This morning I remembered that I had a post due. I felt a bit overwhelmed. I didn't have anything to say and it seemed a daunting task. I thought about just writing a generic article about some bdsm topic but my heart wasn't in it. I let this thought settle. It didn't settle well.
On a whim, I decided to ask if I could skip writing a blog post today. I wasn't going to skip all together. I just wanted an extension in hopes I would be inspired soon.
As soon as I pressed "send" I regretted it. This was a horrible, terrible, tragic idea! This was a lethal dose of poison to something very important to me and something Sir and I have spent years trying to cultivate. If I missed writing this today, soon I would miss something else, then something else and before I knew it, I would be completely rewired to submit only when it was easy or convenient which as anyone knows, isn't submission at all.
This thought shook me. Hard. I NEVER stop just because something is difficult. At least when it comes to this. If I didn't write a post today, I might as well just hang up my nipple clamps and join team vanilla. Resign myself to a life of bland sex and wishy-washy roles. A life where in time I would most likely go mad because of the lack of boundaries and general malaise. I shudder to even consider it.
I really started to panic when he simply wrote back "Skip tonight".
No! That is not the answer! Patience and perseverance is the only answer. This was my mini battle to fight and my mama didn't raise no pussy. If I have a task due, nothing, especially self pity, should ever stop me from getting it done.
Fortunately, he finally told me this behavior just makes everything worse and turns him off. Now, as he himself said, that may sound harsh but it stopped me dead in my tracks and I could feel my attitude change almost immediately. Harsh or not, I respond best to someone directly stating the consequences of my behavior. If I don't like those consequences, I change my behavior. End of story. It's what I need.
Of course, I am only human and I need compassion and empathy as much a the next person but not in this situation. I need to know that I have gone too far. I am grateful he still feels free to be that way with me.
After, the adjustment in my thinking, It started to dawn on me that perhaps my submission was not stagnate after all. In fact, maybe it was being tested more than it ever had been before. That whether or not I could handle distance and inevitable periods of difficulty in itself was a test of my devotion. I had been looking at it all wrong.
My challenge right now is not to see if I can take X amount of pain, grapple with compersion or see how horny I can get before I explode but to patiently and respectively lay low. To offer quiet assurance that he is safe to deal with what he needs to and process the difficult emotions he is feeling without any extra stress from me.
This has been a tough learning experience but I think I finally get it. My resolve has been renewed. I'm not saying it will be easy and that I won't ever struggle but I can now clearly see the bigger picture instead of getting hung up on one moment in a long journey.
I'm going to work hard on this. He deserves the best I can give and I hope he never accepts anything less from me or anyone else.