Late post

I forgot to post to my blog yesterday. I thought about it several times over the last couple days but in the end I forgot.

I have no excuse. No explanation. It hit me today that I completely spaced it out. The realization shot through me like lightening. I hate disappointing him. More than anyone in the world.

I didn't mention it to Sir when I realized it and I didn't mention it to him when I saw him this evening. I feel like I fucked up so much in the last couple months and I didn't want to ruin our time together. This was also not right. He is the one who brought it up. I feel terrible about it. I could go through the all the excuses about why but none of that matters. I was required to do it and I didn't. End of story. 

There will be consequences and I will gladly accept my punishment.

Contentment is a matter of where I focus my attention

Life is awesome. So many things to do, people to meet and places to go. The possibilities are endless really.

Unfortunately, it is also busy, mundane, full of responsibilities and aggravations all which can lead to a big giant bag of stress.

I know Sir has had some stress and annoyances lately (unfortunately,some of that was caused by me!) and it got me thinking. Submission is not just about obedience and doing what you are told. It is also about serving and bringing pleasure to the the one to whom you submit. By focusing on his needs without letting one's own insecurities and vanity get in the way. 

I have come across some submissive's who seem to focus an awful lot on their own needs, including myself at times. I've been guilty of focusing on how I'm feeling and what am I getting out of this. Of putting my 

wants, physical  and emotional, above his. Basically having the attitude "What have you done for me lately?"

Wow, is that so not submission or what?  

So, what is the result when I have this self centered focus? Two things. First and most importantly it puts added stress on Sir because he needs worry about things he should not have to. When he has to deal with my doubts and varying degrees of tantrums, I'm pretty sure he isn't getting much pleasure.

The second result is that it can make me feel downright miserable! At best it feels wrong, foreign, kind of like wearing clothes that don't fit and at its worst it is beyond distressing. 

This realization recently hit me like a bolt of lightening but it is really quite simple. When I think about what would please Sir and act on those intentions, I feel good. I have a deep sense of satisfaction. It just feels right. When my attention is on me and my various frivolous demands, I don't feel so good.

Before you think I'm some kind of Zen Goddess, that is always at peace and puts others needs above my own, let me tell you that is not the case. In most areas of my life, I don't have a problem doing what I need to do to get my needs met and even fight hard for what I think, right or wrong, that I deserve. Like many people, I spend a fair amount of time thinking about my needs, wants and desires and what I can do to make myself feel good. I think that is fairly normal.

It's different with Sir though. When I focus on what he wants and what would bring him pleasure, it makes me incredibly happy and content. I feel like I literally beam when he tells me I have pleased him.

While some may take advantage of that, Sir does not. He shows me respect and appreciation in return and feels good when he makes me happy as well. I know not every submissive gets that and I realize how lucky I am to have found him.

This has really started to sink in over the last week or two and I feel like I am rapidly overcoming a very difficult hurdle in submission. I always knew this in theory but never really put it together with the shift in my mood and sense of contentment. When I focus on pleasing him, I feel good when I focus on my vanity and getting what I can, I don't. 

I want to thank him again and I hope he knows how much I appreciate his patience with me. He inspires me to push through the hard stuff and my perseverance is always rewarded by a sense of  accomplishment and pride.

Six Years

Sunday evening, Sir and I went out for a delicious dinner at Sullivan's Steak House. There were two reasons for this. The first was that I lost a bet about what date Mount St Helens erupted. He said it was May 18th, 1980 but I truly thought it was my birthday, May 17th. Turns out he was right, Damn! I am usually so good with dates! I didn't mind being wrong too terribly though because win or lose, I was going to be able to share a meal with Sir and enjoy his delightful company :)

 

We decided that August 10th would be an ideal night to go. The reason August 10th was so perfect was because on that day, six years ago, in a dark Bellevue park, Sir and I met each other for the first time. I don't think anyone could have predicted the course of our journey and in my wildest dreams, I never imagined it would take the twists and turns that it did.

 

He loves a good steak and since I want only the very best for him, I researched where to find an award winning steak in Seattle. This city is flush with outstanding restaurants but after talking with several people and reading reviews, I finally settled on Sullivan's.

