’t emphasize enough how false this myth is! In the months since I have chosen to love and embrace the submissive tendencies of my sexuality, my creativity, productivity, imagination and maybe most importantly, my sexual satisfaction has been off the charts! The deliberate decision to surrender my sexuality to a dominant and sexually superior man, a man who I trust with every fiber of my being, has been one of the most intense and liberating experiences of my life.

The act of submission is a very psychologically complex concept for which there are as many meanings as there are individuals. For me personally, a fundamental part of this process is the unwavering desire to fulfill every single one of his carnal requests. Once I allowed myself permission to let go of what society says a woman should feel and instead listened to my inner desires, I crossed into this dimension of sexuality that I never even dreamed exist. The mere thought of pleasing him alone became enough to bring me to the brink of orgasm. I would part seas to make even his slightest sexual inclination a reality and it all felt so right. So pure and so true. So, as you can imagine, when he asked for me to learn to take his entire 8 inch cock down my throat, I agreed eagerly and without hesitation.

Now, despite my obsessional and overwhelming desire to do this for him, deep down, I must admit, I was more than a little concerned. This man is not your average guy in any way and penis size is no exception! According to Web MD, the average size of the penis is 5-6 inches. This specimen of sexual perfection measures in at a whopping 8 inches! Now, I always knew his cock was much larger than any I had ever come across in my years here on this earth but over 25 percent? That was a substantial amount! This task was no doubt a daunting one but I knew I would do whatever it took to find a way to accomplish this mission.

Now, I absolutely worship his glorious, over sized cock. Nothing has ever even come close to giving me so much pleasure! It is truly a treasure that legends are made of. Over the years, I have been blessed to have been fucked hundreds of times by him and in every single instance, I've experienced a beautiful and intense orgasm. I kid you not and I will say it again. I have climaxed every single time he has fucked me. So now maybe you can understand when I say a man of his stature and ability deserves nothing but very best and I was going to do whatever it took give it to him.

Up to the point of this request, I had only been able to take about 4 to 5 inches down. As soon as I went any further than this, I immediately started gagging. How would I ever conquer this task? Anxiety started to flood my veins and I responded by researching this subject with a passionate fervor. I googled every possible combination of words. I searched for any morsel of knowledge that that may hold the magic recipe.

- How to swallow a cock whole

- How to deep throat

- How to suck a whole penis

God love the internet! I don't remember what I did before it came along but it couldn't have been easy. I found quite a bit of useful information but here are the highlights:

- Squeeze your left thumb tightly in you left palm.

- The best position to get it down is to lie on your back with you head hanging over the side.

- Keep swallowing

- Dramamine for nausea

- Throat numbing spray to relax the gagging reflex.

- Cover his cock with lube (I got a delicious one from Lover's) so it can glide easily down your throat.

- Suppress your gag reflex with a toothbrush. I will talk more about this later.

- Stick flatten your tongue as if the doctor was using a tongue depressor. Slick your tongue out so the tip is below your bottom lip.

- Breathe out as the penis is going down your throat.

- Don't panic!

The adult esophagus is 10-14 inches long and 1 inch wide so there is no physical reason this feat can't be accomplished! Almost every article warned that suppressing the gag reflex is not a skill that is learned over night and it could take weeks to accomplish. I didn't like this of course because I wanted him to have this pleasure NOW but I soon found out that this is a process in which I indeed did need to have patience.

Of all the advice I received, the most helpful has to be "training the gag reflex with your tooth brush" and this soon became a daily ritual for me. After I brush my tongue, I reach back with the head of my toothbrush until I feel myself gag. I then stop and leave it in place for 10 seconds. During this time, I concentrate on my breathing. I do this every time I brush my teeth and I almost never gag any more!

Despite doing all these things, the real test was actually performing deep throat on him in all his 8 inch glory. I am happy to report, that I have been able to get him all the way down my throat. However, my work is far from over. I still can't take him down repeatedly until he reaches orgasm. I believe the only way I can actually achieve this is with practice and I will always happy to comply with that :)

A Poem About Submission

There is something about
Being pushed up against a wall, by a strong, forceful hand
The hard cold surface of the cement against my cheekbone.
Breath caught in my throat
Hearing the growling in my ear
And trying to remember my own name

There is something about
Being held by the neck of your throat
Back flat up against the wall
Staring straight into eyes that see through you
Swallowing hard
Waiting for your heart to start beating again

There is something about
Being made to crawl across the floor
at his command, feeling the burn of the carpet punish my knees.
My mind determined to make him proud
Not hesitating, even for a second
Drawing me to Him without a word
Trembling, a whimper caught in my throat

There is something about
Being pulled roughly by my hair
Feeling that hand slink up my neck
Into my tresses, close to the scalp
Grabbing, gripping it, guttural sounds emitting from His lips
The pain not nearly as strong as the urge
The urge to obey and see my every move as part of his orchestra

