Thoughts on polyamory

I was reading another submissive woman's  blog, 

A reluctant bitch, where she was writing about her struggle accepting a third in her bed and it got me thinking about my own struggles. 

My journey with open sex, threesomes and compersion has been a profound one. I have come a long way from that vanilla, monogamous girl that I have been for most my life. Although I would not change a thing in the story of my journey, I still struggle with understanding that sex isn't a competition. 

It's hard to wrap my head around that just because he wants to be with others it's not because I am just not good enough. Logically, I know that isn't true but it still creeps up on me at times. That ugly feeling that if I was smarter, prettier, thinner, worked harder than the next person that I would somehow win the prize.

In my mind, part of me still believes that if I am not better at all those things, than I should get nothing until I figure out it out. Not a super fun way to live but I'm working on it. Even as I write it down, I see how silly it is but despite having changed dramatically over the last few years, I have yet to reach a point of comfort. Maybe I never will. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe it's part of what makes the pain/pleasure combination so addictive.

 

I have always searched tirelessly for answers when I need a resolution. In my travels I ran across  The Ethical Slut by Dossie Eastman. It has helped me see polyamory in a whole new light. I feel more confident that I am following the right path for me and I have come to understand how wonderful and fulfilling it can be. It also helped me break through years of thinking there is only one way to something and you know what? I have tried the long term monogamous route and could never get it to work. I just don't think it's the answer anymore. For me at least.

So for now, I will keep exploring and experimenting. Brain wiring is hard to change and that prince charming crap we are fed as little girls does a lot more harm than good. Now, here I am years later still trying to get over a lifetime of brainwashing.

 

So as far as wanting to be the best. I think I will always be that way.That is just how I'm built. I mean who doesn't want to be the winner but this situation is not a competion. It is about using each and everyway I know to ensure his his pleasure. Whether that comes from me or someone else is irrelevant as long as it he gets what he needs. So, I will continue to work on figuring out how to get over this last hurdle.
 

Something that has helped me is thinking about the joy of multiple partners the same way I would think about  varieties of exotic food, friends, or even your children. For example, say you have two friends, Both of them are awesome, fun and a trusted confidant. Why should you have to give one up and just have one friend? Seems silly, doesn't it? Isn't your life enriched by the journey you take with both? Same with children. Does it seem logical to only love one and turn away the other because it is not ok to love two at once. Why shouldn't this apply to sexual partners or even others with whom you form strong romantic bonds with as well? I personally prefer to have sex with someone I like as a person, am physically attracted to and that I have an interest in seeing again. It doesn't always have to be that way and casual is not completely out of the question, but it’s always more fulfilling to me if I have a strong interpersonal bond. Maybe that is just the old fashioned girl coming out in me :)

In my opinion, living this lifestyle has made the bond with T even stronger because of the level of trust involved. Of course you are going to feel closer to someone when you feel free to say "Hey, he/she is hot and I would love to fuck her or go out and get to know them better." 

I should quite qualify that being open sexually doesn't have to mean fucking anything that will move. That holds zero appeal for me but instead knowing that I am free to explore whoever and whatever I would like. At the moment, my focus is on T and enjoying other women together and I am doing exactly that. Months or years may go by when you are just with one person and other times you may be dating 5 people at once and that is ok! Well, I should qualify that it is ok as long as you are not promising anyone that you are monogamous with them. I have been down that road and I don't want to go down it ever again. Its sneaky, dishonest and is probably going to end badly. If someone says you have to be with just me and no one else and I will leave you if you don't do the same, then it may not be the right person for you. It's better if you find this out sooner rather than later.

This story is far from over and I'm not sure what is going to happen but does anyone, kinky or monogamous, really know how it will all turn out?

Rituals you can practice to prove your dedication to your Submission

Rituals are very important when you are submissive. The repetitiveness keeps the brain wired to that habit. It also keeps you focused on serving your dominant. Here are a few ideas on how to prove just how dedicated you are to serving him.

