Learning to focus in a sexually charged state

Something has been nagging at me lately. Not horribly but just enough to make me feel like I'm lacking somehow. I feel like I've been selfish when I am having sex with Sir. I get so overcome by desire, including consciously trying not to cum until he tells me I am allowed to, that I lose focus of him. I don't realize it at the time because I am caught up in this tornado of sensations but later, after it's over and I am alone, I think about all the little things I should have been doing for him. Someone of his ability and sexual aura deserves to be worshiped and doted on to the exclusion of all else, especially my own selfish needs. 

I am at a loss on what to do about this? How can I remember to step out of this magical, surreal experience long enough to worship him as he deserves? During this time, nothing else in the world exists. I can only feel indescribable pleasure and obey his every command. I seriously can't think unless he tells to. While this sounds like ecstasy and trust me it is, afterwards I just don't feel like I have tended to Sir as I should have.

I admit I am weak and turn into one orgasmic mess when I am near him. I have known him for almost 6 years and we have always had this amazing sexual connection but since starting our D/S journey, he has brought me to heights that I could never have imagined. I have even been brought me to tears by how good it feels to fuck him. My theory on this is that when he released my orgasm, a surge of emotion and tears was released with it. For someone who usually keeps her emotions in check, this was frightening in a shocking, life altering way. It was a cathartic experience like none I've ever experienced.

 

I don't know if this is even an issue. It's just something I've been thinking about. He has never complained and I don't think he is suffering horribly or anything, but my ongoing goal is to always find ways to be a better a submissive for him. Complacency will never be acceptable to me which is why I will always reevaluate things to be sure I continue to provide excellent service.

I am seeing him tomorrow and I will discuss this with him. We will see if he thinks I need some fine tuning in this area and if so, how we can pull me out of his magical sexual trance long enough to duly worship him. 

Toot-Toot Blog Tour Coming Through

I was recently invited by a fellow blogger Sir Franco Bolli to participate in the “Blog Tour,” which I accept with great appreciation and pleasure. I enjoy reading a Dominant's perspective in his blog, Bound by Desire - Princess and I. 

He documents the D/S journey of he and his lovely submissive Princess. It is insightful, tender and a great role model for other's in the lifestyle. I highly recommend you check it out. 

What is the idea behind this Blog Tour?
It’s pretty simple. Answer the 4 questions about yourself and post the answers on your blog page and then invite a few other bloggers that you admire to join in on the fun and include links to their blogs on your page.

What am I working on at the moment?

Deepening my submission. I have been submitting to Sir for 2 1/2 years now and it has been an amazing experience. I have grown incredibly thanks to his being a natural born dominant who instinctively knows just how to handle me as well as my unyielding devotion to our journey. I am also working on compersion and jealousy. I've come pretty far but still have a long to go before I am satisfied. Lastly, I have been thinking about exploring my Dominant side with another woman. This would include training, mentoring and forming a bond of trust. 

Why do I write what I do?

There are several reasons I write. It helps me process and understand why submission to Sir is so important to me. It helps me identify and understand the feelings that arise during our unconventional journey. It is also important for me to document our story as a tribute to Sir and the tremendous impact he has had on my life. 

How does my writing process work?

I've always liked to write but sometimes in this crazy life, it is hard to find the time. About 2 months ago, Sir said I will write a blog post at least once per week which I now do religiously. I usually am inspired by an event, an encounter with Sir or something that we have recently experienced or are in the process of exploring.  I write about both my accomplishments as well as my struggles. I usually think about a subject for a few days, analyzing it from all angles and then finally sit down at the computer just start writing. This often requires a lot of editing afterwards!

Here are 4 bloggers I love reading and would like to invite on this tour.

Reclaiming Destiny

The World of Joolz 

Shades of Erotic Poetry  

Hyde's Kinky Girl

I am now permanently marked by Sir

Well, it finally happened. I have been permanently marked by Sir. It makes me feel happy, horny, submissive and even a bit anxious, all at the same time.

He came to my place after work to pick me up for a 6pm appointment. When had a bit of time before we had to leave so I made him his favorite drink and he proceeded to tease and make me crazy with horniness. Fortunately, he allowed me to have 3 orgasms before we left. This was a good thing because the endorphin's worked their magic and allowed me to be a bit more relaxed and focused for the evening.

All three were my favorite kind of orgasms (except for the kind I have by him fucking me of course. Nothing even comes close to that pleasure!). With these, I use the friction of an object or my hand but do not actually penetrate myself. In fact, I am not even usually naked for them. I have had these as far back as I can remember and they have always a sure-fire way to get me off. Actually, before I met Sir, they gave me more sexual satisfaction than anyone or anything else ever could.

