I've never been very open with my feelings. I've always felt that if I was vulnerable and forthcoming with ugly feelings and emotions then I would have to deal with negative consequences.
I'm still not sure where this came from.
I'm pretty sure it wasn't my childhood although it has been a definite pattern throughout my life. I definitely have some moderate intimacy issues. Maybe someday I'll get around to figuring out why that is.
As always, Sir knew just how to make me feel better. My anxiety started with an accidental bruise on my eye that I didn't tell him about for fear he would stop being rough or think what we do isn't worth the hassle. I only told him because I knew he would see it. He didn't respond and I worried that my worst fear was coming true.
The second reason I was feeling off was because this woman who basically said she didn't know if she wanted to be dominated came back and changed her mind. I don't think wishy washy behavior has any place in submission and it really pisses me off! I guess I was just surprised she was accepted back so quickly and without hesitation. I hate the thought of her thinking she can use him at her whim. I don't feel she deserves Sir at all but I know that is not my decision and he knows what he is doing. I shared my thoughts about it and managed to do so respectfully despite how terrified I was that this would cost me dearly.
Fortunately, Sir reassured me that I will not be dismissed nor will I be punished for expressing my feelings but only for how I do it. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me I now understand this and feel so much safer to share with him now.
This exchange did bring up the need for Sir to create some new rules that I need to incorporate into my behavior.
The first rule is that I am not to justify, minimize or otherwise downplay my bad behavior. I never realized how often I do this! I've become much more aware of how often I do this in the last couple months but I have along way to go in changing it. I am going to work very hard on this because it will make me a better submissive and all around better person. More importantly, it wiil please Sir which is always my goal.
The second thing I am to focus on is breaking the unconscious need to defend myself from anticipated pain. I must learn to accept, embrace and enjoy anything that Sir thinks he should give me. I know the times I managed to do this, it brought me amazing pleasure. I want to find this state consistently as I know know how much pleasure it will bring both Sir and I.
I feel happy and feel even closer to Sir after talking with him. I always do. I am so grateful that I found him to submit to. He is the perfect blend of strict and sweet and I can't imagine feeling this kind of bond or desire to submit to anyone else. Our desires complement each other perfectly and I will continue to strive to be a better submissive to him.