There is something about
Being bitten
Pain searing through my nipple
Feeling His teeth may just pierce me
Wondering, as I cry out, if He will this time
Wondering, if I will to bleed for my Submission

There is something about
Being bent over the the counter, without warning
Without pretense, without question
My skirt flipped up, cool air hitting my hot skin
My cheeks blushing, with the same color as my ass
As He warms it with the striking of the palm of His hand
The pain searing through my brain and out to every nerve ending
Overwhelmed not by the pain but because someone has finally reached me

There is something about
Being slapped across the face
Not backhanded, but a firm crisp slap to bring about
A change in behavior
A change in attitude
To make that lovely wail come from deep in my chest
I long to make it, as He longs to hear it

There is something about
Those words He uses
Those names He calls me.
His whore, his slut, his play toy
Those phrases meant to elicit a response
And I do respond
And as always, my body betrays me.

There is something about
Being thrown down and taken
Not against my will
For my will is to be there
To please, to submit, to offer, to relinquish
And as I cry out for breath, for more, for Him
I know I am finally free.

There is something about
Kneeling quietly beside Him
My body alive with both pleasure and pain
My mind silent, for once
My head bowed, eyes closed
My lips quivering as His fingers touch me
My submission, unquestioned
My Peace at Hand

How It All Began

As I look back in retrospect, there are most definitely signs that a sexually submissive woman has lived inside of me for a long time. I'm not sure if it was by a perfect storm of events, serendipity or simply a fluke that my exploration into this crazy way of life began, all I know is that it is way too intriguing to stop now.

It was August of 2008 and I had moved to Seattle with my family one year before for my then husband's job. I'm not going to go into what a horrible match he was for me but let's just say I was definitely not happy and in retrospect, I guess I never really had been. We had been married for 12 years and being the persistent and stubborn son of a bitch I am, I always did whatever it took to make it work and keep the peace. This often included completely ignoring any of my own needs so I wouldn't have to deal with his garbage. He was a very domineering man but neither in my mind nor spirit, had I ever completely acquiesced to his control. Looking back, I now know that I probably subconsciously picked him because of this deeply ingrained, although not yet discovered desire to be sexually dominated. I just didn't have the self-awareness that I have now to know that it was actually my sexual needs that required this, not the tiresome, minute details of life.

I have known the man who I have entrusted to dominate and control my sexuality for almost four years now. This man not is the husband of whom I speak. For the purposes of my writing, I will call this man T. The way we met is not what you would call sweet, romantic or the stuff romance novels are made of but the longer I live, the more I realize my life was most likely not meant to be typical or the norm anyway.

The cold, ugly truth is that I met T on Ashley Madison. Yes, I met him on a website that promotes affairs for married people. Would I have been on there if I was happily married or had a partner where I felt free to communicate and explore all my crazy desires with? No, probably not. Was it wrong for me to be there? Yes, it probably was. I'm not here to make excuses or debate the morality of the whole situation but it happened and I have to admit I don't regret it. At times, I feel guilty that I don't regret it, but the truth is that I simply don't. I do however regret the hurt I caused my family and I realize now, I should have just ended the marriage before I explored anything else. The breakup was a long, ugly process but I firmly believe it was for the best. I am happy say that now we have learned to make our limited communication for the most part productive and life is peaceful for now.

As for the story of T and I? Our journey has been a long and arduous one to say the least. I won't go into all the details but I will just say that in nearly four crazy years, our sexual chemistry has never waned. In fact, just the opposite, it has hit heights I never dreamed existed! I will swear on my mother's grave, there has not been even ONE time that I did not achieve an orgasm with this man. Not one! In my past sexual encounters, I was never a very orgasmic, sexual woman, which makes it even all the more amazing.

Besides being incredibly sexually talented, he is also a smart, funny and highly charismatic person whom I have always enjoyed talking to and  spending time with. He instinctively seems to understand my fantasies and always encourages me to embrace them.  He is a natural leader and without fail has been able to turn every last one of them into a reality. Thanks to him, I have become in touch with my sexual side and let me tell you, I had no idea what I had been missing all these years!

For the first time in my life, I do not plot and dream of what the future may bring. I neither know, nor do I care to think about how this story will unfold. Part of my submission is that I have relinquished any control over my sexuality. It is up to him when and if he has his way with me and what that encounter may entail. It is also in his power when and if I may pleasure myself and I must always obtain his permission before hand.

This sexual domination seems to come so easily to him. I never sense hesitation or insecurity in his authority of me, only a calm, commanding presence. It is like he was born to be a dominant and has been doing it for a hundred years. I have a hard time imagining anyone else having the power or expertise to reign in the sexual tornado that is me and for all these reasons, and many more, I have given him the gift of my submission.