My submission is truly ingrained in me

I've been thinking about how my submission seems to always be lingering right under the surface, just waiting to be triggered by his command. 

Last night I  texted him that I was going to bed which is one of the rituals of my submission. 

A few minutes later he texted back. "Good night...Why don't you sleep naked...You may cum twice when you awake."

 

Being the horny little bitch I am, I was estatic to hear of this bout of pleasure coming my way! It was also great motivation to get to sleep. In fact, I fell asleep faster than I have in a long time.

When my alarm went off early next morning, my body immediately knew what to do and I of course I did it :)

It just amazes me how before I was even fully awake, I was right on his given task. It kind of reminds me of one of Pavlov's dogs. I heard the alarm bell and immediately began to pleasure myself. No thinking, just instinct. He commands me to do something and my body goes on auto pilot. On an unyielding mission to do whatever it is I am told. 

As a girl who historically has always been in control of myself, it's a pretty cool phenomenon actually....

Lesson learned

Last week I was in an unusually aggressive and horny mood and was feeling quite rebellious. I am not sure if it was due to the full moon or some other unknown reason but I started demanding and expecting multiple orgasms. I even lashed out at Sir when he did not respond to me right away. I was not being the best submissive bitch I could be. Not even close.

 

I did not break the rules but I thought about it. I was really fucking horny! The irritable throbbing sensation in my pussy was relentless and I used it as an excuse to be demanding with Sir. That did not make me feel good at all. I was immediately remorseful and apologized but the damage had been done. I was so disappointed in myself and knew that I needed to be punished as well as reminded of my place.

 

Sir gave me the honor of serving him dinner on Sunday and trust me, I paid the price for my willful behavior! He reminded me that he is in control of me. I am not in control of him. At no time am I ever to demand things from him. I am also not in control of my orgasms nor am I entitled to them. Ever. I told him that I understood that this pussy is his, not mine. I may respectfully ask questions but must always wait patiently for his response then accept and obey all decisions. Sir used a kitchen implement that he had me choose as well as his paddle. I was one sore and sorry girl after he was done.

 

As usual, his punishment made me both sorry and horny and desperate to have him fuck me. It also made me wish to atone for my bad behavior. Despite my insubordination, Sir was quite generous with me, giving me so many orgasms that I lost count.

 

Even though I had thoroughly learned my lesson, I was still bothered by my actions. I wanted to do more to show him that I had learned my lesson. Sir had said I had too many orgasms last week, especially in light of my bad behavior and that I shouldn't expect that many this week. I agreed. To honor this, I refrained from asking him for permission to have an orgasm for 87 whole hours! I have never waited that long to ask before but I wanted to suffer for him and prove that I had learned my lesson. As the hours ticked by this week I became increasingly uncomfortable. I really wanted to cum but at the same time, felt oddly calm and at peace with my decision to deny myself.

 

To my surprise and delight, he texted me this morning telling me I was to cum at 10am. I was absolutely beside myself with excitement! I did my best to work on the many things I needed to do but could not stop watching the clock. Finally, at about 10 minutes to ten, I jumped in my car and rushed the 4 blocks home. I took off my panties and lifted my skirt as I lied on the bed. I didn't touch his pussy since it was not yet 10am but I lightly touched the area around it as well as my tits. I watched one of my favorite porn clips about a very dominant man roughly fucking a submissive woman. I was just about to lose it when my alarm beeped telling me that it was 10am.

 

Finally, the time had come! I let me fingers explore my very wet and throbbing pussy. Within seconds, I felt the urge to cum so I jumped out of bed and paced back and forth until I felt back under control.

 

I started watching the video again and playing with my pussy when I felt the orgasm rising once more. I dropped the phone and once again stood up and paced until I calmed down.

 

I did this one more time then I knew I was at the point that couldn't stand it even one more second. I needed to set my orgasm free.

 

I began playing with myself once again and this time as I felt the orgasm rising, I surrendered myself to it. It felt absolutely amazing and it lasted much longer than the orgasms I had alone. I knew this was because I waited and proved to Sir that I was still 100% committed to my submission.

 

I will not soon forget that my place is to serve his needs and that I am his possession to use when and how he chooses.

 

Lesson Learned.

 

 

Surviving Orgasm Control

I have been so curious lately to talk with other submissives whose orgasms are under the strict control. I am always looking for creative ways to distract myself when I am so freaking aroused that I can't see straight but Ido not have explicit  permission to have an orgasm?

