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Monday, March 3, 2014

Fighting the Green-eyed Monster

Jealousy. It's got to be one of the most exasperating, soul wrenching emotions out there. I should qualify that by saying I'm talking about irrational jealousy. It is a common killer to both one’s self worth and relationship. If not kept under control it becomes an evil demon slowly poisoning everything in sight and before you know it, it finally destroys the one thing you feared it would in the first place.
 
Before I talk any further about jealousy and what you can do to handle it, I want to say how important it is to be sure that your Dominant actually cares about your well-being and is not just some selfish asshole that wants to use and dispose of you without a second thought to your feelings.
 
I know that Sir cares about me and while he likes to make me suffer, he never would cause me serious emotional harm. He has told me many times that there is no one else like me and how lucky he feels to have me in his life. He shows me by both his words and actions that he appreciates and values what we have together and I truly believe that he does. I love how he makes sure I know that I am special to him and that he frequently tells me that I am beautiful, smart and exceptionally sexual. If I wasn't secure in how he thinks of me, I could have never have come as far into submission as I have.
 
That being said, I am not immune to jealousy and it has caused both Sir and I a lot of strife recently. I realized I needed to seriously analyze what was causing this and get it under control before it ruined everything that Sir and I have worked so hard to achieve.
 
I don't have low self-esteem or am an especially insecure person. I don't think badly of myself or walk around thinking I am inferior to other people so I had to wonder, why the horrible bouts of jealousy lately? After thinking about it, I realized that my reactions are being fueled primarily by the fear of loss. Common reactions to jealousy are fear, sadness, insecurity, anxiety. Even hatred and desire can be triggered by it. I've thought a lot about this and while all those emotions are how jealously manifests itself, what it really comes down to is the fear of loss. The worry that someone or something will be taken away from you. It is the belief that our partner’s finding pleasure elsewhere reflects a loss of interest in us. There are two main components to this fear. One is that someone else is going to be so much more useful to him that he will realize he doesn't need or want you in his life anymore. (Ouch, that would be painful!) The other part is the competitive part of human nature. Wanting to be better than anyone else. Rational or not, the thought of someone reaching higher levels of submission than me makes me literally crazy!
 
So, what is one to do? You can do nothing but that is rarely a good idea. I’ve put together a list of things that will help me keep the path to submission a clear one.
 
Understand that feeling jealous is a normal emotion. It's how you deal with it, that is important. you should start by saying to yourself, “I know that I am feeling jealous, but I don’t have to act on it.” Recognize that jealous thoughts are not always the same thing as REALITY. You may think that your partner would rather have someone else, but that doesn’t mean that he really does. Thinking and reality are often different. You may also think that because you are feeling jealous or related anxiety, that it is a “sign” that there is a real problem. This is called “emotional reasoning" and let me tell you it is more often than not, a dangerous way to make decisions.
 
Figure out why you are jealous. As I said above, take the time to really understand yourself. Are you being needlessly insecure or is there something that is a real and serious threat? Learn to know the difference.
 
Accept that you can have an emotion and allow it to be. You don’t have to “get rid of the feeling”. I've tried to do this and it just made it worse. Studies have shown that  that mindfully standing back and observing that a feeling is there can often lead to the feeling weakening on all on its own.
 
Accept that uncertainty is part of life. Many of us want to know that without a doubt our partner won't leave us but absolutely nothing is certain in life and the sooner we learn how to accept that, the more at peace we will be. Uncertainty is one of those glaring realities that we can’t really do anything about. You can never know for sure that your partner won’t lose interest and leave you. But if you accuse, demand and punish, you very well might create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Live in the moment. Enjoy what you have now. Worrying about what may be down the road is going to do nothing but take away from the pleasure of today.
 
 Know your triggers. For me is hearing him say the other person he is with is sexier, smarter, tougher, or basically better in some way than I am. I really have a hard time dealing with that. While logically I know my ego talking and it this kind of thinking is hindering my submission, I still can't quite squelch those thoughts. While I can’t prevent things from triggering me, I can have the awareness to know exactly what and why is making me feel jealous.
 
Ask for reassurance. Its ok to say "I know you are going out with "X" tonight". I am scared you will like her better and have no use for me anymore." Sir is fine with me talking about my feelings (though I don’t think I would ever talk excessively about it) but what he is not ok with is lashing out in anger, disrespect and pettiness. He wants me to feel free to discuss anything I wish as long as I do so in a calm, rational manner. If someone does not allow you to express concern, it is a huge red flag and you may want to re-examine what you are doing with that person.
 
It took me a while, but I finally understand that if I ask him something, I better be prepared to deal with his response. This is not always easy and is the point where I've gotten myself into a lot of trouble in the past. Sir is generous enough to answer all my questions and while he doesn't sugar coat his responses, he will usually tell me something he admires about me. I chose to focus on that.
 
For example, recently while he was patiently answering all my questions about a recent encounter, he said to me "She is no you". Those 4 little words transformed my attitude, gave me reassurance of my worth in his eyes and actually strengthened my desire to whole heartedly hope for his pleasure. It was an amazing transformation really.
 
On a side note, it is not Sir's responsibility to coddle me and worry about my reactions. Like so many other things he innately knows how to do, he manages to strike a perfect balance letting me both struggle and grow securely in my submission. I don’t want to ruin that dynamic by demanding constant reassurance.
 
 Find someone to talk to who will understand what you are going through. While its nice to be open with your Dominant about you feelings, don't go overboard. It's annoying for them to have to constantly reassure you and they may even grow resentful of you.  Letting things fester alone in your head with no one to help you put them in check rarely ends well either. Instead, find another submissive or poly amorous friend either online or in real life, who has gone through this and can lend the emotional support you need. Finding a friend to talk to will keep the burden off the other person. Remember, this is your issue, not theirs. If they care about you and you trust them, you should be able to talk yourself through these feelings without becoming a bore.
 
Ask for details, pictures, maybe even meet them in person. Fear of the unknown often spurs jealousy. It definitely does for me. The more I know, the I feel better I feel. It makes me feel more important and like we have a special bond where he is free to share anything with me. Now, this isn't for everyone. Some people would rather not know and that is fine. Not me. While at times it can be very difficult to hear, I feel much closer to Sir when he trusts me enough to share such things that he knows may potentially set me off. Hearing his experiences also makes it just a little bit easier the next time we encounter this situation. My hope is that with enough practice, I can truly sedate the green eyed monster.
 
Remind yourself of all the good things he likes about you. I truly believe Sir is sincere when he tells me all the sweet and wonderful things that he thinks about me. I honestly have no doubt that he means each and every word so why should I let him finding pleasure elsewhere take away from what having me in his life means to him? Understanding this just came to me recently and I’ve started to use it when I feel myself start to spiral into that dark place. A dominant chooses to have you in his life for a reason and you should be determined to embrace that and excel at that role.

Don't forget the upside of jealousy. Believe it or not,  jealousy can be exciting and invoke incredible passion! Some of my horniest times were when I really felt my jealousy without being insecure. It's not always easy to do but when I get there, the heights if ecstasy are amazing.

2 comments:

  1. I was so glad to see this post! I've been having a terrible time with jealousy while I have been trying out this polyamory lifestyle. On the one hand, I've seen time and time again how monogamy fails and I want that sense of adventure and freedom to try new things but I find myself getting so upset and insecure. Your post really me think and realize that I need to take a deeper look at myself and my situation.

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  2. I'm so glad it was helpful. You just have to be persistent and it will eventually get easier. Good Luck!

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