 

Tokens of servitude - This can be a collar, jewelry or something that you can wear. These  items symbolize giving up control of your sexual being to him. Each day the you would be be required to wear something given to her by her Dom that symbolizes his ownership of you. It doesn't have to be just one item. As long as you are wearing something that was given to you by him each and every day, this would be sufficent. I believe this is an excellent reinforcement of submission. T has been so generous to his horny bitch which makes this ritual very easy for me. I have multiple necklace's, earrings, nipple ring, scarf, clothes and panties from him. More than enough to be able to wear at least one of them every day. The obvious idea behind this is that you are reminded that he controls you every time you see the item you are wearing.

Choosing your outfit for the day -  This can be either by having him choose between two outfits you to present him or if knows your wardrobe well, having him simply tell you "Wear_____ today."

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First thing in the morning and last thing before bed rituals - To many, this are the most important times to reinforce submission. They are designed so it is the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing your think about before going to sleep. One such ritual, we do is texting when I am going to bed. I have been a bit liberal about it lately and sometimes continue to do things after I have told him I am going to bed. As of this writing, I am making the vow to only text after I have done everything I need to do and I am going straight to sleep. Other such rituals include a morning text, chanting (kind of strange to me....), or a ritualized bedtime routine. Some other things that would only apply you lived together, are waking him every morning by sucking his cock or kneeling next to the bed each night and asking his permission to join him. Those last two make me especially wet when I think about them!

Menial tasks - This would include activities like cleaning, running errands or any pretty much any task your Dom may need done. Serving him dinner falls under this category and is one of my personal favorites. I have found this incredibly fulfilling to my need to serve even though it has been fairly difficult for me to pull off with much poise and grace! It requires me to concentrate during the absolute height of my horniness which is something I clearly need work on. Every time I have made dinner for him, I later remember of all the things I forgot or didn't get right and can't believe how scattered I had been all because I could not focus during my heightened state of arousal. Practicing and hopefully one day perfecting this would be a huge milestone in my goal to master self-control. My ideal would be able to concentrate long enough to present a whole meal to him flawlessly. I don't want to suppress my horniness though rather just manage it. Other ideas in this category could only be used if you lived with your Dom. Some examples would be bringing him breakfast or coffee in bed each morning, waking him in a unique and repetive way, drawing a bath etc

Research and write a weekly report on a new subject - Either the Dom or Sub would pick one subject per week (or month) that has something to do with domination, submission, sex, or other bdsm related topics.You would then write an informative report on it to present to him. The possible topics are endless. I like this idea mostly because the subject matter is of great interest to me and because I am a weirdo that likes to write reports! The paper would be due on the exact same day every week. This is a great opportunity to learn new ideas or fun things to do in the lifestyle. Buying, using and reviewing a new sex toy would be another variation on this.

Offering of Sub to others - Here the Dom reserves the right to give you to others to use as he sees fit. We have discussed this quite a bit lately and ithas caused me a lot of anxiety. It feels erotic and somewhat right to share T with a woman. There is something that really turns me on to think of him telling me exactly what I should do to her. If he says to kiss her, I would kiss her. If he says to lick her pussy, I would do so without hesitation as well as without promoting my own agenda. However, the thought of being with a man absolutely terrifies me. I can only imagine how awkward that would be. Again, not all Dom's like to share so if that is the case, this wouldn't be for you. This act holds a limited appeal to me but as the obedient little slut I am, if he decides to share me, be it with a woman or with a man, I will obey without hesitation or complaint.

Learn the art of body massage - One submissive woman I met, just recently signed up for a class on this and told me it was not too late to register if I was interested. I would enjoy learning massage because it such a sensual act and would be so relaxing for him. The benefit of this is that not only would it  be an act of serving but it would also require me to practice extreme restraint, something I consistently struggle with. Simply seeing him makes me lose immediate control of any sexual restraint. To have to strategically massage him without losing my focus and without attempting to manipulate him into fucking me immediately would be horribly difficult! I was told that massage is very task oriented when you know what you are doing. It’s not just rubbing anywhere for however long you feel like it but a process that requires time and precision.