I especially have a hard time with this once my body and mind have been worked up into a sexual frenzy.  For example, many times when I am lying in my bed naked, something I also need permission for, he will text me that I am to touch myself.  Now,I don't ever do that unless given permission and it damn it feels so good!!!!  So, of course, I soon needed to ask if I could cum and he said not until I wake up in the morning. Needless to say, I did not fall asleep for awhile.  I got up and cleaned for about a half an hour, watched some boring tv and was finally able to drift off to sleep.  When my alarm went off this morning, my body and mind immediately remembered they were in a state of arousal and I was able to go on and have a very lovely orgasm. 

 

Here are a few things I use to distract myself while waiting for permission to cum:

 

- Physical exercise. Walking, running, lifting weights, or anything that gets me moving and my mind off my throbbing pussy. This has the added benefit of getting in shape!

 

- Cleaning

 

 Growing up as a decent looking girl, I never really needed to discourage or manage my horniness. I could either find a willing partner or take care of it myself.  So, this is a totally new phenomenon for me and let me tell you, I have a new respect for what teen aged boys go through!  My urges back then weren't one tenth of what they are now.  The lure of the forbidden, I suppose.

So, I am curious about what tips and techniques others might have used to squelch that overpowering urge to orgasm. Lately, my horniness seems out of control so I'll try anything for some relief! Please share :)

Thoughts on polyamory

I was reading another submissive woman's  blog, 

A reluctant bitch, where she was writing about her struggle accepting a third in her bed and it got me thinking about my own struggles. 

My journey with open sex, threesomes and compersion has been a profound one. I have come a long way from that vanilla, monogamous girl that I have been for most my life. Although I would not change a thing in the story of my journey, I still struggle with understanding that sex isn't a competition. 

It's hard to wrap my head around that just because he wants to be with others it's not because I am just not good enough. Logically, I know that isn't true but it still creeps up on me at times. That ugly feeling that if I was smarter, prettier, thinner, worked harder than the next person that I would somehow win the prize.

In my mind, part of me still believes that if I am not better at all those things, than I should get nothing until I figure out it out. Not a super fun way to live but I'm working on it. Even as I write it down, I see how silly it is but despite having changed dramatically over the last few years, I have yet to reach a point of comfort. Maybe I never will. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe it's part of what makes the pain/pleasure combination so addictive.

 

I have always searched tirelessly for answers when I need a resolution. In my travels I ran across  The Ethical Slut by Dossie Eastman. It has helped me see polyamory in a whole new light. I feel more confident that I am following the right path for me and I have come to understand how wonderful and fulfilling it can be. It also helped me break through years of thinking there is only one way to something and you know what? I have tried the long term monogamous route and could never get it to work. I just don't think it's the answer anymore. For me at least.

So for now, I will keep exploring and experimenting. Brain wiring is hard to change and that prince charming crap we are fed as little girls does a lot more harm than good. Now, here I am years later still trying to get over a lifetime of brainwashing.

 

So as far as wanting to be the best. I think I will always be that way.That is just how I'm built. I mean who doesn't want to be the winner but this situation is not a competion. It is about using each and everyway I know to ensure his his pleasure. Whether that comes from me or someone else is irrelevant as long as it he gets what he needs. So, I will continue to work on figuring out how to get over this last hurdle.
 

Something that has helped me is thinking about the joy of multiple partners the same way I would think about  varieties of exotic food, friends, or even your children. For example, say you have two friends, Both of them are awesome, fun and a trusted confidant. Why should you have to give one up and just have one friend? Seems silly, doesn't it? Isn't your life enriched by the journey you take with both? Same with children. Does it seem logical to only love one and turn away the other because it is not ok to love two at once. Why shouldn't this apply to sexual partners or even others with whom you form strong romantic bonds with as well? I personally prefer to have sex with someone I like as a person, am physically attracted to and that I have an interest in seeing again. It doesn't always have to be that way and casual is not completely out of the question, but it’s always more fulfilling to me if I have a strong interpersonal bond. Maybe that is just the old fashioned girl coming out in me :)

In my opinion, living this lifestyle has made the bond with T even stronger because of the level of trust involved. Of course you are going to feel closer to someone when you feel free to say "Hey, he/she is hot and I would love to fuck her or go out and get to know them better." 

I should quite qualify that being open sexually doesn't have to mean fucking anything that will move. That holds zero appeal for me but instead knowing that I am free to explore whoever and whatever I would like. At the moment, my focus is on T and enjoying other women together and I am doing exactly that. Months or years may go by when you are just with one person and other times you may be dating 5 people at once and that is ok! Well, I should qualify that it is ok as long as you are not promising anyone that you are monogamous with them. I have been down that road and I don't want to go down it ever again. Its sneaky, dishonest and is probably going to end badly. If someone says you have to be with just me and no one else and I will leave you if you don't do the same, then it may not be the right person for you. It's better if you find this out sooner rather than later.

This story is far from over and I'm not sure what is going to happen but does anyone, kinky or monogamous, really know how it will all turn out?