Fighting the Green-eyed Monster

Jealousy. It's got to be one of the most exasperating, soul wrenching emotions out there. I should qualify that by saying I'm talking about irrational jealousy. It is a common killer to both one’s self worth and relationship. If not kept under control it becomes an evil demon slowly poisoning everything in sight and before you know it, it finally destroys the one thing you feared it would in the first place.

 

Before I talk any further about jealousy and what you can do to handle it, I want to say how important it is to be sure that your Dominant actually cares about your well-being and is not just some selfish asshole that wants to use and dispose of you without a second thought to your feelings.

 

I know that Sir cares about me and while he likes to make me suffer, he never would cause me serious emotional harm. He has told me many times that there is no one else like me and how lucky he feels to have me in his life. He shows me by both his words and actions that he appreciates and values what we have together and I truly believe that he does. I love how he makes sure I know that I am special to him and that he frequently tells me that I am beautiful, smart and exceptionally sexual. If I wasn't secure in how he thinks of me, I could have never have come as far into submission as I have.

 

That being said, I am not immune to jealousy and it has caused both Sir and I a lot of strife recently. I realized I needed to seriously analyze what was causing this and get it under control before it ruined everything that Sir and I have worked so hard to achieve.

 

I don't have low self-esteem or am an especially insecure person. I don't think badly of myself or walk around thinking I am inferior to other people so I had to wonder, why the horrible bouts of jealousy lately? After thinking about it, I realized that my reactions are being fueled primarily by the fear of loss. Common reactions to jealousy are fear, sadness, insecurity, anxiety. Even hatred and desire can be triggered by it. I've thought a lot about this and while all those emotions are how jealously manifests itself, what it really comes down to is the fear of loss. The worry that someone or something will be taken away from you. It is the belief that our partner’s finding pleasure elsewhere reflects a loss of interest in us. There are two main components to this fear. One is that someone else is going to be so much more useful to him that he will realize he doesn't need or want you in his life anymore. (Ouch, that would be painful!) The other part is the competitive part of human nature. Wanting to be better than anyone else. Rational or not, the thought of someone reaching higher levels of submission than me makes me literally crazy!

 

So, what is one to do? You can do nothing but that is rarely a good idea. I’ve put together a list of things that will help me keep the path to submission a clear one.

 

Understand that feeling jealous is a normal emotion. It's how you deal with it, that is important. you should start by saying to yourself, “I know that I am feeling jealous, but I don’t have to act on it.” Recognize that jealous thoughts are not always the same thing as REALITY. You may think that your partner would rather have someone else, but that doesn’t mean that he really does. Thinking and reality are often different. You may also think that because you are feeling jealous or related anxiety, that it is a “sign” that there is a real problem. This is called “emotional reasoning" and let me tell you it is more often than not, a dangerous way to make decisions.

 

Figure out why you are jealous. As I said above, take the time to really understand yourself. Are you being needlessly insecure or is there something that is a real and serious threat? Learn to know the difference.

 

Accept that you can have an emotion and allow it to be. You don’t have to “get rid of the feeling”. I've tried to do this and it just made it worse. Studies have shown that  that mindfully standing back and observing that a feeling is there can often lead to the feeling weakening on all on its own.

 

Accept that uncertainty is part of life. Many of us want to know that without a doubt our partner won't leave us but absolutely nothing is certain in life and the sooner we learn how to accept that, the more at peace we will be. Uncertainty is one of those glaring realities that we can’t really do anything about. You can never know for sure that your partner won’t lose interest and leave you. But if you accuse, demand and punish, you very well might create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Live in the moment. Enjoy what you have now. Worrying about what may be down the road is going to do nothing but take away from the pleasure of today.

 

 Know your triggers. For me is hearing him say the other person he is with is sexier, smarter, tougher, or basically better in some way than I am. I really have a hard time dealing with that. While logically I know my ego talking and it this kind of thinking is hindering my submission, I still can't quite squelch those thoughts. While I can’t prevent things from triggering me, I can have the awareness to know exactly what and why is making me feel jealous.