During the last orgasm, he held his glass of ice against my pussy and told me to cum. Not one to ever disobey an order to cum I got to work. With a bit of maneuvering and just the right tilt, I was soon rewarded with a strong orgasm. It was heaven! I suspect it was the extremes of being both hot and cold that did it. I've noticed I am drawn to simultaneously feeling extreme opposites like hot and cold, pain and pleasure, emotional and physical pain, insecurity and confidence, to name just a few. I've recently become aware of just how deeply rooted these dichotomous sensations are in my sexual proclivities.

So, after Sir generously allowed me these 3 lovely orgasms, we left for our appointment. The place he chose has a great reputation. It was clean and I had a very good vibe about it. The tattoo artist was very nice and knowledgeable and I felt at ease immediately. Sir decided he wanted his mark on my left side, adjacent to my breast. I was very pleased about the location he chose. As usual, he knew just the right thing for me.

Up to this point, I hadn't been nervous about the idea that I was going to be forever marked by Sir but that changed as soon as the artist had me lie down on my side. I could feel my heart beating as I held up my shirt. My mind started racing and I tried not to anticipate what was going to happen, something I have been trying to master for Sir. The funny thing is that while it definitely hurt, the pain was way more intense when I imagined how it was going to feel. I decided to make the conscious effort to not anticipate the pain of the needle and instead just chatted with Sir about this and that. To my amazement the pain became much more manageable! This lesson really stuck with me.

Fortunately, it was all over in 15 minutes. In my mind, I thought it was going to take an hour or two so this was wonderful news. Overall, it was a great experience and I'm so glad Sir was there to share it with me. it is always easier for me to take pain with him by my side...

Afterwards, he took me for dinner down the street and then on the car ride home he had me put on my nipple clamps. He even tightened them! Ouch! By the time I got home they were pretty numb and I wasn't feeling too much pain but boy was I ever relieved when they were finally off for good.

He went on to give me so many orgasms that I lost count which is pretty typical. I told him I should get one of those hand-held counters, then I can simply click it every time I cum :)

This is my first tattoo ever and the gravity of being marked with this symbol has not gone unnoticed. It is a very well-known BDSM emblem and pretty much seals my fate as a submissive. Not that it is a bad thing! I have thought long and hard about what the impact of having a tattoo like this would be if I ever decided to go back to a vanilla life and then I realized that isn't ever going to happen. It took me so long to discover this side of me and I can say with certainty that I will never to go back into that bland, vanilla closet again!

I feel a sense of peace now as well as a fierce submission. I am marked as Sir's property which symbolizes both my devotion and how I am his to do with as he sees fit. This feels right to me and no matter what the future holds, this is something I will never regret.

 

 

 

My Birthday Tattoo

Sir surprised me by telling me that he has decided he will tattoo me for my birthday! I can’t tell you how excited I was to hear this as I have long had “branding” fantasies.

 

We have been discussing this off and on for a while now but never had a concrete plan to get it done. It is important to him that I am 100% sure that I want this his mark on my body for the rest of my life.  He needs to know that I would not regret someday even if things don't  work out between us.

 

Currently I don’t have any tattoo’s. I really never felt the need to get one until I started allowing fleeting thoughts about BDSM become full blown fantasies and finally realities. From the first mention of this idea, I can honestly say I have had no reservations at all.

 

Discovering and now living out many of my submissive fantasies has become a part of me.  An important dimension of who I am.  One that I could never suppress or deny again. It is that big.

 

Sir asked if I would like any input on what the tattoo is and where it would go and I immediately said “No” and I have not wavered from that answer. That might be strange to some but not to me. It wouldn’t mean as much to either of us if I decided those details. I completely trust him to put the right mark in the right place.

 

He hasn’t told me much about what he will pick but I am not worried. I have no doubt it will be perfect for me. Even though I don’t know what he will choose, it already signifies strength, faith, trust and devotion to me. This permanent mark on my body will signify not only the celebration of finally exploring my deepest fantasies but of someone who has had a huge and positive impact on my life. Someone who, despite where our respective paths may lead, I will respect and cherish for the rest of my life.

Holding myself accountable

I can 't say there is anything I have worked harder to conquer in the last couple years than breaking the societal programming that teaches us about the virtue's of conservative monogamy. I personally believe it isn't realistic and honestly, it isn't even something I think is particularly healthy. I think people would have a much better chance of forming life long, honest bonds if they weren't told that once you pick someone, you can never pick anything else ever again or else you are a horrible person. God forbid you have two or more romantic interests at once! If you do you are labeled a pig, dog, scumbag and 100 other negative things. It's one of the few things we encouraged not explore or try a bite of. It just doesn't seem like it should be as demonized as it is.

