A Horny Blogaversary!

This month is a blogaversery of sorts. I started this blog in May 2012 but only wrote sporadically for the first year and a half. 

November 7th, 2013 was the start of my required weekly blogpost and I've written 54 posts since! It's interesting to look back at the many adventures and struggles I've had over the last year. I conquered a lot of fears and difficult situations. Yes, I've also had my share of failures and setbacks and it was very difficult at times but I never gave up.

I'm grateful Sir enforces this writing rule. There have been so many times that writing helped me process my emotions  and I came out stronger and wiser because of it.  I'm proud of my progress and often don't give myself enough credit but I must say,  I am one damn tough and resilient bitch! I don't know many people who could take on all the deeply ingrained programming and work through the growing pains. I have Sir to thank for helping me get this far and look forward to seeing what else we can conquer together.

I've been super horny lately! It started with that huge gorgeous moon we had last Friday. Something about a full moon really turns me on. I've always loved when the moon was full anyway but now that I have this terribly high sex drive, it has taken on a whole new meaning. 

I often thought it was a metaphor for bringing lightness into the dark which is maybe why it makes me feel so good. Who knows? All I know is that it makes me one horny bitch!

Sir did allow me one orgasm this evening which I am so grateful for. I did try to get another but no such luck...

Fortunately, we have plans to get together soon. That's the only real cure for what ails me. I would taking fucking him once over 100 orgasms by myself!

What can I say? He is just too damn talented ;)

Perserverance

Things have been difficult lately. Dark, damp and moody much like fall in Seattle. This has been mostly true for Sir but for more so than usual for me as well. I've been on this earth long enough to know how life's positive and negative energy ebb and flow. Most of the time I can ride out the difficult times but other times... Well, not so much.

This morning I remembered that I had a post due. I felt a bit overwhelmed. I didn't have anything to say and it seemed a daunting task. I thought about just writing a generic article about some bdsm topic but my heart wasn't in it. I let this thought settle. It didn't settle well.

On a whim, I decided to ask if I could skip writing a blog post today. I wasn't going to skip all together. I just wanted an extension in hopes I would be inspired soon. 

As soon as I pressed "send" I regretted it. This was a horrible, terrible, tragic idea! This was a lethal dose of poison to something very important to me and something Sir and I have spent years trying to cultivate. If I missed writing this today, soon I would miss something else, then something else and before I knew it, I would be completely rewired to submit only when it was easy or convenient which as anyone knows, isn't submission at all.

This thought shook me. Hard. I NEVER stop just because something is difficult. At least when it comes to this. If I didn't write a post today, I might as well just hang up my nipple clamps and join team vanilla. Resign myself to a life of bland sex and wishy-washy roles. A life where in time I would most likely go mad because of the lack of boundaries and general malaise. I shudder to even consider it. 

I really started to panic when he simply wrote back "Skip tonight". 

No! That is not the answer! Patience and perseverance is the only answer. This was my mini battle to fight and my mama didn't raise no pussy. If I have a task due, nothing, especially self pity, should ever stop me from getting it done.

Fortunately, he finally told me this behavior just makes everything worse and turns him off. Now, as he himself said, that may sound harsh but it stopped me dead in my tracks and I could feel my attitude change almost immediately. Harsh or not, I respond best to someone directly stating the consequences of my behavior. If I don't like those consequences, I change my behavior. End of story. It's what I need. 

Of course, I am only human and I need compassion and empathy as much a the next person but not in this situation. I need to know that I have gone too far. I am grateful he still feels free to be that way with me. 

After, the adjustment in my thinking, It started to dawn on me that perhaps my submission was not stagnate after all. In fact, maybe it was being tested more than it ever had been before. That whether or not I could handle distance and inevitable periods of difficulty in itself was a test of my devotion. I had been looking at it all wrong. 

My challenge right now is not to see if I can take X amount of pain, grapple with compersion or see how horny I can get before I explode but to patiently and respectively lay low. To offer quiet assurance that he is safe to deal with what he needs to and process the difficult emotions he is feeling without any extra stress from me.

This has been a tough learning experience but I think I finally get it. My resolve has been renewed. I'm not saying it will be easy and that I won't ever struggle but I can now clearly see the bigger picture instead of getting hung up on one moment in a long journey. 

I'm going to work hard on this. He deserves the best I can give and I hope he never accepts anything less from me or anyone else.

