Being the best submissive bitch I can be

I'm not a fan of being vulnerable to people. In fact, I can count on one hand (ok maybe two) the times in my life that I really let myself be wide open to possible hurt. However on my quest to become the most submissive being possible for Sir and to experience the maximum amount of pleasure, I must be open 100% to the pain.

 

I went to see Sir last night and we had a particularly intense exchange complete with tears brought on by both by physical and psychological pain. Later that night when I got home, I started thinking about the different types of pain. I was curious to which kind of pain he prefers to give so I sent him a text to which he replied "Both".

 

I started to think about myself and what kind of pain I needed to reach that place in my head where I am completely possessed by him. Did I need both? As torturous as they both can be, the answer was unequivocally, yes.

I then began thinking about what it takes to truly submit to someone. Submission is something that cannot be done properly on a part time basis. At least that is the case for me. I knew pretty early on that I must live my submission in order for it to be successful. It needed to be right under the surface ready to serve at a moment’s notice and it does.

 

Recently, a woman reached out to me on one of the spinoff boards from Fetlife. She was fairly new to bdsm and was struggling. She was desperate to learn how to be a better submissive. I was flattered she asked my opinion and we chatted online quite a bit. Here are some of the attributes I shared with her. I believe they are vital for a successful submission. 

 

- Give 100%. This is something that many submissives fail to realize. Many believe it means giving only what you want to give or feel like giving. One thing it most definitely is NOT is manipulating the situation to get your way. True submission is acquiescing to his needs. It means going above and beyond...giving unselfishly until it hurts. Both physically and mentally.

 

- Check your jealousy at the door. When you decide to enter into a dominant/submissive relationship, you must learn to say goodbye to outward expressions of jealousy. Nothing can kill such a relationship faster. Your dominant may decide to have more than one submissive or even vanilla ladies he enjoys. If this is the case, you must learn to deal with it and realize that his relationship with another women does not take away from his relationship with you and may even enhance it. I know this is true for Sir and I. Knowledge of his pleasure from others has actually strengthened the our bond and deepened my submission. This frame of mind does doesn't come naturally. It takes a hell of a lot of work to achieve but I am proof that it is possible. I still struggle with it sometimes but I can usually figure out how to hold it together before too long. It's still a work in progress but I have no doubt I will triumph here.

 

- Obey your dominant. Nothing tells a dominant you care more than this. Obeying him tells him that you are willing to do anything for him. I have never refused Sir anything. I have hesitated and faltered but eventually I conquered or at least learned to manage my fear so I was able to go forth to please him. 

 

- Respect your dominant. One thing that most dominants will not tolerate is disrespect. No matter what the issue, you must always approach your dominant in a submissive manner and tone. It is fine to disagree or question something, but do it with respect. I am fairly good at this but it definitely took some getting used to. 

 

- Know your self worth. It you think poorly of yourself why should he think any different? You need a fairly high self esteem to be a submissive or else you are probably going to be miserable. I know what I am worth. I know I am a smart, caring, attractive, resourceful person with a lot to offer. I understand quite well that I have a thousand other options but this is what I have chosen for myself. My burning desire is to be dominated and used for his pleasure and I throw everything I am into serving him. 

Submission will test your self esteem and you need to be strong to endure it at times. Of course, make sure your Dominant respects you as a fellow human being before you put yourself in such a vulnerable position. I am fortunate in that Sir often reminds me that I am beautiful, smart and amazingly strong. I know he genuinely likes and respects me as a person. I trust him with my life and know he would never be careless with my submission. 

I am honored to serve him and all this makes me one lucky bitch :)

Why is it so hard to keep my legs uncrossed?

Last evening, Sir and I met at a lovely restaurant overlooking Eastlake Union. I know from being at nearby restaurants that the view is fantastic although in the darkness I could only see a few scattered lights. I arrived early as I always do for Sir. This is just  one of the many bad habits he has broke me of.

Just the anticipation of seeing him made me wet with desire. When he walked in, his commanding presence took my breath away as it always does. I was now in full submission mode or so I thought.

A few weeks ago, he informed me that there were going to be some new rules. One of these was that I am not to cross my legs or arms and must always keep my mouth open on his presence. He didn't specify why and while it is not ever my place to question him I suspect the thought behind this rule is to symbolize how I am to always be open and available for his use and to show submission.

I am having a horrible time following this rule and to be honest, until now, I haven't put much effort into it and it shows. At dinner, I crossed my legs 3 times! Needless to say, Sir was not pleased and informed me that there would be absolutely no orgasms until he decided I was punished enough for my discretion. I started to disagree with him and justify my actions but just one look from him was enough to stop me in my tracks.

I can't tell you how horrible I felt for disappointing him! I hate it! He is always fair and gives very clear cut instructions. Why couldn't I follow this rule? Why couldn't I stop crossing my god damn legs?

I know better than to give an excuse. There is none. I fucked up. He gave me simple instructions and I didn't follow them but the social scientist in me wanted to know the reason why. I knew it couldn't be that  unconsciously I wanted to disobey him because it brings me nothing but misery, both physical and mental and it my always goal to avoid that kind of pain, especially the mental anguish. I know some subs who like to act bratty and get off on the negative attention that follows but that is just not me. I take my commitment so seriously that I would never deliberately disobey just to get attention.

So what was it? I thought and thought about it and this is the conclusion I came to. Aside from Sir's natural dominant abilities which are far superior to any I have ever seen or or heard about, my ability to submit is largely successful because of my normally stubborn nature. I have set my mind to submit and therefore my will naturally follow suit. This along with his programing almost guarantees success, at least eventually. 

As we said goodbye in the parking garage I was one big horny, chemical mess! I always am it when I am near him. As soon as he touched me and I smelled his intoxicating scent, I was a goner. My pussy was throbbing and I lost all train of thought. I wanted to ravage him, drink in all his dominant energy, be consumed. Unfortunately, my body must have not gotten the memo about how much trouble I was in. He had to be quite firm with me, making me keep my hands to my side. I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust and with that he was gone.

I really didn't want to sit home and try to squelch my raging desire but I really didn't want to go anywhere else either. So, I paced the floors and tried all the tricks in my well stocked arsenal to try to calm myself. I managed to distract myself briefly but the urges always returned quickly. My cravings were both physical and mental. The most dangerous kind, I was frustrated but I also knew I couldn't blame Sir or anyone else for my predicament. It was my fault and my fault alone. Eventually I fell asleep exhausted but firm in my resolve to become a better submissive..

When my alarm went off this morning, I was horny immediately but then the reasons why came to me so I got up resigned to my fate and even a little proud to be suffering for Sir. Work was crazy from the start and if wasn't long before I noticed my legs were crossed. God dammit! What was my problem?  I grabbed two small pieces of tape rolled them up so the sticky part was on both sides and placed a piece on the outside of each thigh.

These pieces of tape did their job of reminding me to stop crossing my legs 4 times in the morning alone but by the afternoon it only happened twice and tonight while I was out with a kinky friend it didn't happen at all! I know I am not out of the woods yet though. I plan on using this tape until I go at least 24 hours without breaking the rule.

I am determined to get this!