As passionately as I feel about the freedom to explore when and if you are so inclined, I must say it is not always easy. Sometimes thinking about Sir with others makes me think some not so very nice things. These thoughts are often fleeting and its not all bad. In fact, since Sir and I have started being open about his adventure's, I have felt so much more connected to him. I mean, how can feel safe to share your deepest fantasies and experiences not make you closer to someone? We both know there is not much off limits when it comes to discussing what we want and there is not many people I can say the same about.

This has been a gradual process but a fulfilling one. I have grown so much not only as a sexual being but as a person. It has been one of the most fufilling, emotion provoking journey's I have ever been one. There is only one thing that has hastened the process. My jealousy..

What is this thing we call jealousy? Well, I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about it, dissecting it and working to find the root of what it is and what brings it out. It comes down primarily to fear--fear of the unknown and of change, fear of losing status, fear of scarcity and of loss, and fear of abandonment. It is a reflection of our own insecurity about our worthiness, anxiety about being adequate as a friend, a lover, and doubts about our desirability to name a few.

I used to think of jealousy as a single emotion, but recently I realized it is more often several emotions that tend to get lumped together. For me personally, it can manifest as anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, agitation, sadness, paranoia, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting, feeling powerless, feeling inadequate, feeling excluded.  I found it helps to identify what the exact mix of feelings I am experiencing at any given time. Knowing what I am specifically feeling lets me subsequently demystify the exact components of my jealousy and has been a giant step towards getting a grip on things.

For every jealous feeling there is an emotion behind it that is much more significant than the jealousy itself. Many times there is often an unmet need or a deep fear that our needs will no longer be met. Recognizing those fears and unmet needs and communicating them is the key to unmasking jealousy and taking away its power. Jealousy is just the finger pointing at the fears and needs we are afraid to face and when  kicks in, it is the ancient reptilian part of our brain going into a "fight or flight" response because we feel that our very survival is threatened. This is where I have struggled. I have come up with a new strategy to use when I feel this coming on. It involves self anaysis, decompression, rational thinking and communication. We will see how it works...

It helps if when you feel jealous, you ask yourself, "What is it that I am really afraid of? What do I need to make this situation safe for me?" "What is the worst thing that could happen and how likely is that to happen?" These are some of the questions I will as not only ask myself but Sir if I feel I have escalated to a dangerous level. Fortunately, it doesn't get to this point too often but I was told that I must discuss if it does. While this is something I don't plan on having to do that often, I am glad the option is there.

Another helpful strategy I can use is remembering that what Sir and I have is not like the "average" interactions between men and women. In a monogamous lifestyle, if someone you are interested in, shows attention to someone else, that meant there was nothing for you and it was typically the end but in polyamory, you don't need to be threatened by this. Him exploring with others doesn't make me any less important. It doesn't make what we have any less special and many times it makes what we have even richer. I know this and it has helped assuage my anxiety in the past.

Sir had me come to him this weekend and the subject of this sub that he briefly had a relationship with before she decided she needed time to evaluate came up. She recently has come back and wants to continue to explore. I have mixed feelings about this and instead of taking the time to understand it myself and talk with Sir rationally about it, I was bratty about her, saying some not so nice things about her physical appearance and about her as a person. I implied she was trying to take advantage of Sir and is calling the shots with him. Basically I was acting like a character from the movie "Mean Girls". I was being manipulative, mean spirited, catty and not very submissive.

It began to eat at me. Sir didn't say anything to me about it but I knew it was wrong and terribly passive aggressive. Even if he doesn't call me out on something, the fact that I am dishonoring my submission causes me great distress. This incident was not exception.

I wrote Sir an email owning up to my behavior and apologizing. He has forgiven me but wants to consider the context of it some more. I am not sure exactly what this means but he has agreed to allow me to continue to work on this for which I am incredibly grateful.

I just want to conquer this thing! I want to be happy when he sees her or anybody else whose is a decent human being for that matter and has a meaningful experience. I want to feel proud that he is able guide her in her journey of submission and in turn become a more experienced Dominant himself. He asked me if I wanted him to stop seeing her and I didn't even have to think for a second before I said "No!" and I meant it. It makes me feel good that he cares enough to ask me but that won't solve my problems and won't help me grow. It would only postpone having to deal with the same issue somewhere else down the road when difficult feelings arise again like they inevitably will. Cutting her out would only be feeding the green-eyed monster instead of doing what I really want to do. Tame it.