 

Edging and Orgasm control is beautiful

Sir has been in control of my orgasms for over 2 1/2 years now. It is impressive how well trained I am at this finely tuned skill. Not that it is always easy. There have been many times I have had to really concentrate and needed to stop suddenly while he is fucking me. This phenomenon is called edging. It is a form of orgasm control sometimes practiced just during a BDSM scene while other times it is used in a long term relationship where the orgasms are controlled 24/7. 

The submissive is brought just to the verge of having an orgasm, only to have the stimulation withdrawn and the potential orgasm delayed/denied.  Usually, this cycle of excitement and denial is repeated until the scene is concluded.  The way most people play this particular game, it’s that it is the dominant’s prerogative to determine when (or if) the submissive is allowed to orgasm.

Orgasm control is a broader term, it includes edging, tease and denial, as orgasm on demand.  It’s ultimate expression is when a submissive has been trained to orgasm on command, either with a single word (Sir most often will simply say "cum"). I've also heard of other Dom's using a hand signal as the trigger to let go and orgasm.

Edging and orgasm control are an important part of the D/S dynamic between Sir and I.  He absolutely controls all of my orgasms.  It’s been an amazing two plus years that I have required his explicit permission to  cum.  I expect, that as long as we are together, it will remain that way.  And, why wouldn't it?  It’s a very fulfilling “game@ for us to play together and has become synonymous with submission in my mind.

A lot of dominants choose orgasm control as a way of expressing their dominance, their mastery over their submissive.  I suppose that psychology does exist as a part of the dynamic between Sir and myself but I also think it is because he inspires me to want to submit to him. The compulsion to obey him is so strong that I often wonder if I can break it. I'm not sure about that and to be honest, I really have no desire to find out.

It is only upon meeting Sir that I learned I was multi-orgasmic. I would have never suspected that! Because of his training and power to inspire, I am capable of cumming again and again and again.  Often so many times that  lose count. Yes it could be said that I am one spoiled, orgasmic bitch :). 

So why would man deny a woman like me this beautiful, magical, pleasure? In this state of orgasmic bliss, I feel beautiful, I serve Sir well, and am an incredibly sexual being, So,why wouldn't he let me cum and cum and cum? Why would he want to deny me pleasure?

I guess the simple answer to that is:

Because he can.

He has that power, and he enjoys using it.  Sometimes he will tell me that he is going to use me like a whore and that it’s not about my pleasure, it’s about his. My training is so deep that I am now actually turned on by this thought. Someday, he may not allow even one orgasm when he fucks me and while that thought terrifies me, it also makes me feel submissive and turned on. 

I think I will feel a overwhelming sense of pride from that day. 

An awesome evening serving him

Life has been particularly time consuming and difficult lately especially for Sir. He has had a lot of stress and emotionally taxing situations going on. Because of the strength of my submission to him and the importance of his needs and well being to me, this makes me very sad. My brain is so wired to wanting his pleasure that when he is feeling bad, it is upsetting. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to help directly with his current issues but I can help by being a well behaved, low maintenance little bitch and that is exactly what I intend to do!

I invited him for dinner last night. I absolutely LOVE to serve him! It is so rewarding for me and it brings me so much pleasure to please him. We had such a nice time. It was hot, passionate, fun, relaxing, amusing, cathartic and many other epic emotions. It felt so good to reconnect. When I first let him at the door, I swear I felt my pussy just explode in delight! His smell seemed more intoxicating than ever. It never fails to make me swoon. I don't think I've ever "swooned" like that over anyone before but it's the one reoccurring word that comes to mind when I think about the effect of his natural scent. It's evokes this primal and animalistic reaction in me.

When we got upstairs, I continued    preparing dinner but that lasted all of 2 minutes before he summoned me over to him. It you had connected me to a voltage meter, I'm sure I would have blown the thing up! I was so fucking turned on!

I started to say how it had been so long and for this reason, he should give me a bunch of orgasms. As soon as it was out of my mouth, I realized that being demanding probably wasn't the right thing to do. He wan't happy about my presumptuous attitude and went on to tell me exactly how it was going to be. I quickly changed my mindset back to that of focusing on his pleasure. Only then did I truly feel at peace and back in the place where both he and I desire me to be.