 

Unfortunately, there was some stress earlier in the day but by the time we got in his beautiful, brand new car and drove to the restaurant, we were both in much better moods. Sir told the server it was our six year anniversary and they took a photo of us and put it in a card signed by the staff. It was a very nice touch.

 

It was so rewarding to celebrate this six year anniversary or what Sir with his wry sense of humor, calls  our non-anniversary or affairversary. I feel so lucky that our path's crossed. There has been no one I have been able to be so honest and vulnerable with and I believe he feels the same. It makes me feel so good that he knows he can share an idea or fantasy with me and that I will do what it takes to make it come true.

 

I also wanted him to know how much I appreciate how patient he has been with me. I have struggled A LOT this summer with various things and while he always holds me accountable, he also reassures me and helps me understand how I may better handle issues in the future. He inspires me to be not just a better submissive but a better person in general. We have worked together to strengthen my submission to him and have been rewarded with amazing success. 

One of the best compliments he ever gave me was that he expects more from me than anyone else. That statement fills me with enormous pride and has helped me push through some very difficult times. I will do what ever I must to make sure that doesn't change.

 

There were times that I worried I couldn't accomplish what he wanted but without many words, he reassured me and motivated me to push past what I thought I could do. He continuously inspired me and his faith in my abilities made it possible for me to accomplish what I once thought impossible. I have experienced things I never thought I would and when I conquered something, I came out a stronger and richer human being. He reinforced how rewarding perseverance, strength and devotion to something outside of myself can be. 

 

As someone who has always had trouble being vulnerable and sharing my emotions, he created a safe environment where I could be myself. He taught me it's ok to cry in front of someone and the cathartic power of sharing my tears. I have learned to open up and expose myself in ways I never knew I could.

 

Because of him, I have learned to disregard the societal norms that never really worked for me and instead to embrace my nonconventional desires. Through his example, I slowly learned to enjoy the moment. To not ruin the present by worrying about the past or what may or many not happen in the future. Although, I still struggle  with this sometimes, it is happening less and less. By making this attitude my own, I've seen a powerful change in the quality of my life. 

 

I could go on for pages about all the wonderful things about him and the joy of having him in my life but it comes down to wanting to say this:

 

Thank you Sir for being you. You  make the world a better place and I am a better person by having known you. You have had an enormous positive impact on my life and no matter what the future may hold, my respect, admiration and gratitude for you will never change. You are cherished.

Just what I needed

It's been a long couple weeks for both Sir and I for various reasons. Some because of miscommunication on my part regarding our d/a relationship but mostly stress due to unrelated trials and tribulations. 

I personally have been stressed, overworked, and tired of keeping so many of the areas of my life running smoothly in crisis.

I was exhausted by having to be in control at work, at home and now that I think about it, everywhere. On top of that there were so many changes happening and none of them I had asked for or particularly wanted.

So, when Sir texted me last Friday and told me to come over to serve him, a huge wave of euphoria and relief swept over me. I said I would be over within our two hour agreed upon response time. 

He told me I was not say a word unless asked a direct question. This only raised my excitement level up another notch.

I quickly jumped in the shower and got over there as fast as I could getting hornier by the second as the weight of real life pressures rapidly melted away.

He told me to bring my nipple clamps and come in which being the obedient little bitch I am is exactly what I did.

What came next was the most amazing and cathartic hour I can remember. The pain was beautiful and immediately morphed into that unique concoction of pleasure. I had what seemed like endless orgasms that came without effort as soon as he said the word.

The scent of his velvet skin was  intoxicating and it was all I could do to stay grounded in reality, I felt, I listened and responded, I obeyed every command as if on auto pilot.

it was pure Utopia. 

Afterwards, I got up, slipped on my dress and walked out into the night. 

I don't remember the drive home or even falling asleep. I do remember waking up sometime during the night wondering if it was real or just a dream. One touch of my battered nipples and pussy made it obvious that what had happened was indeed very real.

I turned over with a big smile on my face and drifted off to sleep

wondering how I ever got so lucky to find such an amazing, magical man as Sir. 

What a lucky bitch am I...