 

Ask for reassurance. Its ok to say "I know you are going out with "X" tonight". I am scared you will like her better and have no use for me anymore." Sir is fine with me talking about my feelings (though I don’t think I would ever talk excessively about it) but what he is not ok with is lashing out in anger, disrespect and pettiness. He wants me to feel free to discuss anything I wish as long as I do so in a calm, rational manner. If someone does not allow you to express concern, it is a huge red flag and you may want to re-examine what you are doing with that person.

 

It took me a while, but I finally understand that if I ask him something, I better be prepared to deal with his response. This is not always easy and is the point where I've gotten myself into a lot of trouble in the past. Sir is generous enough to answer all my questions and while he doesn't sugar coat his responses, he will usually tell me something he admires about me. I chose to focus on that.

 

For example, recently while he was patiently answering all my questions about a recent encounter, he said to me "She is no you". Those 4 little words transformed my attitude, gave me reassurance of my worth in his eyes and actually strengthened my desire to whole heartedly hope for his pleasure. It was an amazing transformation really.

 

On a side note, it is not Sir's responsibility to coddle me and worry about my reactions. Like so many other things he innately knows how to do, he manages to strike a perfect balance letting me both struggle and grow securely in my submission. I don’t want to ruin that dynamic by demanding constant reassurance.

 

 Find someone to talk to who will understand what you are going through. While its nice to be open with your Dominant about you feelings, don't go overboard. It's annoying for them to have to constantly reassure you and they may even grow resentful of you.  Letting things fester alone in your head with no one to help you put them in check rarely ends well either. Instead, find another submissive or poly amorous friend either online or in real life, who has gone through this and can lend the emotional support you need. Finding a friend to talk to will keep the burden off the other person. Remember, this is your issue, not theirs. If they care about you and you trust them, you should be able to talk yourself through these feelings without becoming a bore.

 

Ask for details, pictures, maybe even meet them in person. Fear of the unknown often spurs jealousy. It definitely does for me. The more I know, the I feel better I feel. It makes me feel more important and like we have a special bond where he is free to share anything with me. Now, this isn't for everyone. Some people would rather not know and that is fine. Not me. While at times it can be very difficult to hear, I feel much closer to Sir when he trusts me enough to share such things that he knows may potentially set me off. Hearing his experiences also makes it just a little bit easier the next time we encounter this situation. My hope is that with enough practice, I can truly sedate the green eyed monster.

 

Remind yourself of all the good things he likes about you. I truly believe Sir is sincere when he tells me all the sweet and wonderful things that he thinks about me. I honestly have no doubt that he means each and every word so why should I let him finding pleasure elsewhere take away from what having me in his life means to him? Understanding this just came to me recently and I’ve started to use it when I feel myself start to spiral into that dark place. A dominant chooses to have you in his life for a reason and you should be determined to embrace that and excel at that role.

Don't forget the upside of jealousy. Believe it or not,  jealousy can be exciting and invoke incredible passion! Some of my horniest times were when I really felt my jealousy without being insecure. It's not always easy to do but when I get there, the heights if ecstasy are amazing.

Sir's Rule's

I have never been a particularly strict follower of rules and regulations. To me there are always gray areas and ways around things if need be. Considering this, it is odd that with Sir, I need them. I crave them and I will follow them to the letter of the law. In fact, the more the more rules he has for me, the happier I am and more submissive I become.

Last night Sir asked to me to meet him for dinner at an Inn in Mercer Island where we have gone to several times and I have fond memories of. As usual, I had a wonderful time. He makes me so aroused that I can hardly stand it. He is wonderful company. Charming, funny, smart and unbelievably sexy! I never could resist his charms and honestly, why would I want to? He even had me go to the restroom twice and told me to have 3 orgasms. I was so damn horny by then that I came in minutes.

 

We chatted about life in general as well as recent events in our kinky life. At some point, the subject of rules came up and he even gave me some new ones which I was quite pleased about. I thought about how I know the rules very well but had never put them together in one list so I decided I would do so.

Here is his list of Sir's rules for me. It has grown and evolved over the years and I hope it will continue to.