I continue to be fascinated by this deep need to submit to him and only him. When he is in control and uses me exactly how he wants to, I feel a high like none I've ever known. Intellectually, this is very odd to me but it is who I am and what I desperately need. It is also interesting that as much as submission has become part of me, the thought of anyone else trying to dominate me is laughable at best and downright creepy at worst. It's a role that can be filled by only him. Something I accept but am also terrified by. To know he has that power of me is frightening yet magical. Life would have less meaning without it.

He was rough and dominating and fucked me hard. He told me exactly what was expected of me. I told him I understand and would be the obedient submissive bitch he needs. It felt so good and I loved how he was so tough on me. It was exactly what we both needed.  Despite my little slip in desperation earlier, he gave me many orgasms but only after warning me that I was never to demand or even suggest that he owes me orgasms or anything else for that matter. If I did, he would fuck me without letting me cum. Something that not once in six years has ever happened. I got the message loud and clear and trust me, that is a record I definitely don't want to break!

Afterwards, we both feel asleep for probably 5 or 10 minutes which doesn't happen all that often. At that moment, every fiber of my being was satisfied.

When we finally got up, dinner had cooled down but fortunately it was still salvageable. We went on to have great conversation during dinner. I love when he shares his unique perspective on things. He is funny, direct, charismatic and has this quirky, dominant personality that I find so appealing. He is who he is and makes no apologies about it. I do very well with his personality type and find it far more interesting than phony or passive types. I may not always like what he says but I almost always understand it. We work very well together and he is good for me. Not always easy, but definitely good :)

Such a Horny Bitch

I have been terribly horny lately. Since I met Sir over 6 years ago, my sex drive  has been higher than average but in the last week it has risen to dangerous levels.

It's always starts out physical. A gnawing tightness in the muscles of my pussy causing me to flex my kegel muscles. Most times I don't even realize I am clenching but the moment I do, that's when the tingling starts, which in turn fires up my vivid imagination. 

 

This has been happening all day, everyday. It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing, I'm aroused.  

As if that wasn't intense enough, it literally explodes when I hear or see something sexual! At this point, I start to get antsy, uncomfortable and feel the need to move. I'm pretty sure this isn't normal but its become absolutely normal for me.

 

I have a few theories as to why I'm hornier than usual although I am not 100% sure. My life is finally back to a calmer, more stable state after months of upheaval. Maybe because I have less stress and distractions, my body wants to take advantage of this and take on more. 

 

My second theory is that I'm so horny because I haven't been able to fuck Sir in 3 weeks! That's an eternity to my pussy! It's no wonder I'm half crazy :)

Unfortunately, life circumstances have been making this near impossible for both of us. I really hope that changes soon!

He has been so patient with my multiple requests for orgasms as well as being very generous about giving me permission. I have been asking a lot  more than I usually do although I feel that it is only a fraction of what I want to ask for. Such a horny bitch.

 

Despite how crazy it makes me to be this horny all the time, I must say I get so much satisfaction knowing that this is under his control. I love that he finds pleasure in my suffering. Although, when he tells me how much it pleases him to know my cravings are so strong, it just makes me hornier!

 

I don't mean to make it seem like I'm complaining, ungrateful or that it is even wholly a bad thing. It definitely has some benefits. Suffering and sacrifice are an important element of my submission. I feel such a sense of peace when he has me wait and trusting he knows exactly what is best for me. It makes me feel incredibly content and submissive.

Hopefully, our dry spell is over soon and I don't drive him crazy in the mean time with all my orgasm requests. 

Until then, I will wait submissively in this state of elevated arousal knowing that in good time, I'll once again know that amazing experience that words can't describe and is second to no other. 

Thank you Sir for being so patient and generous with your submissive bitch. I trust in you completely and will wait patiently to please you.

 

 

 

Feeling inspired!

The After a very long stressful week I had the much needed pleasure of meeting Sir for a drink after work. We met at The Islander in Mercer Island which is a pretty awesome place. He had me wear my blue dress with no bra or panties and by 5:45pm, I was a horny mess! As usual, when he walked in, he took my breath away and made my pussy come alive.

 

We had a nice time catching up about what was going on in our lives and then the conversation turned to how things were going when it came to the D/S aspect of our relationship. There were several things I have done in the last 6 months that resulted in consequences that I do not like but I know I only have myself to blame. Facing the fact I lost my composure and it was going to cost me brought on a feeling of hopelessness. This distressed me at first. A lot. But as I began processing what he was saying, I felt this strange, unfamiliar sense of peace come over me. Soon I began to feel strong and a deep fulfillment because I realized I just got a peek at a new level of submission. No, I didn’t get my own way but instead of moping about it and letting take on a life of its own, I chose to see it as a learning experience and a successful test of my boundaries.  

