As I look back in retrospect, there are most definitely signs that a sexually submissive woman has lived inside of me for a long time. I'm not sure if it was by a perfect storm of events, serendipity or simply a fluke that my exploration into this crazy way of life began, all I know is that it is way too intriguing to stop now.
It was August of 2008 and I had moved to Seattle with my family one year before for my then husband's job. I'm not going to go into what a horrible match he was for me but let's just say I was definitely not happy and in retrospect, I guess I never really had been. We had been married for 12 years and being the persistent and stubborn son of a bitch I am, I always did whatever it took to make it work and keep the peace. This often included completely ignoring any of my own needs so I wouldn't have to deal with his garbage. He was a very domineering man but neither in my mind nor spirit, had I ever completely acquiesced to his control. Looking back, I now know that I probably subconsciously picked him because of this deeply ingrained, although not yet discovered desire to be sexually dominated. I just didn't have the self-awareness that I have now to know that it was actually my sexual needs that required this, not the tiresome, minute details of life.
I have known the man who I have entrusted to dominate and control my sexuality for almost four years now. This man not is the husband of whom I speak. For the purposes of my writing, I will call this man T. The way we met is not what you would call sweet, romantic or the stuff romance novels are made of but the longer I live, the more I realize my life was most likely not meant to be typical or the norm anyway.
The cold, ugly truth is that I met T on Ashley Madison. Yes, I met him on a website that promotes affairs for married people. Would I have been on there if I was happily married or had a partner where I felt free to communicate and explore all my crazy desires with? No, probably not. Was it wrong for me to be there? Yes, it probably was. I'm not here to make excuses or debate the morality of the whole situation but it happened and I have to admit I don't regret it. At times, I feel guilty that I don't regret it, but the truth is that I simply don't. I do however regret the hurt I caused my family and I realize now, I should have just ended the marriage before I explored anything else. The breakup was a long, ugly process but I firmly believe it was for the best. I am happy say that now we have learned to make our limited communication for the most part productive and life is peaceful for now.
As for the story of T and I? Our journey has been a long and arduous one to say the least. I won't go into all the details but I will just say that in nearly four crazy years, our sexual chemistry has never waned. In fact, just the opposite, it has hit heights I never dreamed existed! I will swear on my mother's grave, there has not been even ONE time that I did not achieve an orgasm with this man. Not one! In my past sexual encounters, I was never a very orgasmic, sexual woman, which makes it even all the more amazing.
Besides being incredibly sexually talented, he is also a smart, funny and highly charismatic person whom I have always enjoyed talking to and spending time with. He instinctively seems to understand my fantasies and always encourages me to embrace them. He is a natural leader and without fail has been able to turn every last one of them into a reality. Thanks to him, I have become in touch with my sexual side and let me tell you, I had no idea what I had been missing all these years!
For the first time in my life, I do not plot and dream of what the future may bring. I neither know, nor do I care to think about how this story will unfold. Part of my submission is that I have relinquished any control over my sexuality. It is up to him when and if he has his way with me and what that encounter may entail. It is also in his power when and if I may pleasure myself and I must always obtain his permission before hand.
This sexual domination seems to come so easily to him. I never sense hesitation or insecurity in his authority of me, only a calm, commanding presence. It is like he was born to be a dominant and has been doing it for a hundred years. I have a hard time imagining anyone else having the power or expertise to reign in the sexual tornado that is me and for all these reasons, and many more, I have given him the gift of my submission.