1. No touching Sir's pussy without permission. No touching of my tits also became a rule a little later. This includes needing to ask permission to use the nipple clamps (This recently became an invaluable tool when attempting to control my sexual urges but that is another story...)
2. No orgasms without permission.
3. Orgasms are a privilege, not a right. I may ask only when in a submissive state in which I am doing so for his pleasure. I am not to manipulate, insist or request one for selfish reasons.
4. Respond to texts within 20 minutes or notify him ahead of time that I will be out of reach.
5. Do not sleep naked unless given permission.
6. Text every night when going to bed.      
7. A weekly report of recent activities and relevant thoughts is to be emailed every Sunday night.
8. Legs, arms and mouth must be slightly open at all times in his presence.
9. Wear at least one gift from Sir every day. Choices include jewelry, panties, clothing, scarves etc. This information should be reported each night when I text that I am going to bed.
10. Always wear a skirt or dress in his presence unless given permission to do otherwise.
11. Sir has the final word. He is very fair and listens to my opinion but ultimately he decides the course of action.
12. Speak in a respectful manner and do not raise my voice.
13. Update the calendar with where I will be each night.
14. Be generally obedient. Expressing feelings is fine but there should be no excessive arguing or manipulating in order to get my way.
15. Panties must be worn at all times unless instructed otherwise.
16. Ask permission if anyone is going to use Sir's pussy.
17. I am responsible for the actions of any given submissive he decides.
18. All toys should be in working order and have working batteries installed at all times.

For the most part, I am pretty good at following these rules and it is of the upmost importance to me that I obey them. I feel horrible if I don’t. There are few feelings I dislike more than disappointing him. However, while I may not deliberately break these rules, it has occurred. Most of the time, this happens either by accident or by being careless and not paying attention.  

Without a doubt, the one that has caused me the most trouble is keeping my legs, arms and mouth slightly open at all times in his presence. This doesn’t come natural to me so I really struggle to remember and it probably has gotten me in more trouble than any other rule.

The other rule that is difficult to follow is number three. Not manipulating or insisting on an orgasm for my own selfish needs. While I have improved drastically here, I still occasionally get irritable and demanding. Most of the time when this happens is when it has been a long time since Sir has fucked me. Those demons that I work so hard to contain finally find a way out. It's not pretty and I'm often embarrassed by my reaction afterwards. Although a perpetually horny bitch like me can only go so long without it, I am getting better at controlling my urge to insist and demand sex. 

 I love my rules and take great pride in following them to prove my submission. I will always welcome any new rules and the opportunity they provide me to continue to strive to be the submissive he deserves.

The role of competition in Submission

Sir and I had a very fun but intense evening the other night. We met after work at the tavern around the corner from my place for a drink and for a couple games of pool. While I'm not much of a pool player, I did hold my own. Unfortunately, in the end, I did lose both games.
 

As he often does, Sir added an element of challenge to the game with the sole purpose of invoking anxiety in me and it works everytime. He decided that for every ball I left on the table during our pool game,  I would receive one lash with a kitchen implement. This was somewhat concerning considering my limited experience in the game but I get such a thrill when he puts my fate on the line. I love that feeling of arousal and anxiety it brings me. 

The first game I did pretty well and only left one ball on the table. It was pure luck. Most of the balls I tried to get in somehow hit another random ball on the table which then somehow went in. I really don't know how it happened,I'm just glad it did!

 

The second game, I wasn’t so lucky. I left four balls on the table giving me a grand total of 5 lashes. Sir asked if I wanted to go double or nothing. I asked if we could pick a different game for this bet. He agreed and I chose Skee Ball, one of my favorites!

 

This got my competitive juices flowing and I beat him! No lashes with a kitchen implement for me.  I was estatic to have won even though a part of me would have kind of liked that punishment. Not to worry. I was pretty sure that there was not going to be any shortage of other equally harsh punishments. Little did I know that I would soon be learning  painful yet important lesson.

 

I recently came up with the idea to pose as Sir on dating sites in order to find him other submissive women to enjoy. To my surprise, I've been having lots of fun being a man despite having to always be careful to say the right thing so not to disturb the delicate constitution most women have. Once again, I was reminded how much easier men were to deal with. You would have to do something pretty bad to offend a man enough to stop trying to fuck you.