 

My only lingering concern while not nearly as strong as in was at first, is about not being challenged or becoming stagnate in my submission. Together we have come so far and I have experienced and conquered things I never dreamed possible. I feel an overwhelming anxiety when I think about losing that momentum but I trust him when he says there are many ways to foster growth and that it doesn't have to happen. Together we won’t let that happen.

 

I think what ultimately brought me to the feeling of peace is realizing that part of being a true submissive is accepting his decisions. Now, I know it sounds bad to blindly accept someone's decision but he is not just anyone and what we have is far from ordinary. I trust him in a way I have never trusted anyone and I know he cares deeply about me. He truly wants good things for me and it hurts him to see me in pain. Well, at least damaging, emotional pain :)

 

Despite, my worries about my growth being stunted, I woke up today feeling that my submission actually expanded. It was challenged and instead of shutting down or becoming upset or angry, I was  able to overcome my anxiety and insecurity to understand the bigger picture and the reasons behind his decision. My goal is to enrich his life not bring him the stress or misery which this thing has the potential to do. I realized that if it has that kind of destructive potential, I shouldn't want any part of it. Maybe someday he will feel I can handle it, but until then, I will respect his decision. I've experienced what it feels like to disappoint him and the word "traumatizing" comes to mind. I have made a commitment to myself to do everything in my power not to disappoint him or cause him undue stress and that is a commitment I intend to keep. 

 

It makes me feel so good about myself that I was able to pull it together and turn our discussion into something that in the end, strengthened my submission. It reminded me how I am strong, determined and will work tirelessly for a cause that is important to me. I eagerly do this despite obstacles that would  deter the average person because it means that much to me. 

 

I admit that for the first few minutes we talked about it, I did feel myself start to spiral into that horrible, scary place I hate to go. That ugly, dark place that tells me if I was just prettier, smarter, more interesting, a better person, etc. that these things would not be happening. I even felt myself start to shut down so I wouldn't have to feel the pain but to my surprise, these thoughts abruptly stopped. This was without any conscious effort on my part. It's hard to explain as I don’t quite understand it myself but this was definitely not a conscious act. My best guess is that because our bond and the commitment to my submission is so deep, my mind immediately knocked down any thoughts that would threaten that. I am so grateful that happened! I am sure disconnecting and putting up walls would have been a lot easier than letting myself feel discomfort, disappointment and pain but it is an inevitable death sentence with submission. I'll take the pain of growth over the feeling of nothingness any day. Holding back is a sure road to mediocrity and I'll never disrespect what we have by doing that.

 

I love how my submission always wins out in the end and fortunately for me it is happening faster all the time. This gives me less time to get myself into trouble :)

 

It's such a cool phenomenon. It is almost seems as if it has a mind of its own and a wisdom far beyond myself. It knew before I did, that if I start blocking out the hard stuff, that the amazing, life altering stuff would soon disappear as well. That is a horrible tragedy I never want to know. 

 

Sir is such an amazing person with an uncommon wisdom he uses to subtly guide me just far enough to allow me figure it out on my own. He inspires my respect and devotion not by force, anger or guilt but by simply being the unique leader that his is. He makes me want to be a better person.

 

After we talked through everything and were winding down the evening. He told me to cum. I was surprised by this and asked "What?" He said "You heard me." It's amusing how people ask "What?" when they damn well heard what was said. I suppose it buys someone a little time to react. 

 

I got up and went straight to the restroom. Fortunately, no one was in there. I went into the back stall and leaned against the wall and started to rub my pussy with my whole palm and fingers. No penetration. I prefer a friction based orgasm using pressure as opposed to a finger or two. My clitoris is way too sensitive and direct stimulation can be painful. Between my long suffering horniness and my renewed submissive mindset it took maybe all of 45 seconds for me to cum. This just enhanced the lessons of the night. Something I have no doubt he knew it would do.

 

He walked me to my car and as soon as he touched me I turned into a pool of unrestrained molecules bent on one thing. As usual, I couldn't hold back the intense desire to have him devour me, use me and take me as he pleased. Fortunately, he has atleast 1000 times the self control I have or I am sure public indecency would have ensued! 

