Sir had me to come to him last Saturday night. He warned me he was in an "odd" mood and even gave me the option to leave. Of course, I said no. I would never do that no matter what he told me would happen. I'm stubborn like that. Not to mention, by the time I got there, I was so incredibly horny and could think of nothing but submitting to him. No, nothing in the world could have made me leave.
Leading up to Saturday, I had been thinking a lot about how far Sir has brought me in two years, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. I also thought about how far he would bring me in another the future. How much better will I be because of his guidance and demands? How much better will I be able to serve him, how many more uses will he have for me? Yes, I thought a lot about these things and by the time Saturday came around, I could only think about serving him and of all the lovely things he may do to me and how I want to beg for more, to beg him to do anything he wanted to me at any time, in any way.
I can't really find the exact words to describe that feeling I get in the hours and days before I know am going to see him. The cravings are physical and mental. I want it. I need it. I have to have it. It starts to consume my every thought. It's hard to calm my body and mind down enough to even sleep and when I do finally fall asleep I dream about it! I wonder if this is how a junkie needing that next fix feels? I've learned there is a name for this feeling. This is called sub frenzy is and by the time Sir told me to come to him, I was in a full blown state.
Saturday night was unique for me. We seemed to go to a deeper level. I think he felt that as well. I also cried for the first time purely out of physical pain. It happened shortly after I got to his house. I had yet to fall completely into that "subspace" yet when he pinched my nipple, the one with a ring in it. Hard. As the pain seared though my body, the damn of tears just broke. He wasn't kidding he was in a mood but he never lost control. Oh, how I admire that! He was tough on me. There is no doubt about that. I wanted to take everything he wanted to give me. I hate disappointing him. The thought of telling him no makes me shudder. Good thing that because of our connection, I know I will never have to.
It was soon after he broke me that I became completely immersed in my submission. I think the house could have been on fire and I wouldn't have noticed. I was completely under his spell and would do anything he wanted.
Sometimes, I am still surprised I was ever able to reach this point. In my normal life, it makes me extremely uncomfortable to be vulnerable. I don't usually cry and talk endlessly about my emotions and problems. I am much more likely to process them on my own. Right or wrong, that is just how I have always been. I am in control. Hence, my never ending battle. Needing to be in control and needing not to be. I suppose it is just another way I am masochistic...
So how does someone so guarded go from that to offering up themselves with no conditions and their soul on display? This has become natural for me, being completely vulnerable, showing deeply personal emotion in front of him. Not playing hard to get or playing those games people play so they have the upper hand. With him I don't want the upper hand. But why? To be honest, I am not really sure why I can be like this with Sir but I do know one thing. It involves a huge amount of trust.
I trust Sir completely. I trust him in a way I've never trusted anyone. I definitely have never shown vulnerability with anyone like I do with him. Maybe this should freak me out but oddly, it doesn't. I have seen time and time again how he "knows" just how far to push me. He takes my trust very seriously and would never fuck with it. This trust is a part of what makes our bond so strong and without that bond, we could never have come this far.
I love this path we are on. I love how it forces me to examine myself, inspires me to think about what will I do to serve and honor him, and strive to be the best submissive that I can be. I am excited to see the growth in myself, growth because of Sir, because of his training and strict demands. It has become my desire to serve Sir to the best of my ability and to prove my worthiness each and every day.
Today, I will be the best submissive for Sir by thanking him and acknowledging that I understand and appreciate his time in showing me that he owns me and he cares deeply about how I am feeling. By making sure I clearly understand that I am his property, to do what he wants with, when he wants it.
He pushes me hard, sometimes, harder than I ever thought I could be pushed, yet, he is always there waiting to pick me back up. I see that with clarity. He is not a man of flowery words, but a man of deep intense consistent action. He is my Sir and I am his, and what an incredibly lucky girl I am.