 Gifts to your Dom - This includes either things or people to play with. I personally love other women and would love to find a long term relationship with one to compliment my relationship with T. Because of the time and effort involved as well as intimacy and acceptance needed, this is a very strong reinforcement of submission. Included here would be progress report. It helps me stay organized and keep track of the where iI am in the process of wooing any given woman. I know that not everybody has an open relationship and would never dream of sharing your Dom with other women but for those who do, it shows how seriously you takes his pleasure and the lengths that you will go to find him a plaything or even better, a new ongoing relationship for you both.

 Watching your Dom fuck someone - This would also include knowing that D is fucking someone and processing all the details. This has been a huge adrenaline rush for me and has expanded both my pain and pleasure thresholds. I been with T when he fucked someone but the it is the times he texts me moments before he is going to fuck someone surprisingly invokes more emotion. This may be due to being deprived of being fucked myself which causes wrenched envy or just a case of my deviant imagination running wild and my body responding to it. Whatever the cause, I have learned an incredible amount about myself from both scenario's. I desperately would like further opportunities to experience this mind altering experience as I know the room for my personal growth is still enormous in both situations. I am looking forward to taking it a step further and seeing him out with someone, then leaving knowing that he will be fucking her shortly. Simply seeing a picture of the woman he was going to be with stepped up the reaction \quite a bit so it will be interesting to see what physically seeing both of them together in person will be like. I also think about what it would be like to see him fuck someone in person who didn't know I was there while I must sit by quietly and watch. If we wanted to add a step before that, I could try this while watching remotely by camera as well.

These are just a few ideas's you can try to cement your submission but the possiblities are really never ending especially when you have deviant minds like T and I do :)

Finding Another Submissive Woman to Train and Serve

So as you know, T is quite skilled at coming up with new and exciting challenges designed to make this horny bitch even hornier and help me grow as a person! In my last post, I wrote about how we started a conversation about what it would be like for me to see him with another and I said before, I have mixed emotions about it.

The traditional side of me despises the idea and fills me with rage and jealously. I understand these reactions. Isn’t that how you were supposed to feel when a man whom you desire gives or receives attention from another woman? Isn’t that what society taught me is the appropriate reaction?

Yes. Jealousy and anger, I get. Not that I am a particularly jealous person but in cases such as these, why of course I would be! What caught me off guard were the other feelings this idea aroused in me. Could it be that my new found enlightened kinky side was actually intrigued with this absurd idea? Was my pussy seriously starting to tingle and grow wet in anticipation as I began to allow these thoughts to flow uncensored through my mind? Indeed, it was. It was quite tingly and wet indeed.

As surprising as it was to feel turned on by this, I know exactly why it was. There was no doubt it was directly correlated with my blossoming love of pleasure and pain. How I experience such an incredible charge when these two former polar opposite emotions now blend so effortlessly into one new and amazing sensation. It finally dawned on me that thinking of another woman pleasuring him invoked that same pain and pleasure principal that I have grown so addicted to.
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I began to embrace the discomfort as well as the arousal that this idea invoked and soon immersed myself in creating a fantasy about another woman fucking him. Soon afterwards, I had a very vivid and lovely dream about myself as well as two other submissive women serving him as we all lived happily together in a beautiful castle. There was that magnificent bond of sisterhood that I love so much between myself and the other women as well as an unwavering devotion to T. In this dream, not only did I worship, obey and serve him as I do now, but the other submissive women did so as well!

When I awoke from the dream in the middle of the night, my mind went over and over the details. I was completely enchanted by this idea of a commune (and I was quite wet as well!). I immediately wrote down everything I could remember about the dream down and emailed it to T.