Anyway, one of the my first email exchanges was with a woman named S. I liked her profile immediately although I was a little worried about her weight as Sir likes a more trim figure. Other than that she seemed ideal. Funny, street smart and VERY into bdsm. She is one tough chick and said that most men stop a scene before she even gets close to her pain threshold because they fear they might seriously injure her.

 

I was fascinated. I was also a bit concerned. I am always so proud when Sir says how impressed he is with how much I can take. Now, here I was introducing him to someone who possibly could take more. I struggled with this and even briefly wondered if I should just end it with her but I knew I would never do that. In the end, my submission won out like it usually does. I reminded myself that to truly be submissive, I must put his pleasure over my either my insecurity or competitiveness or in this case, both.

 

As I have said before, submission is not for the feign of heart! If you are not secure and confident in yourself, it can eat you alive. Here I was, possibly sealing my fate as a lesser pain slut. Despite this real possibility, I don’t like to win by not playing, which in this case would be getting rid of S before Sir had a chance to meet her so I chose to set up a date for the two.

 

I arranged for them to meet at a bar midway between their respective houses. Sir texted me when he got there and my head starting spinning with possible outcomes to his evening. I was curious, anxious and on edge the whole time. He seemed to have been there a lot longer than I thought he would and my mind (and much to my dismay, my pussy!) were in an uproar.Despite my distress, I managed to hold it together. I didn’t freak out and do something stupid. A skill I was not always good at.

 

Finally, I heard from him. He said she was heavier and less refined than he prefers but liked her personality and was fascinated by her cravings for intense pain. Despite, my worry about her propensity for pain, I encouraged him to go on. After all, isn’t that what one who is truly submissive would want?

 

After a few days, they decided to meet. She was going to make him dinner. Another pang. I loved to serve Sir dinner and I wondered if she could cook better, serve better and a million other things. Everything was about competition. I wanted to do everything better than her.

 

Once again, the time he was there, my mind couldn’t focus on anything else and my pussy ached for stimulation.

 

When he texted me afterwards he said she gave a lousy blow job but could sure take a beating. I had mixed feelings. I have progressed enough in my submission that I truly did find pleasure in knowing he had an enjoyable night. This is something I never thought possible because in the past that would mean I was less in his eyes. I’m  amazed at my progress here although I am still a ways from the complete submissive state I strive to achieve.

 

The other part of me was relieved that she gave a lousy blowjob and was worried that she could take more pain than I could. Definitely, not the kind of thoughts I want after working so hard on my submission! The blend of these polar opposite feelings gives me a very strange sensation that I have come to know quite well and never fails to make me insanely horny! 

 

By the time we met at the tavern, I was starved for details and asked him tons of questions. Sir is always cognizant of my feelings but he also knows that in order for him to guide me deeper into submission, sometimes I must face things that are anywhere from mildly uncomfortable to excruciating. He answered all my questions openly and with as much detail as I wanted.

 

Eventually the subject of how much pain she could take came up. He said she could take anything and everything he dished out with barely a reaction. I told him that I could take all that too and he told me point blank, that no, I couldn’t.

This immediately ignited by competitive side. What does he mean I can’t take it? I can take anything and more than that bitch can! I was taken a back by how hurt and pissed off I was about this. Did he now believe I was a wimp? Did he think I was not as good of a submissive as he once thought I was? These thoughts were horrifying to me and my reaction was to fight it. I argued with him and pouted, insisting I could take more. Not my finest submissive moment.

 

We walked back to my place and I continued on my persistent rant about how I could take more. I would show him. Despite my stubborn insistence’s, Sir was resolute in saying that I could not take as much pain as S could.

 

I don’t want to make it sound that he was being unjustly cruel. He reminded me that I was better than her in many other ways and that he actually preferred my anxiety and reaction to pain. I appreciated his words but by that point, I was so worked up that all I could think about was how someone was better at one of the most important things in the world to me. To top it off, it was about something physical! I can't count how many times I have said that I refuse to get beat by something requiring my physical abilities.  Especially when it comes to taking as much as I need to in order to insure Sir receives the pleasure he deserves.

