Deep throat or Bust!

This is it. No more excuses and lame attempts. I will do this. I am going to learn to deep throat.

A few days ago when Sir was over he wanted me to suck his cock and as usual, I had a very hard time doing it sufficiently. I am not trying to make excuses but he is way bigger than average. 8 inches to be exact. Believe me, getting his cock down my throat is no easy task!

Once again, I gagged and choked and nearly lost my dinner. I also struggle with opening my mouth wide enough so my teeth don't scrape his penis. I was so frustrated and so was he. 

To be fair, he has been very patient with me when it comes to this. Over the years, I have made progress and even get it down but only briefly and never consistently. It is time I figure this out, once and for all.

The main problem is with my gag reflex. I've read a lot about this and the one thing that is an absolute must to conquer this is practice. Not practicing once every week or two but daily, consistent practice on a cock.

Unfortunately, while I would love to suck his cock daily, this is not possible. So, I needed another way to get my daily practice and I found it at Lover's.

It is a flexible 8 inch life like cock. It is intimidating to look at much less thinking about stuffing it all the way down my throat but it is what he wants. So, that's what is going to happen. 

I asked Sir what he thinks a  reasonable amount of time would be to practice each day and a date he would like me to accomplish it by. He said he would consider and let me know. 

He also said there would be a consequence if I did not. This is not your average consequence either. It is a horrible, disgusting, soul sucking act that would most likely traumatize me for a long time, maybe forever.

It's so awful that I can't even bring myself to write it down.

No. There is no way I want that to happen. This is in my control and the way I see it, there is only one option here and that is to finally become the expert deep throating bitch that Sir deserves.

New Adventures Ahead

It's been awhile since Sir and I have shared a woman and I have been thinking about it a lot lately.

 

On the last two years, we have shared 3 women. It has gotten  easier every time. In fact, the last time, while I still had some jealousy and conflicting feelings, I actually found pleasure. Both for myself and him. I remember this surprising me at the time. I was experiencing every submissive's dream. Pain and pleasure.

 

That was last September. Since then we went off on other tangents. All fulfilling in different ways.For the last few months, I have been trying to find another submissive woman. One I explore my dominate side with and to train to please Sir. This is no easy task! I recently asked Sir if I could seek just a normal MFF threesome. I have been thinking about it a lot more recently and have found myself actually wanting it. He said I could seek that but to continue looking for a submissive woman as well.

 

Well, I don't know if it was the honey moon or what but the very next day, I got replies to both of my ads!

 I was so excited but have had enough experience with women to know that this was far from a done deal! Women are tricky. They require endless communication. You need to take sure they feel special and good about themselves. Even if you do all those things, there mood can change with the wind and it's over. 

I am proceeding cautiously yet optimistically.

The first one is very young. 18. That's strange on so many levels and I have made a mental note to check her ID before anything happens. At first I was put off by this. I mean she is just a kid! But the more I communicated with her, the more I like her. She is bright, sweet and more mature than people decades older than her. She reaches out first quite a bit and I don't feel like I need to coddle her until we meet. She would like to meet Sir and next weekend. I really don't think she will back out and that's more than I can say about a lot of women I have met.

She does not know we practice D/S so that part would have to be kept under wraps. It's not my preference but I think we will enjoy the experience for exactly what it is. 

The second woman seems like a fantasy come true. She is recently divorced from a man who didn't care to explore much. Meanwhile she would be having fantasies of women and threesomes. I've only seen a pic so far but from what I can tell she is gorgeous. Long dark hair, beautiful brown eyes and milky white skin.  She says she is interested in exploring her submissive side but had no experience yet. We are meeting each other Friday night for drinks and just to get to know each other. Sir is out of town until next week so it will just be her and I.

Who knows how these scenario's turn out at this very moment, I feel like the world is full of endless possibilities!  There are so many people to meet and things to explore and I owe it all to Sir. He taken me to places I never dreamed existed and helped me unfold who I truly am. He is one of a kind amazing and I'll always be grateful I found him.

Guilt and Disappointment

 One of my reoccurring tasks is to post a blog entry every Wednesday. I have done this without fail since the start. It's important for me to always be above average when it comes to my submission to Sir. There is nothing worse to me than letting him down so when I realized on Thursday morning that I didn't actually publish it, I was a wreck!

I actually wrote the post a few days before. It was about recent additions to our rules so I wanted to start early so I would have the opportunity to go back and add more as I remembered them. It was as good as done and II should have just posted it early but I didn't and this was my first mistake.

On Thursday morning, I realized I forgot and immediately began to panic. I posted it immediately after I remembered but didn't tell Sir right away. Not because I hoped he wouldn't notice and that I would get away with it but because I was truly upset with myself. With anyone else, I probably would not have not even said anything. I probably wouldn't have even given it a second thought but not with him. To be truly submissive one must be transparent despite the consequences. For me, I need to do it 100% or not at all. I did tell him that evening and we both agreed that I must be punished. Unfortunately, I need consequences or I'll most likely see what I can get away with.

The next night I came to his place. Tired from traveling out east for business, he was lying up in bed. The physical and mental effect of the sight of him there hit me like like an explosion. I immediately lifted my dress and straddled him. I remember feeling my orgasm rise and willed myself to calm down a bit. The effect he has on me is mind altering and even terrifying at times. I feel out of control with the urge to devour him. The only way I can come down to reality is for him to take complete control over me which he easily does.