He was quite pleased and liked the idea a lot! The next time we met, he asked me to pick from the following choices:

- Find anotherman to fuck in front of him

- Find a womanto pleasure in front of him

- Find anothersubmissive woman for him and I to train

So, to behonest, of these things would be very difficult for me. Let’s start first with being with another man. I had an immediate distasteful-reaction to this. I am completely trained to exclusively T’s wants, needs and techniques. How could another man ever satisfy me when I am trained only to orgasm to HIS distinct command? I could not follow another man’s orders. I don’t want to to and even if I did I have doubts that I even could! It seems completely absurd! There is no question that any other man would fail miserably at getting any kind of sexual response out of me. I can’t imagine that our reactions would harmonize what so ever. This option scares the hell out of me and fills me with great anxiety. In fact, of the three, this would absolutely be the last option I would choose.

As for being sexual with a woman? I have no experience what so ever with homosexual relations. None. I love women,. I think their bodies can be amazing works of art and have always related to them far better than men, but sexually? I don’t know. It definitely doesn’t come as naturally as sexual feelings for men do. However, I am considerably more intrigued now than I ever have been in the past with the idea so who knows? I definitely would not rule it out. The other thing pleasure with a woman has going for it is that it is a novel experience and I wouldn’t have the same comparisons that I would surely have if another man attempted to inspire even one tenth of the passion that T does.

Now, that leaves the third and final option. The training of another submissive woman to be worthy enough to serve him. This one was my first choice-immediately. Since my dream, I have often found myself fantasizing about this beautiful, almost utopian society,heavy with an aura of not only sex and obedience but of warmth, caring and intellectual stimulation. I frequently picture myselfin the role of both devoted submissive to T as well as a mentor to the otherwomen. I imagined teaching and enforcing all of his rules along with insuring they obey all of his wishes. I came up with the following list of basic rules to be followed at all times:

• -To be completely cleanly shaven and ready for him at any time.
• -No orgasms, ever, without his explicit permission.
• -Arms and legs are to be kept uncrossed at all times.
• -Learning the fine art of deep throating would behighly revered. Especially the importance of learning to control one’s gag reflex in order to swallow his 8 inch cock completely.
• -He is to be addressed as Sir by all.
• -There would be several rooms in which to sleep and we must always tell him where and at what time we would go to sleep each night.
• -Dress and any adornments would be up to his discretion. (No pants)
• -We are to practice daily with these beautiful jeweled clothespins to suppress the extreme sensitivity our nipples so we can withstand any kind treatment he may want to administer.
• -The absolute number one rule was that we were to be ready to please him any time we were summoned.

These ideas have definitely dominated my fantasies in the last week or so. Yesterday, I told T that I decided that finding a submissive to train would be my choice. He was quite pleased as that was his preferred choice as well.

I have crafted an ad and just started to post it in various places. I have even had one very lovely response already. I look forward towhere this adventure may lead. I have nodoubt it will be a thrilling and sensual experience. All experiences with T are.

Pushing my Limits. What exactly are my Boundaries?

I’ve been thinking about boundaries lately. Pushing my limits and getting out of my comfort zone. T is synonymous with all these things to me and always has been in some capacity. Recently, I was invited to attend a get together at a friend’s where a consultant comes in and pushes her overpriced purses. I always feel like I have to buy at least something at those things despite the fact that never in a million years would I have bought it myself for that price in a department store.

T has a way of texting me things that in an instant, light a fire of all consuming desire in the neural pathways of my brain and sends my pussy into a constant state of alarm. Maybe I should just call him Pavlov? His words are a bell and my body is the salivating dog.

All that aside, from first thing that morning when I texted him my outfits to choose from, until the time I went to the party, there were several texts from him that served to ramp up my horniness, including requesting I touch myself at work (but no orgasm!) and telling me of his recent fantasy where I am laying on his floor after he just fucked me waiting to be summoned again by him. He knows quite well how horribly distracted I get from his words and boy was I ever distracted that day!

By the time I got to the party, my brain and body were so completely saturated with that constant yearning that only he can inspire. I could have most likely come on command (which is something I’ve been researching heavily and will write about more very soon)but would never, ever do that without his permission.

I told him quite explicitly just how wound up and sexually ravenous he was making me and a hour before the party started I received the following text from him:

“Good. Be frenzied. Find someone at the party who you’d want me to fuck in front of you and tell me about your thoughts.”