 

At home, Sir had removed my clothes and stood behind me. I could feel the desire to cum rise up inside me and focused on controlling it. The feel of him behind me made me melt into that delicious state that only he can put me in. As I began to literally melt, I felt his fingers pinch me nipples. Hard. I never felt pain that strong before and he wasn’t stopping. As he began to twist them, I cried out in agony. It seemed like forever when he finally let go. He ordered me to the middle of the floor and told me to get into a plank. He then removed his clothes and I heard the swoosh of his belt as he pulled it through the loops. He began to strike me with it as I moved up and down in response to the blows. He told me not to get out of that plank position but to now suck his cock. My arms were so tired but I gulped him down the best I could being very careful of my teeth. I remembered how he said that S gave lousy blowjobs and this made me try even harder to get him down.

 

I’m not sure how long I stayed in the plank position but I my abs were sore for days afterwards. I fought with everything I had to stay up and take the blows of the belt. I wanted to please him. I wanted him to see my devotion and willingness to never give up. I wanted him to know I was willing to take more pain for him than anyone could including that goddamn Shannon.

 

All of the sudden my arms gave out and I fell to the floor. Immediately the tears started. He has brought me to tears before but this time was different. I was crying hard. Harder than I ever have before in front of him. I didn’t even try to stop them although I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t have been able to anyway. He had completely broken me and we both knew it. 

 

The next few moments were a blur. I was in such a state that I couldn’t even think or connect with any thoughts. He told me to go lie face down on the bed. I ran to my room and threw myself down and continue cry hysterically. A few moments later, he came in and laid on top of me and spoke to me in that calm, velvety voice that I can never resist and I felt my orgasm begin to rise again. He asked me if I was crying because the physical pain or emotional. At that moment, I was feeling overwhelmingly emotional so I told him that but looking back now I realized it was both. It took the physical pain to break me and release all the stubbornness and silly pride that I still struggle to give up. Once again, he knew exactly how to play me. Despite my despair, my respect for him grew tremendously that night.

 

I would like to say that I have totally resigned myself to being second to S in this particular category but it still irks me a bit. This difference is that I now have a different attitude than the one I had the other night. This new one allows me to be just feisty enough to do whatever it takes to bring Sir pleasure but not act like a brat when confronted with something I don't like. He taught me that my strength needs to be poured into my submission and not into being stubborn and disagreeable to him.

When I look back at that night, I now see just how profound it was. I find great satisfaction knowing that Sir and I experienced another break through on  our journey and I am more resolute than ever to someday achieve that elusive state of pure submission.

Being the best submissive bitch I can be

I'm not a fan of being vulnerable to people. In fact, I can count on one hand (ok maybe two) the times in my life that I really let myself be wide open to possible hurt. However on my quest to become the most submissive being possible for Sir and to experience the maximum amount of pleasure, I must be open 100% to the pain.

 

I went to see Sir last night and we had a particularly intense exchange complete with tears brought on by both by physical and psychological pain. Later that night when I got home, I started thinking about the different types of pain. I was curious to which kind of pain he prefers to give so I sent him a text to which he replied "Both".

 

I started to think about myself and what kind of pain I needed to reach that place in my head where I am completely possessed by him. Did I need both? As torturous as they both can be, the answer was unequivocally, yes.

I then began thinking about what it takes to truly submit to someone. Submission is something that cannot be done properly on a part time basis. At least that is the case for me. I knew pretty early on that I must live my submission in order for it to be successful. It needed to be right under the surface ready to serve at a moment’s notice and it does.

 

Recently, a woman reached out to me on one of the spinoff boards from Fetlife. She was fairly new to bdsm and was struggling. She was desperate to learn how to be a better submissive. I was flattered she asked my opinion and we chatted online quite a bit. Here are some of the attributes I shared with her. I believe they are vital for a successful submission. 

 

- Give 100%. This is something that many submissives fail to realize. Many believe it means giving only what you want to give or feel like giving. One thing it most definitely is NOT is manipulating the situation to get your way. True submission is acquiescing to his needs. It means going above and beyond...giving unselfishly until it hurts. Both physically and mentally.