I sucked his cock and then we began fucking. He stopped for a second and told me he was going to let me have an orgasm but immediately after, I was to go into his closet to l get his riding crop so he could give me ten lashes with it. As soon as that sentence was out of his mouth, I came immediately. As I felt the energy rush out of my body, I forced myself up and got what he asked for.

I laid face down and he asked me why I was being punished. I answered that I broke a very clear rule. He told me I was to count the lashes. The first few were slightly painful but because I was completely lost in subspace, they actually felt pleasurable. He told me to look at him and I remember noticing that he was using more force than he ever had before. I felt proud that I could take so much for him and this made the next 4 or 5 joyfully tolerable.

I thought he was going to stop at 10 but he didn't. I remember saying "fourteen" after a searing pain shot through my body. At this point, I began to beg for him to please stop, something I've never done before. He gave me a few more and I continued to plead with him to stop.

This was pure reaction. I wasn't thinking about how that by attempting to get him to stop that I was ignoring his pleasure. This had now become about my needs.

He finally stopped but he was clearly not happy with me. He said it was obvious I wanted to be in control and he might as well just lie there so I could use him however I wanted to. I must have been a horrible turnoff to him. I told him that in no way, shape or form did I want that and I just wanted to bring him pleasure but he wasn't buying it. I apologized over and over and begged him to continue until he felt he got what he needed. He refused.

The distress I felt was off the charts. I had let him down. Again. Why is it that lately no matter how hard I try, I just can't get it right when I am in that oversexed frame of mind? Why should he have the same out of control urges for me as I do for him? I can't stop about thinking how if I could just be better, he would move mountains to sexually dominate me and I would be worthy of my submission to him. He says this is not true and he is still very much wants to fuck me but I just can't stop thinking that if I could just take more, flinch less, and stop getting so wrapped up in my own sensations then he would need it and crave it as much as I do. I know this is my own fault and that I am the only one who can fix it and I vow to keep trying until I do.

Ugh! He told me what he wanted and I didn't live up to his expectations. I ruined it for him. 

Guilt is defined as a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation. It's got to be one of the worse feelings out there.

A week later, I still have huge black and blue marks on my ass. I've never seen anything like it. He stepped it up but I did not rise to the challenge. I know my actions did not make me worthy to submit to him. Not this time. 

Fortunately, I don't accept defeat when it comes to something as important as submission. I am one stubborn bitch when I put my mind to something!

My latest failure just fuels my desire to do better. I refuse to accept mediocrity like I did that night. I can't change how much a disappointed him and ruined this particular experience but I am hopeful that he will gives me another chance so I can show him that I have learned my lesson.

I will figure this out! I have to...

New Rules

In real life, other people's rules are annoying. I understand they are a necessary evil but they range anywhere from mildly annoying to a huge hassle. This is not true of Sir's rules. I love his rules. I crave them and most importantly, they keep me accountable and focused on my submission. In an tumultuous, always changing world they make me feel safe and secure. 

 

I am happy to say, he has given me several new rules in the past month. 

 

- I am to wear something he gave me to bed each night. I already had the rule that I am to wear something during the day but he believes that night time when I am lying there alone in the dark is an impressionable time and what better to think about than my submission to him. Over the years, he has bought me two t-shirts from sporting events we attended. One from the Seattle Mariners and the other from the Rat City Roller Girls. He also gave me a pair of pink pajamas from Victoria's Secret which I love. I asked if he would give me some of his shirts to sleep in and he actually gave me one of his  t-shirts from Starbucks. This meant so much to me especially since it was one of his favorite's. I feel so submissive when I have it on and it has become my favorite thing to wear to bed. I love to sleep naked but I do need to ask Sir's permission. When he allows it, I usually put on one of the necklace's he gave me to satisfy that requirement.

 

- Sir does not like the colors pink and red together so he said I am not to wear these colors together. Separate is fine. It is a quirky rule but I like it :) 

- I have been doing yoga on and off for a couple of years now. While I love it in many ways, lately I haven't been going as much as I used to or should. I mentioned this to Sir who then decided from now on, I must go to class a minimum of 2 times per week. This has kept me motivated and I have gone at least twice every week with fail. It improves not only my mind but my body and I am very happy to have this as a new rule in my life.

-I need to be accountable for my actions and words. In the past, if I did or didn't do something I was supposed to, instead of simply saying I failed to do it and I take full responsibility for that, I instead would come up with all these excuses and outside road blocks to justify why. I never realized how often I did this! I must say I have become much more conscious of this. Well, at least with Sir anyway...

 

-I am not to argue or disagree with Sir. Of course, it I have something important to discuss, I may respectfully do so. This is more about those snarky argumentative remarks. For example, I am not to be late to any of our meetings. A couple of weeks ago I was to meet him at his house. He told me I was late and I immediately raised my voice and said "No I wasn't". The way I did it was not submissive at all. The funny thing is that if he hadn't pointed it out, I would never have noticed. Submission has really made me more self aware and take a hard look at ingrained behaviors. I am happy to report that last time I saw him, he told me quite pleased how far I came here. I felt that temptation arise but before I actually said something, I was able to stop myself and act properly.

 

I am quite happy he has added all of these rules and rituals and they have only make my submission stronger.