I actually cried during an intense sexual experience. There it is, in black and white for anyone to see. I still am not 100% sure why I was moved to tears during one of most intimate encounters you can have with another human being but I am starting to understand it little by little. I do know that something emotional was shaken loose at this time even though its exact definition and cause are still vague.
I should start by saying that I am not a crier. Especially not in front of anybody else. In my family or with anyone who knows me, I have always been seen as the strong one and I take a certain amount of pride in that. It's part of my identity.
For years, I was in a relationship where it wasn't safe to express negative emotions. No frustration, no anger, no sadness. If I did, it was met with either disappointment, shame, ridicule, or down right anger. I am not one to naturally express these emotions much anyway but soon I stopped almost completely.
As if losing the capacity to express such vital human emotions wasn't bad enough, I began to lose the positive emotions like passion and elation as well. I was even keeled all the time. I never let go enough to fully feel either pain or pleasure. I lived my life simply doing what I needed to do.
It is only in the last few years have I begun to recognize that this has been a long time problem for me. I tended to avoid anger, minimize injustices, hide myself away when I am depressed, refuse to ask for help, and would rarely reveal when I was hurt or scared. I shunned anything that could be portrayed as weak.
After years of living like this, it isn't any surprise that it would all eventually blend together, building and building until it finally burst. The end of that relationship came quickly. I had reached the point of no return. I was done and to this day, I honestly believe that leaving saved my very essence as a human being.
So, there I was. Free at last. Despite my new found freedom, I know damn well that I had years upon years of stuffed anger, frustration and resentment were corked deep within me. Years of none of my needs being met quite the way I needed them to; my emotional, physical, social, intellectual, and spiritual needs unattended, even my freedom of self-expression has been squelched. Despite all of the positive effects that came from choosing to fully live my own life has brought me, I still had a deep rooted fear of all this pent up negativity. I feared that if I gave in to it, I would lose my mind; have a nervous breakdown, or explode in ball of fury. I knew I needed a safe way to release it. I needed a safe avenue to explore my need to serve and please without being suffocated
If is safe to say that when it comes to relationships, everything I tried up to this point has been a miserable failure. Wasn't I supposed to be happy in some long term, monogamous, vanilla relationship? Why couldn't I be content marrying a rich doctor, moving to Mercer Island and attending endless cocktail parties and tennis dates? Scheduling missionary sex for every other Saturday night? Wouldn't my life be better that way? Perhaps in theory it should be, but unfortunately not for me. I now know, unequivocally, that I need more.
Today, as I control and manage my own life. I can't even begin to count how many balls I juggle at any given time or I just may drop them all. I do know that the only person I can truly count on is myself. Good or bad, that us the way it is and I am comfortable that way.
But no man is an island and my submission is one of the few places that I don't need or even want this control. I love how that while I am in this head space, I become this base creature, only experiencing the physical pleasure and pain of what he has decided will be. I exclusively follow his plan and his agenda. Who could have guessed the unmatchable high and the libido that would rival any teenage boy out there!
This journey has freed me in so many way despite how counter intuitive it sounds. How can submitting to another, giving up control and blindly obeying, free someone? Strange as it may seem, submission has taken me on a journey through the darkest parts of the sexual beast that is me: my hunger ,my lust, and my desire to connect with my darker hidden self through the flesh of another.
I have found a satisfaction in submitting than is rivaled by nothing else. I have even discovered that I take pride in my own debasement. By surrendering my will and ego to him, I have become liberated. in a way that is almost spiritual. I once read that pain and other emotional trauma can advance spirtual/pyschological causes. I thought that was just the rambling of one of those crazy, new age types but I've come to understand.
This is not to say it has been an easy journey. In fact, at times it has been down right painful, both physically and emotionally. Now before anyone gets distressed let me make clear, that while I have felt pain, it's a great pain, and I like suffering for great results
I have learned to be vulnerable. I know that he has the capacity to destroy me but I completely trust him not to. He did not get my submission by force, manipulation or by crushing my will but instead by inspiring respect and obedience. He inspires a passion that makes every encounter is a rush, with a range of emotions that astonishes me. After I am with him in a sexual situation, the release is so great that I am exhausted, often for days, and need to sleep.
So, the other night, during a rather intense encounter and without warning, I broke down and cried.
I am still tying to pinpoint exactly why the tears started flowing. On this particular night, I had quickly reached the state, where instead of being buried deep, down inside like they usually are, my emotions lingered right at the surface.
As we were in bed, he brought up a subject that has been very difficult for me to accept. He asked once again if I would suck a man's cock if he told me to. I felt the disgust well up on me at the thought of this repugnant act. I broke his gaze and instinctively pulled ever so slightly back without answering his question. This is when I felt a sharp slap land square on my left cheek.
The tears began to fall immediately. In retrospect, I can see now that this was the very moment signaling my complete handover of control.
Emotion seemed to pour out of every cell in my body. I was completely caught off guard by this. My very first thought was that my tears were due to the pain of a slap but I had taken that and more many other times without a second thought.
My next thought was about how my hesitation and lack of immediate compliance much have disappointed and frustrated him so. He does not like to have to tell me something twice, nor should he have to. We had been over this subject more than once and I knew better than to hesitate like that. What the hell was wrong with me? Hadn't I been warned repeatedly that resistance when discussing this subject would not be tolerated? My anger at myself just made the tears come faster. I hated disappointing him.
Then, came the horrifying realization that I was actually crying! Right here in the middle of this most amazing sex, I was bawling like a baby. Who had I become?
He asked me what was wrong but I honestly wasn't sure. He suggested that maybe I was crying because the slap hurt? Yes, it had hurt but I was fairly certain that wasn't why I was crying. Was it his disappointment in my lack of instant compliance? I figured this had to be why but deep down, I wasn't completely convinced.
As I desperately searched for an answer, he told me to get off of him. Fear spread throughout my body like poison. I was embarrassed and my body quickly filled with a self loathing I have rarely experienced. He held me while I tried to stop crying but to my horror, the harder I tried to stop, the harder I cried. I cursed myself. I was stronger than this. All my worse fears rose to the surface. I had freaked him out by acting like a silly little girl. I could tell he was surprised at my reaction. Maybe it was my own paranoia but I felt him pull away. I was mortified.
We talked. I explained how I hated to disappoint him. He wanted an answer to why I was crying and so did I. I now know it wasn't just one event that precipitated my reaction. It was the culmination of the past, my fear of failure, the raw intensity of the situation and my unyielding dedication of my submission to him.
I have since learned that my reaction was a positive thing. At that moment, I evolved as a person and a sexual being more than I ever dreamed possible .This journey has taught me more about life and myself than maybe anything ever has. I don't know what the future holds for me and for the first time in my life, it doesn't even matter. For now, I will embrace my life and the beauty and wonder it holds. Giving my submission to someone who seems to always innately know just how to play me has made this experience the stuff legends are made of and for that, I will be forever grateful to my Sir.