 

- Check your jealousy at the door. When you decide to enter into a dominant/submissive relationship, you must learn to say goodbye to outward expressions of jealousy. Nothing can kill such a relationship faster. Your dominant may decide to have more than one submissive or even vanilla ladies he enjoys. If this is the case, you must learn to deal with it and realize that his relationship with another women does not take away from his relationship with you and may even enhance it. I know this is true for Sir and I. Knowledge of his pleasure from others has actually strengthened the our bond and deepened my submission. This frame of mind does doesn't come naturally. It takes a hell of a lot of work to achieve but I am proof that it is possible. I still struggle with it sometimes but I can usually figure out how to hold it together before too long. It's still a work in progress but I have no doubt I will triumph here.

 

- Obey your dominant. Nothing tells a dominant you care more than this. Obeying him tells him that you are willing to do anything for him. I have never refused Sir anything. I have hesitated and faltered but eventually I conquered or at least learned to manage my fear so I was able to go forth to please him. 

 

- Respect your dominant. One thing that most dominants will not tolerate is disrespect. No matter what the issue, you must always approach your dominant in a submissive manner and tone. It is fine to disagree or question something, but do it with respect. I am fairly good at this but it definitely took some getting used to. 

 

- Know your self worth. It you think poorly of yourself why should he think any different? You need a fairly high self esteem to be a submissive or else you are probably going to be miserable. I know what I am worth. I know I am a smart, caring, attractive, resourceful person with a lot to offer. I understand quite well that I have a thousand other options but this is what I have chosen for myself. My burning desire is to be dominated and used for his pleasure and I throw everything I am into serving him. 

Submission will test your self esteem and you need to be strong to endure it at times. Of course, make sure your Dominant respects you as a fellow human being before you put yourself in such a vulnerable position. I am fortunate in that Sir often reminds me that I am beautiful, smart and amazingly strong. I know he genuinely likes and respects me as a person. I trust him with my life and know he would never be careless with my submission. 

I am honored to serve him and all this makes me one lucky bitch :)

Why is it so hard to keep my legs uncrossed?

Last evening, Sir and I met at a lovely restaurant overlooking Eastlake Union. I know from being at nearby restaurants that the view is fantastic although in the darkness I could only see a few scattered lights. I arrived early as I always do for Sir. This is just  one of the many bad habits he has broke me of.

Just the anticipation of seeing him made me wet with desire. When he walked in, his commanding presence took my breath away as it always does. I was now in full submission mode or so I thought.

A few weeks ago, he informed me that there were going to be some new rules. One of these was that I am not to cross my legs or arms and must always keep my mouth open on his presence. He didn't specify why and while it is not ever my place to question him I suspect the thought behind this rule is to symbolize how I am to always be open and available for his use and to show submission.

I am having a horrible time following this rule and to be honest, until now, I haven't put much effort into it and it shows. At dinner, I crossed my legs 3 times! Needless to say, Sir was not pleased and informed me that there would be absolutely no orgasms until he decided I was punished enough for my discretion. I started to disagree with him and justify my actions but just one look from him was enough to stop me in my tracks.

I can't tell you how horrible I felt for disappointing him! I hate it! He is always fair and gives very clear cut instructions. Why couldn't I follow this rule? Why couldn't I stop crossing my god damn legs?

I know better than to give an excuse. There is none. I fucked up. He gave me simple instructions and I didn't follow them but the social scientist in me wanted to know the reason why. I knew it couldn't be that  unconsciously I wanted to disobey him because it brings me nothing but misery, both physical and mental and it my always goal to avoid that kind of pain, especially the mental anguish. I know some subs who like to act bratty and get off on the negative attention that follows but that is just not me. I take my commitment so seriously that I would never deliberately disobey just to get attention.

So what was it? I thought and thought about it and this is the conclusion I came to. Aside from Sir's natural dominant abilities which are far superior to any I have ever seen or or heard about, my ability to submit is largely successful because of my normally stubborn nature. I have set my mind to submit and therefore my will naturally follow suit. This along with his programing almost guarantees success, at least eventually. 