I have immersed myself in learning how to process and deal with these feelings in a positive way but it seems to be taking me a long time. In this age of instant results, I often find myself getting frustrated because I just can't stop these feelings immediately. I want to instantly will it away. I am beginning to understand it is a journey and that I may have occasional set backs. I am thankful that Sir is so patient with me. This is so important to me and the better I get at it, the deeper my submission grows which is my greatest incentive to continue.

Lastly, I know each time I act out inappropriately, it weakens our bond. I am sure it makes him hesitant to share things which just serves to weaken it even more. Sir has agreed to allow me to continue this journey. We both know I have great potential matched only by my desire to succeed.

I also hope he will not keep things from me because he doesn't want me to freak out. I have noticed that it is the fear of the unknown which really makes things the hardest for me. When he shares these adventures, there is no secrets that I need to worry about. My imagination can't run wild with fear because I know the context of his adventures. When he talks of his experiences, I feel both the pain and pleasure and I savor these moments in the oddest way. After I process it, especially if I manage to do so without acting out, I feel such a sense of pride and accomplishment and it makes me feel so much closer to him. I don’t know if that is right or wrong but it is something I want. I want to push my limits and see how far I can go.

Mind Altering Subspace

D I've been thinking a lot about how nearly every time I am with Sir in a sexual capacity, I have fallen in to this euphoric state of ecstasy call subspace. When I first read about it back when we started our journey, I wondered if it was something that I would ever experience. I soon learned it was a real phenomenon and a damn awesome one at that!

It’s actually difficult to explain what subspace is especially because it is slightly different for everyone.

I would start by asking yourself these two questions. Have you ever felt a light-headed, almost floating feeling in the presence of your Dominant? During play have you ever reached a place that feels like pure happiness and submission, where you know you’d do anything?  If so, his is likely subspace.

Subspace involves a change in the person's state of mind and  may involve the following characteristics:

 

Feeling like you are unable to communicate or verbalize. Your state of mind may simply be such that you can't think enough to construct sentences or follow through on simple tasks, unless it’s your Dominant telling you to do something.

This has varying degrees of severity and at its most intense state, you might display an almost child-like simplicity in the way you deal with things.

There may be a detachment which might make it difficult to determine if you are being harmed. In other words, the person experiencing subspace may not be able to judge when to stop. They may not even be aware of any of the pain they are physically experiencing. This can be very dangerous which is why it is imperative that you trust your partner. I trust Sir with my life and well-being. I have never trusted anyone else enough to be vulnerable to them.

There is often an inability to concentrate on anything external. This means that someone experiencing subspace should probably not operate heavy machinery, drive, or make important decisions.

If you are lucky enough to be able to find subspace with a partner you can trust, make sure you savor it fully! This is not easily achieved by the average person and you should consider yourself blessed! Here is how I maximize my own experiences:

 

Relax into the sensations. Surrender not only your body but your mind.

 Allow your body to receive the pain or pleasure without any additional response or thoughts on it. This is sometimes difficult for me. I am working very hard on not anticipating anything just receiving it.

Calm your mind. It has been understood that to feel the endorphin's take hold you have to open yourself up to them. Let the pain wash over you, or the pleasure fill you overflowing.

Masochists tend to reach sub space a bit easier because they are already intense sensation junkies (this is totally me). However, don’t think that you have to be a masochist at all to reach sub space. The sense of euphoria can happen at any time.

 If you are really lucky, sometimes you can even reach subspace when you aren't even physically proximate to your Dominant. It’s commonly felt like a sense of complete devotion and service, or happiness. When you focus on service and your submission you can reach this sense of pure and primal connection to your Dominant. This connection to him, this intense focus is sub space. You may appear to have tunnel vision; your Dominant is the only thing you are centering your attention on and time seems to fade away. I've lost many hours this way. In complete service bliss. This has happened most often to me when Sir has assigned me to cum interestingly or within a certain time limit. I get tunnel vision and can think of nothing else, until I've done what he has asked. I get that same light headed feeling and pain or discomfort becomes irrelevant.

 Another example of when this happened when I knew he was somewhere getting pleasured and he had me orgasm thinking about it. He texted me right before and told me exactly what was about to happen. Just knowing that he was being pleasured at the exact same time I was cumming for him miles away was enough to set my mind reeling into subspace. When I get here it almost feels like Sir is my higher power and by devotion to him often brings me close to tears and all choked up in my submission. I feel completely connected to him in a powerful way at that moment.

How you experience sub space is completely individual. It is a personal connection to your Dominant that can never be replicated with another. It can be very edgy and intense or it can leave you feeling like you are glowing with happiness. Whatever the sensations, always allow yourself to experience it, revel in it and thank your lucky stars you are vulnerable enough to be open to this literally mind altering experience.