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Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Guilt and Disappointment

 One of my reoccurring tasks is to post a blog entry every Wednesday. I have done this without fail since the start. It's important for me to always be above average when it comes to my submission to Sir. There is nothing worse to me than letting him down so when I realized on Thursday morning that I didn't actually publish it, I was a wreck!

I actually wrote the post a few days before. It was about recent additions to our rules so I wanted to start early so I would have the opportunity to go back and add more as I remembered them. It was as good as done and II should have just posted it early but I didn't and this was my first mistake.

On Thursday morning, I realized I forgot and immediately began to panic. I posted it immediately after I remembered but didn't tell Sir right away. Not because I hoped he wouldn't notice and that I would get away with it but because I was truly upset with myself. With anyone else, I probably would not have not even said anything. I probably wouldn't have even given it a second thought but not with him. To be truly submissive one must be transparent despite the consequences. For me, I need to do it 100% or not at all. I did tell him that evening and we both agreed that I must be punished. Unfortunately, I need consequences or I'll most likely see what I can get away with.

The next night I came to his place. Tired from traveling out east for business, he was lying up in bed. The physical and mental effect of the sight of him there hit me like like an explosion. I immediately lifted my dress and straddled him. I remember feeling my orgasm rise and willed myself to calm down a bit. The effect he has on me is mind altering and even terrifying at times. I feel out of control with the urge to devour him. The only way I can come down to reality is for him to take complete control over me which he easily does.

I sucked his cock and then we began fucking. He stopped for a second and told me he was going to let me have an orgasm but immediately after, I was to go into his closet to l get his riding crop so he could give me ten lashes with it. As soon as that sentence was out of his mouth, I came immediately. As I felt the energy rush out of my body, I forced myself up and got what he asked for.

I laid face down and he asked me why I was being punished. I answered that I broke a very clear rule. He told me I was to count the lashes. The first few were slightly painful but because I was completely lost in subspace, they actually felt pleasurable. He told me to look at him and I remember noticing that he was using more force than he ever had before. I felt proud that I could take so much for him and this made the next 4 or 5 joyfully tolerable.

I thought he was going to stop at 10 but he didn't. I remember saying "fourteen" after a searing pain shot through my body. At this point, I began to beg for him to please stop, something I've never done before. He gave me a few more and I continued to plead with him to stop.
This was pure reaction. I wasn't thinking about how that by attempting to get him to stop that I was ignoring his pleasure. This had now become about my needs.

He finally stopped but he was clearly not happy with me. He said it was obvious I wanted to be in control and he might as well just lie there so I could use him however I wanted to. I must have been a horrible turnoff to him. I told him that in no way, shape or form did I want that and I just wanted to bring him pleasure but he wasn't buying it. I apologized over and over and begged him to continue until he felt he got what he needed. He refused.

The distress I felt was off the charts. I had let him down. Again. Why is it that lately no matter how hard I try, I just can't get it right when I am in that oversexed frame of mind? Why should he have the same out of control urges for me as I do for him? I can't stop about thinking how if I could just be better, he would move mountains to sexually dominate me and I would be worthy of my submission to him. He says this is not true and he is still very much wants to fuck me but I just can't stop thinking that if I could just take more, flinch less, and stop getting so wrapped up in my own sensations then he would need it and crave it as much as I do. I know this is my own fault and that I am the only one who can fix it and I vow to keep trying until I do.

Ugh! He told me what he wanted and I didn't live up to his expectations. I ruined it for him. 

Guilt is defined as a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation. It's got to be one of the worse feelings out there.

A week later, I still have huge black and blue marks on my ass. I've never seen anything like it. He stepped it up but I did not rise to the challenge. I know my actions did not make me worthy to submit to him. Not this time. 

Fortunately, I don't accept defeat when it comes to something as important as submission. I am one stubborn bitch when I put my mind to something!

My latest failure just fuels my desire to do better. I refuse to accept mediocrity like I did that night. I can't change how much a disappointed him and ruined this particular experience but I am hopeful that he will gives me another chance so I can show him that I have learned my lesson.

I will figure this out! I have to...

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