As we said goodbye in the parking garage I was one big horny, chemical mess! I always am it when I am near him. As soon as he touched me and I smelled his intoxicating scent, I was a goner. My pussy was throbbing and I lost all train of thought. I wanted to ravage him, drink in all his dominant energy, be consumed. Unfortunately, my body must have not gotten the memo about how much trouble I was in. He had to be quite firm with me, making me keep my hands to my side. I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust and with that he was gone.

I really didn't want to sit home and try to squelch my raging desire but I really didn't want to go anywhere else either. So, I paced the floors and tried all the tricks in my well stocked arsenal to try to calm myself. I managed to distract myself briefly but the urges always returned quickly. My cravings were both physical and mental. The most dangerous kind, I was frustrated but I also knew I couldn't blame Sir or anyone else for my predicament. It was my fault and my fault alone. Eventually I fell asleep exhausted but firm in my resolve to become a better submissive..

When my alarm went off this morning, I was horny immediately but then the reasons why came to me so I got up resigned to my fate and even a little proud to be suffering for Sir. Work was crazy from the start and if wasn't long before I noticed my legs were crossed. God dammit! What was my problem?  I grabbed two small pieces of tape rolled them up so the sticky part was on both sides and placed a piece on the outside of each thigh.

These pieces of tape did their job of reminding me to stop crossing my legs 4 times in the morning alone but by the afternoon it only happened twice and tonight while I was out with a kinky friend it didn't happen at all! I know I am not out of the woods yet though. I plan on using this tape until I go at least 24 hours without breaking the rule.

I am determined to get this!

 

A gathering of submissive women

Recently, I have been expanding my horizons in the bdsm world. I originally started becoming more involved in order to meet women that Sir and I could enjoy but I soon found it had the added benefit of strengthening my submission to Sir. 

I have become more active on Fetlife including attending some of the many events going on in the Seattle area. A few months back I met a very nice submissive woman who invited me to join her and other submissive ladies who occasionally get together and talk about both the ecstasy and the challenges of submission.

 

I have one particular roadblock that has been weighing on my mind lately and was hoping to get some advice from women that have the same burning desires as I do. Despite being very obedient to Sir  there has been one specific thing that when he asks me about it, I can't seem to acquiesce to immediately. He asks me if I would pleasure another man if he told me to and as recently as this past Saturday, I still stammered and showed contempt at the very mention of it. I never outright say no and eventually agree but we both know my submission is seriously lacking here. In most other realms, it has become instant, I don't think about what he desires, I simply comply. It may sound crazy and if I didn't trust him 100%, I might think it was pretty fucked up myself. But this has become part of my nature, especially recently. It is who I am and who I always wanted to be even though it took a long time for me to realize it.

 

Someone asked what has worked to strengthen my submission 

up to this point. I thought about it and this is what I came up with. 

 - Daily rituals. Well actually that would be ritual as I only have one that I do every single day and that is text when I go to bed. This ensures that it is last thing I think about on any given day. 

- Overwhelming horniness. My baseline is always horny anyway but I'm referring to that frenzied sexual energy that possesses me and I can think of nothing but all the amazing things he does to me. My symptoms become physical at this point as well. My pussy throbs and clenches uncontrollably and I get wet. At this stage I am usually waiting for him to grant permission for an orgasm or trying to delay asking him because I think it may be a bad time to bother him.

- My weekly report due every Sunday on the progress of my search for for another woman to play with.

- Hearing unexpectantly from him. Sometimes I hear from him out of the blue and he will text something he wants me to do or even better, something he has been thinking about that he would like to see happen for example, wear a sheer blouse or branding. He doesn't do this very often but when he does, my mind becomes fixated on whatever idea he has dreamed up and what I can do to ensure that this particular desire comes to fruition. Other times he surprised me by texting photos of himself, both sexual and non-sexual. This nearly puts me over the edge! My craving to submit and serve surges at these times.

