Holding myself accountable

I can 't say there is anything I have worked harder to conquer in the last couple years than breaking the societal programming that teaches us about the virtue's of conservative monogamy. I personally believe it isn't realistic and honestly, it isn't even something I think is particularly healthy. I think people would have a much better chance of forming life long, honest bonds if they weren't told that once you pick someone, you can never pick anything else ever again or else you are a horrible person. God forbid you have two or more romantic interests at once! If you do you are labeled a pig, dog, scumbag and 100 other negative things. It's one of the few things we encouraged not explore or try a bite of. It just doesn't seem like it should be as demonized as it is.

As passionately as I feel about the freedom to explore when and if you are so inclined, I must say it is not always easy. Sometimes thinking about Sir with others makes me think some not so very nice things. These thoughts are often fleeting and its not all bad. In fact, since Sir and I have started being open about his adventure's, I have felt so much more connected to him. I mean, how can feel safe to share your deepest fantasies and experiences not make you closer to someone? We both know there is not much off limits when it comes to discussing what we want and there is not many people I can say the same about.

This has been a gradual process but a fulfilling one. I have grown so much not only as a sexual being but as a person. It has been one of the most fufilling, emotion provoking journey's I have ever been one. There is only one thing that has hastened the process. My jealousy..

What is this thing we call jealousy? Well, I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about it, dissecting it and working to find the root of what it is and what brings it out. It comes down primarily to fear--fear of the unknown and of change, fear of losing status, fear of scarcity and of loss, and fear of abandonment. It is a reflection of our own insecurity about our worthiness, anxiety about being adequate as a friend, a lover, and doubts about our desirability to name a few.

I used to think of jealousy as a single emotion, but recently I realized it is more often several emotions that tend to get lumped together. For me personally, it can manifest as anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, agitation, sadness, paranoia, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting, feeling powerless, feeling inadequate, feeling excluded.  I found it helps to identify what the exact mix of feelings I am experiencing at any given time. Knowing what I am specifically feeling lets me subsequently demystify the exact components of my jealousy and has been a giant step towards getting a grip on things.

For every jealous feeling there is an emotion behind it that is much more significant than the jealousy itself. Many times there is often an unmet need or a deep fear that our needs will no longer be met. Recognizing those fears and unmet needs and communicating them is the key to unmasking jealousy and taking away its power. Jealousy is just the finger pointing at the fears and needs we are afraid to face and when  kicks in, it is the ancient reptilian part of our brain going into a "fight or flight" response because we feel that our very survival is threatened. This is where I have struggled. I have come up with a new strategy to use when I feel this coming on. It involves self anaysis, decompression, rational thinking and communication. We will see how it works...

It helps if when you feel jealous, you ask yourself, "What is it that I am really afraid of? What do I need to make this situation safe for me?" "What is the worst thing that could happen and how likely is that to happen?" These are some of the questions I will as not only ask myself but Sir if I feel I have escalated to a dangerous level. Fortunately, it doesn't get to this point too often but I was told that I must discuss if it does. While this is something I don't plan on having to do that often, I am glad the option is there.

Another helpful strategy I can use is remembering that what Sir and I have is not like the "average" interactions between men and women. In a monogamous lifestyle, if someone you are interested in, shows attention to someone else, that meant there was nothing for you and it was typically the end but in polyamory, you don't need to be threatened by this. Him exploring with others doesn't make me any less important. It doesn't make what we have any less special and many times it makes what we have even richer. I know this and it has helped assuage my anxiety in the past.

Sir had me come to him this weekend and the subject of this sub that he briefly had a relationship with before she decided she needed time to evaluate came up. She recently has come back and wants to continue to explore. I have mixed feelings about this and instead of taking the time to understand it myself and talk with Sir rationally about it, I was bratty about her, saying some not so nice things about her physical appearance and about her as a person. I implied she was trying to take advantage of Sir and is calling the shots with him. Basically I was acting like a character from the movie "Mean Girls". I was being manipulative, mean spirited, catty and not very submissive.

It began to eat at me. Sir didn't say anything to me about it but I knew it was wrong and terribly passive aggressive. Even if he doesn't call me out on something, the fact that I am dishonoring my submission causes me great distress. This incident was not exception.

I wrote Sir an email owning up to my behavior and apologizing. He has forgiven me but wants to consider the context of it some more. I am not sure exactly what this means but he has agreed to allow me to continue to work on this for which I am incredibly grateful.

I just want to conquer this thing! I want to be happy when he sees her or anybody else whose is a decent human being for that matter and has a meaningful experience. I want to feel proud that he is able guide her in her journey of submission and in turn become a more experienced Dominant himself. He asked me if I wanted him to stop seeing her and I didn't even have to think for a second before I said "No!" and I meant it. It makes me feel good that he cares enough to ask me but that won't solve my problems and won't help me grow. It would only postpone having to deal with the same issue somewhere else down the road when difficult feelings arise again like they inevitably will. Cutting her out would only be feeding the green-eyed monster instead of doing what I really want to do. Tame it.

I have immersed myself in learning how to process and deal with these feelings in a positive way but it seems to be taking me a long time. In this age of instant results, I often find myself getting frustrated because I just can't stop these feelings immediately. I want to instantly will it away. I am beginning to understand it is a journey and that I may have occasional set backs. I am thankful that Sir is so patient with me. This is so important to me and the better I get at it, the deeper my submission grows which is my greatest incentive to continue.

Lastly, I know each time I act out inappropriately, it weakens our bond. I am sure it makes him hesitant to share things which just serves to weaken it even more. Sir has agreed to allow me to continue this journey. We both know I have great potential matched only by my desire to succeed.

I also hope he will not keep things from me because he doesn't want me to freak out. I have noticed that it is the fear of the unknown which really makes things the hardest for me. When he shares these adventures, there is no secrets that I need to worry about. My imagination can't run wild with fear because I know the context of his adventures. When he talks of his experiences, I feel both the pain and pleasure and I savor these moments in the oddest way. After I process it, especially if I manage to do so without acting out, I feel such a sense of pride and accomplishment and it makes me feel so much closer to him. I don’t know if that is right or wrong but it is something I want. I want to push my limits and see how far I can go.