At exactly the same moment, jealously spread though out my brain and my pussy became noticeably wetter and even more aroused. How could something make me so defensive and jealous while at the same time make my body respond with such intense sexual reactions? Could this be because pleasure and pain are so intertwined in my body as well as my mind? The scientist in me wants to know why I react this way. Why I crave it like a drug. I search endlessly for the answer but it always seems to elude me.

I take his requests VERY seriously and this would be no exception. I now was over the top horny and on a mission to find just the right woman. For the most part, the party included mostly women anywhere from their early thirties to senior citizens. I quickly zeroed in on the two most obvious candidates which I soon reduced to the one perfect woman for our mutual fantasy. I texted him my choice and briefly how it made me feel and followed it up at home with the email below:

Dear T,

So, to tell you a little bit about our Sarah. She is warm, sweet and
sexy woman but as I've gotten to know her better, I have noticed
that like with most people, things are seldom as they appear.
She is only 32 and has been married since her late teens, having
her first child before she turned 21. She is a stay at home mom and
her kids are in school all day. I have seen the slightest of cracks
in her demeanor that make me wonder if she is perhaps a bit discontent
with her life. Maybe she feels like she missed out on a lot of experiences?

She is about 5'2 and definitely on the curvy side. She will say
she could probably stand to lose a few pounds but she doesn't
come across as fat to me, just earthy and voluptuous. She has
very large breasts and these seem to be what she likes to showcase.
She has very thick, long chestnut brown hair, sparkling eyes
and an infectious smile that while not perfect, radiates charm
and intelligence. She is the kind of person that becomes more
and more attractive as you get to know her.

I get the feeling she would be very sensual and attentive in bed. I
imagine that she would be on top while fucking you. It is light in
the room and I see myself watching the ecstasy and sheer amazement
spread across her face and expressive eyes as she experiences you, a
lover far greater that she ever, even in her wildest fantasies, could
have imagined existed.

She is not a tall woman and I imagine she might feel a little pain
because of your huge cock. It hurts her at first but soon this pain
begins to morph into pleasure and she begins to just lose complete
control. Soon, just like I have every time you fucked me, she falls
into an earth shattering, life changing orgasm. I keep going back to
how her face changes throughout the process and I find my pussy
getting wetter as I think about it.

My feelings about this are complicated. I am so trained by you as
well as by myself to want to bring you pleasure at whatever the cost.
Knowing you are turned brings me waves of endorphins I never could
have dreamed. I want it. I crave it. It's like a drug. I take your
sexual pleasure very seriously and would do anything to satisfy you.
I can't explain or even fully understand why this is but I accept it
as fact and honestly I wouldn't want it any other way.

Then, there is the other part of me. This part would be jealous and
angry by seeing you enjoying her breasts, your cock hard and ready
for her pussy, her lips on the body that has the power to instantly
turn me into an orgasmic mess. Maybe I would want to grab her by
the hair and rip her off of you. Then while she lay stunned on the floor,
I would turn to devour you with those uncontrollable urges only you
know how to inspire in me.

So as you can see, these emotions are on opposite ends of the spectrum
but I feel them both so strongly! It is so strange to me. How is it
that I could feel both extremes so intensely? It doesn't make sense
or seem rational but yet it is how I feel and what is making me so
fucking horny that I am nearly the point that I can't stand it much
longer!

I think in the end I would be open to experiencing this and that I
would indeed be able to process and control myself. I believe
I have the capacity to actually accept and even savor my jealousy
and competitiveness as well as my intense pleasure that floods me
when I know you are pleased.

It dawned on me that this experience would be very similar to that
blending of pleasure and pain that you bring me in bed, which
as you know for me, compares to nothing else. You inspire me to
push myself and to try so many things…

Betsy

In reality, I don’t know if this will ever happen. However, I have come to realize that if he does desire it, I will take whatever means necessary to bring it to life and completely immerse myself in both the pain and pleasure that the encounter will most surely bring. To date, I have not had a single regret with anything I have experienced with him and have no reason to believe this would be an any exception to that.