- Having him choose my outfit. He asks me to take photos of myself in two different outfits and he then decides which I will wear that day. This also includes undergarments or even better, lack of undergarments. If he does decide I am not to wear panties, I am even more aroused all day which in turn reminds me of my dedication to serving him. 

- Serving him. I don't get the opportunity to this as much as I would like but a good example would be making and serving him dinner.

 

- Writing on my blog or Twitter. Also, reading about others kinky experiences. This fills my head lots of new and exciting ideas that I would love to try.

- Conquering a challenge he has given me. This is probably the number one thing that strengthens my submission. The pride I feel when I please him is overwhelming and to accomplish a difficult task just makes me want to do more to please. The ones that stick out in my mind are finding another woman and being alone with a woman. When I finally succeeded in my mission, the pride and satisfaction I felt was greater than words can describe.

So, needless to say, the girls were impressed with my journey especially because it was the first time in my life that I have done it. They could tell I take my submission very seriously but did have a few suggestions I hadn't thought of. Here are a few if them:

- Do more. More rituals. More serving. Basically more of everything I listed above. I love this idea and would gladly do anything he asked but ultimately it is up to Sir the frequency of any and all and activities. They suggested I tell him I can take as much as he can give. I am fairly certain he knows I would do just about anything to give him pleasure. I would hope he would never hold back in pushing me. I embrace and savor every single act of submission I have experienced for him and can't even imagine anything he asks being too much.

- On the flip side of serving, is learning to wait patiently for him to lead. Dominants don't want to feel like they HAVE to communicate when they really don't want to. If a submissive tries using guilt or manipulation to serve herself by getting him to serve her, this is a turnoff which will in turn strain your connection and possibly even  sabotage submission. I was told several times that one of the most difficult but also most important skills a submissive can possess is to know when the dominant wants silence or solitude. Learn to respect this and more importantly learn to know without being told to simply lay low and be quiet for awhile.

- The last piece of useful advice I learned was to practice particularly difficult scenario's in your head until it becomes second nature. Several times a day, I am to imagine him asking me to suck another man's cock and picture myself agreeing immediately in a calm, peaceful manner, finding contentment in his pleasure of how I submit so completely to him.

It was a wonderful night and I really enjoyed myself. It is so nice to talk to people who understand my nonconventional desires. I look forward to incorporating these gems of wisdom into my never ending quest to strengthen my submission so I can give Sir exactly what he deserves.

 

 

Constant Cravings

I am constantly craving the opportunity to  serve Him. I can never get enough. The problem is that life is busy and serving him can’t always happen as often as I would like. This gets me so frustrated and distracted. I try not to complain or make demands on him but sometimes I just have no idea how to deal with it. A few times it has gotten so bad that I thought I might be crazy!

 

This feeling also creates this discordant state in my head. I mean doesn’t being submissive consist of me serving his needs, not the other way around? Does having my own agenda making me a lesser submissive? I have a hard time knowing where the line is. I know he cares that I am getting what I need and he an innate abililty to know just how far to push me. I guess I just get scared I will push and cross the line and we all know what happens at that point!

 

It is hard to believe that there was ever a time in my life that I had no interest in sex. Now I can’t get enough! I actually crave it like a drug and when I can’t get it, the withdrawals get increasingly worse until he takes me again. It is during these withdrawals that I usually get myself into trouble. I get irritable and have to fight the urge to demand it from him. It was almost easier when I thought that if I never had sex again, that would be just fine. Despite the fact that it was easier that way, I know I could never go back to that after knowing a passion such as the one Sir inspires.

 

Even though my struggle is as difficult as ever, I have recently learned to reign in my emotions. Well, at least of the manifestations that my emotions give birth to. I don't ignore them, I just don't let them make me irrational. I don’t whine or complain and I definitely don’t demand things from him. I do let him know in the most respectable manner I can that my need to serve is starting to become overwhelming. He already knows all too well that I always want to serve him and am constantly horny but he is good at sensing that it is worse than usual.

 

He has been slowly teaching me that I can take more than I think I can and that it is even possible to find pleasure in the waiting. We will see if I can truly master that skill. I have my doubts but then again, there is nothing he has wanted me to learn that I haven't.