I just can't shake the feeling that he values his other partner more than me. She is younger, an artist and it would seem, way more appealing than I am.
He has only known her 5 or so months yet he pushes her for more even when she runs away, introduces her to his friends and family and from what I can tell, spends more time with her. I wish I could be happy for him but I can't seem to get this fucking compersion concept down! I'm jealous God dammit!
He says it is not so and that he doesn't value her more than me but if that is really true, why can't I shake this feeling? Is my intuition really that far off? I hate to bug him again with my insecurities. He is really good about listening and reassuring me but I hate being so needy and whiny! I feel like that it will eventually turn him off. I thought if maybe if I just wrote about it I would feel better.
I don't always feel this way and I know it won't last. It is just the last day or so I've been slipping into this funk. I feel so in the dark and wish I had more information. I'm frustrated and sad and definitely not living in the moment like I've been working very hard to do!
This is a tough one. I would be getting the same way. Sadly, insecurities suck. You need Him to make it better, but you have to allow Him too. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you. You're right. I should ask for reassurance. I always feel better when I do. It's just so hard! I feel guilty when I'm needy and it's not because of his reaction, he is great. It's me. It's how I'm wired.
ReplyDeleteSigh... I'll think I'll just go to bed and deal with it tomorrow...
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ReplyDeleteBetsy,
ReplyDeleteI've thought about the things i have read about your insecurity thus far. The thought occurred to me that maybe, just maybe you don't really want to share your man with another woman, for the very reasons and feelings you are going through right now. As sexy as the idea might be, there are many pitfalls i can see when a couple decides to add other people to their sex lives. Some can handle it for what it is. others, like me, would never be able to in a million years. I'd never be able to be cucked for example, and still survive in my marriage. I have no problem whatsoever about my Mistress getting sexual pleasure from things other than my body, if se so chooses, but i also know that i could never ultimately handle the knowledge of her getting that deep, primal pleasure from another man.
I've often said to her (and still do) that the only way i could handle watching another pulsing cock be the source of sexual pleasure for her, was if it was strapped to another female, and that that female would have to be submissive to her. In this way, the other girl being submissive, I wouldn't feel as though my tender heart would be at risk. If the other female was a dominant to her, i might feel that, especially if i wasn't present when they had sex. I'm a jealous creature too.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. It means a lot.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind other women for the most part. It is just when I feel that she may be more important to him than I am that I start to panic. I've had fleeting jealousy before but never the deep fear of loss that I have with this one particular person. He says not to worry so why can't I shake my insecurity? The ironic part is that I actually met with her first to assure her that he was a responsible and safe Dom and at the time, I didn't think he would even be interested in her. Boy, was I wrong!
In the past I've gotten upset about her so now he doesn't tell me much. This actually contributes to my insecurity. Fear of the unknown is worse than anything I know and I don't do well with it.
I don't always feel this miserable. I think part of my emotional state has to do with some very stressful situations in my regular life.
Ive thought a lot about this and I am confident that I am cut out for polyamory but I realize that I am going to need to feel more secure and cherished in order for it to work like it should. I hope we can work this out because I love my submissive journey and I need it to continue like I need air to breathe.
Like so much of submission, it's a work in process. Thank you again for writing. I find so much comfort from communicating with other submissive's.