 

I have been painfully horny ever since. I asked him about having another orgasm. He said I could ask later but the answer would most likely be no AND that that I was to sleep naked! By 10:30pm, I thought I wouldn't be able to stand another second and asked again. 

 

The answer was still no.

 

My gut reaction was to panic but soon this feeling of deep satisfaction knowing that this was bringing him pleasure washed over me. Don't get me wrong, I was still painfully horny and still am as I write this but I have the unwavering motivation to be the good girl he deserves.

Why do I need submission and is it good for me?

For me, BDSM is as much about the mind as about the sex. I can't have one without the other.

I've thought a lot about why I crave submission. What makes me need it, why and should I be concerned that something is wrong with me?

One theory about why one may get pleasure from sadomasochistic sex is that some how orgasm gets been paired with a painful experience. I'm not sure exactlyhow this first got paired for me but undoubtedly they are now forever intertwined. The pain actually increases the endorphins released by the brain. This is because the endorphin system is triggered during both orgasm and intense pain.

Another chemical responses involved in bdsm is the neurotransmitter dopamine. It regulates the  reward system in the brain. Like heroin and opiates, bdsm is so addictive because it mimics this endorphin release which makes you want to do it again. This repetition over time leads to increasingly intense cravings. Brain scans of people who identify as submissive or dominate should sharp spikes in adrenaline when exposed to bdsm porn. These same results were shown in brains of drug addicts. It would seem that bdsm can be as addictive as drugs. For me, I have no idea this is true, 

So, I am pretty sure my brain would show all these things when exposed to bdsm porn and even more to thought or direct contact with Sir! But why?

It's hard to say really. Sometimes submission and domination is just in ones blood. You like it because it is who you are and to change it would just bring at the very least, less pleasure and in some cases, absolute misery. It would seem your fetish is part of your who you are whether you got there due to nature or nurture does not matter. It is most likely both anyway.

BDSM was once thought to be a deviant mental disorder but is now viewed as perfectly healthy and even a type of meditation. It alters the flow in the brain which leads to an altered state of consciousness like runner's high or yoga. I knew there was a reason I got so obsessed with yoga :)

Is it a fetish something you can forget about? Maybe but probably not for long. It would be like pretending you are no longer hetero or homosexual. It may be controlled or subdued for a while but it is never erased.

I agree with the idea that bdsm is s mixture of nature and nurture but does this make me some kind of freak? An inferior human being with mental issues?

Well according to many different studies, the answer to that is no. In fact I am not only perfectly normal, I may also be happier and well adjusted than my vanilla friends. 

A recent Australian health study shows that couples who indulge in bdsm activities were actually happier than their non bdsm counterparts.

Another common misconception is that people who enjoy bdsm were abused as children. I never was but some people were. Studies show that both kinky and non kinky people have similar rates of childhood abuse. It doesn't seem to be a factor in determining ones sexual proclivities and is definitely not pathological symptom of past abuse just a kinky sexual interest attractive to about 2% of sexually active people.

Another thing Ive heard is that bdsm participants are emotionally damaged and unable to connect sexually in a normal way. A 2009 study for that CONSENUAL bdsm showed that participants actual report increased bonding and have lower cortisol levels which is a physiological indicator of stress.

The Australian study I mentioned earlier also reported that people who indulge in bdsm are actually happier than those who do not. Perhaps this is being true to yourself and not just being a sheep who follows the herd so they "fit in" as society says they should. 

Another study published in the journal of Sexual medicine found that people who practice  BDSM tend to be psychologically healthier and scored higher on certain important  indicators of mental health including:

- degree of neurosis
- security in relationships
- over all well being
- levels of extroversion
- openess to new experiences

The one thing they scored lower on is rejection sensitivity (which is a measure of how paranoid people are about others not liking them) 

We aren't sure exactly why BDSM practitioners seem to be psychologically healthier than the general public. Maybe because they are more in tune of their sexual needs which could translate to less sexual frustration. Another theory is that it takes a lot of psychological work to come to terms  with one's unusual sexual inclinations and this could translate to more positive mental health.

I was happy to find that nearly all the studies on the mental health of bdsm participants are positive or at the very least, are not negative.

It's good to know I'm not a total freak of nature :)

For once in my life, I am completely at peace with my sexuality. It is a integral part of who I am and I can't imagine ever living a satisfied life without it.